My Son's Birth

Let's forget about how sick I was and my diagnosis for this post and concentrate on the very happy arrival of my son.

In one of my last posts before I went in the hospital, I told you I had professional maternity photo's done. I really loved being pregnant and wanted to capture how I felt in case I was never able to do it again. I loved the results and I think you can see in the two I am about to post, how very happy we were.

Just looking at these pictures makes me long for the days before I got the bad news. I want to enjoy my son's first year first, but then I want so badly to get pregnant again. I don't want my little boy to be an only child. Who knows if we can do it again.

Anyway....

Because of the brain tumour, the c-section (with spinal) was scheduled for Thursday morning. I was very ill and could not get out of bed. Therefore I was wheeled down to the delivery room in my hospital bed. The worse part of the whole delivery was getting the freezing for the spinal. Once the spinal was in I felt nothing. Well... that's not true, once they cut me open and were ready to take him out, I was told I would feel pressure in my diaphragm. It felt like I couldn't breathe but it only lasted a minute and then he was out. My perfect little prince. He was gorgeous (of course he was cleaned before I saw him). He weighed 5 lbs 12 oz and measured only 18 inches long. Here is a picture of Rick and I and our son, under the c-section tent while I am being stitched up.

Miraculously, the minute my little man was born I felt a tonne better. In fact after his birth, both my headache and my vomiting disappeared. I still couldn't write and I had bad balance but I was not physically ill anymore. Apparently this was due to the immediate drop in progesterone.

A little later in the recovery room, Rick was holding him when all of a sudden he asked the nurse if babies are born with the instinct to suck (he was sucking on Rick's neck). The nurse asked if I wanted to breast feed and of course I said yes. He was very good at it. He had a great latch and a strong suck. He was born at 8:30 am and 3:00 am that following night my milk came in. There was so much I had to pump a little before he could latch again. From then on our breast feeding was so easy. I had plenty of milk (in fact I pumped enough in those 10 days, while I was feeding him too, that he had breast milk the week I was in the hospital). Here is a picture of us in the hospital nursing.

I have no idea if it would have continued to be this easy. For 10 days I had total bliss. Well.. one night I had spaghetti sauce and the poor little dude screamed his head off for about 2 hours.. but I vowed never to eat spaghetti sauce again. But we had no latch problems, and I didn't get sore nipples. In fact he left the hospital 5 lbs 7 ozs and 2 days later was already 5 lbs 9 oz. And a week later 6.5.

Here is a picture of the little guy the day we got home from the hospital, you can really see how tiny he was.

Sadly however while I was in the hospital for my neurosurgery my milk dried up. I had rented an electric pump and had grand ideas about pumping and dumping during my hospital stay. My surgery was scheduled for 12:30 pm but I had to arrive and have a cat scan (with contrast dye) at 8:30. The surgery itself was 5 hours and then I spent 3 hours in the recovery room. My first opportunity to pump since I left home that day was 8:30 that night ( a full 12 hours). However, I was not capable of pumping by myself and I was in a step down ward (one step lower than ICU, where there are 4 patients and 1 nurse). Not only did I keep drifting in and out of sleep, but the other 3 patients were in much worse shape than me and the poor nurse had no chance to help me until 2:30 am. I did pump at that point and it completely and utterly drained me. I went to sleep and slept until 10:00 the next morning. Then I had to go for another MRI and then got moved to a private room. At this point pumping became much harder. I was on the neurosurgery floor and the nurses were run ragged (and not used to dealing with pregnancy or maternal issues). It was almost impossible to get their help with pumping. Besides that, I had decided not to bring my little man to the hospital for a visit because I was worried about germs, so I didn't want to wear myself out and prolong my hospital stay. Besides I really found pumping very draining at that point. After a 15 minute pump I would sleep for 3-4 hours. I generally only pumped about 2-3 times a day. By Friday when I could use the milk again, there was none left. I was disappointed at the time but rationalized saying that with all the medication I had been on and the 2 contrast dyes, the formula was probably better for him anyway. Of course I had been assured by the doctors that it would all be out of my system by now.

Now however, the loss of breastfeeding is my biggest regret and I can't help wondering if I could have done more to ensure I didn't lose it. If I knew then how I would feel now, could I have made myself pump more. I guess I will never know.

So.... My last post was Wednesday, May 23. At that time my headaches had gotten worse and I had gone to a walk in clinic and been diagnosed with an ear infection. I was surprised, I wasn't prone to ear infections, in fact, I hadn't had one since I was 9 years old.

On Friday, May 25th the headaches had gotten even worse. My head hurt so much when I tried to get up from laying down that I would moan in agony. I figured the medication for the ear infection should have worked by now so I went to my pre-natal clinic to make sure everything was ok with the baby. My OB actually came to the clinic himself. He did blood work and monitored the baby's heartrate and my contractions. He was positive the baby was fine. He was worried enough about my condition however, the he insisted I go to the ER about the headaches.

I went to the ER where I was taken in right away (something about a 36 week pregnant lady with severe headaches that makes people take you seriously). I was first seen by an ENT who declared that if I ever had an ear infection it was long gone and certainly not the cause of my headaches. Then I was seen by a neurologist. She was very concerned by the fact that the headaches had lasted so long and got so much worse when I tried to get up. She said the symptoms were indicative of a spinal fluid leak but was confused because I wouldn't have a spinal fluid leak without a spinal puncture (usually after a spinal tap or epidural). She wanted me to do a MRI but since she couldn't guarantee me it was safe for the baby, I refused. I told her that at this point I was so close to delivery I would rather wait and do the MRI after. Since my blood work showed I was a little dehydrated she gave me a litre of IV fluids and a migraine medication (intravenously). She consulted with my OB frequently. Since I was feeling better by the end of the day (I was there for 8 hours) they let me go. This neurologist was so nice however, and so concerned that she gave me her cell and pager number with strict instructions that if the headache got worse over the weekend I was to call her immediately and then proceed directly back to the ER. She also told me to come back Monday morning if the headache had not gotten better.

On Saturday I was scheduled to have what was supposed to be my last pre-natal class, however the week before had been cancelled due to instructor illness, so it was only my second class. I felt somewhat better on Saturday morning so I went to the class. The nurse/instructor gave me a nursing pillow and a yoga mat and made me lay down for the class. By the end of the day I felt a lot better.

Sunday, Rick and I were scheduled to do an infant first aid and CPR course. On Sunday morning I made Rick go to the clase and explain that we couldn't make it and why. I just wasn't feeling up to it. I did run out to the store and pick up a nursing pillow (figuring that since I felt better by the end of the day Saturday after lying on it all day, that maybe I was just not getting enough neck support and my headahces were kinked and tense muscles). I also bought the rocking chair for the babies room. I spent way more than I should (that's what happens when you shop with a severe headache, you tend to impulse buy what is really comfortable). I rationalized that I could sleep in the chair for the rest of my pregnancy since I was then convinced the problem was my sleeping position.

Sunday night I awoke in the middle of the night with a headache so bad I could not stop vomiting. When Rick woke to go to work, I asked him to take me back to the hospital. He was really angry that I had not woke him in the night as soon as I started getting sick. The same neurologist was there, and she admitted me immediately. They started the IV with fluid and the same migraine drug but it had no effect. She was insisting on the MRI and I was still refusing. I told her I would rather deliver the baby three weeks early then expose him to the MRI. I was then seen by the OB who convinced me to have the MRI, without the contrast dye. He explained that without the contrast dye the MRI was safe because unlike a cat scan, there is no radiation, MRI's are magnetic. He felt strongly it was safer to have the MRI and confirm a problem than deliver the baby 3 weeks early and then find out there was no need. The MRI was scheduled for the next morning. In the meantime, they gave me a steriod injection (through IV, I could keep nothing down). The same steriod they give to mature premature babies lungs in utero. The steriod injection made me feel much better and by the end of the day I was able to eat. I ordered Rick to go home, get a good night's sleep and go to work the next day (I wanted him to save his vacation time for when the baby came).

That night I started vomiting uncontrollably. Getting up to go to the bathroom was agony. The nurses insisted that in the morning I get a catheder. When Rick called at 7:00 before he left for work, I wouldn't tell him how sick I was, I told him I had not slept well and I would call him later.

My MRI was at 10:00. I managed to get through it without having to get up to vomit. Several of my family members called but I kept putting them off. I just wanted to sleep. At this point, I couldn't roll over in bed without vomitting. The catheder went in and I was able to sleep.

At 4:00 I decided I was lonely and called Rick. He told me he was already on his way (what he didn't tell me was that the nurese from my floor had called and asked him to come immediately). He was angry that I was alone all day (my Aunt was there and was supposed to be with me but I had asked her not to come in).

When he got there the lovely neurologist came in with some very sombre news. My MRI had come back and I had a large tumour on the lining of my brain. She stayed for almost an hour and I saw the OB (who scheduled the C section for Thursday morning at 8:00) and the neurosurgeon who would remove this tumour. There was a lot of information (most of it positive. how this was the best kind of brain tumour, almost always benign and usually easy to remove when found in the back of the head where mine was). Frankly it was just too much for me. I was in too much pain and was too angry that this was happening as I finally brought my son into the world, that night seems like such a blur. I can hardly remember it and have had to talk to my family in order to reconstruct many of the details. Anyway the long and short of it was that I was to have a section to deliver my little boy on Thursday and then go for neurosurgery to have the tumour removed the following Monday, 10 days later.

Just so you know what kind of family I have. Rick called my parents at approximately 6:00pm on Tuesday evening with the news (that would be 7:30 their time). The live a 4-5 hour plane ride away. They arrived 10:00 am on Wednesday. My brother and sister also were at my house in no time. Rick's family were already schedule to arrive that week. I can honestly say that although it was overwhelming to have so many people in my house, this whole experience has made me realize how very lucky I am to have my family. I love them so very much and I owe a lot of my recovery to the people who love me so much.

I am going to stop here for now. Partly because I am crying too hard to continue, and partly because I don't want to describe my son's birth on this very sad post.

More to come.

Harder than you think

As you know already (if anyone is still reading this blog), I am recovering from brain surgery. I should have used the word recovered, because although the doctor says 3-4 months, I am actually feeling like myself again. So much like myself that I have sent all of my company and help home (2 weeks ago) and am finally alone with my boy.

So why... if I have been alone for 2 weeks have I not posted? My sister was the last to leave and while she was here I had a legitimate excuse, she is very computer savy and I did not want her to find this site. But now... well now I have not posted because... well because frankly putting in writing what has happened in the last 2 months is harder than you think.

I want to document it, to journal it, to have it for myself. But every time I think about starting it, I procrastinate (which isn't hard to do these days). So... I have decided to do it one step at a time. A series of post that will take me from diagnosis to delivery, to neurosurgery, to awful paranoid recovery to today. I will include pictures of the baby at appropriate places so be forewarned.

Those 6 weeks were the hardest weeks of my life so far and although the birth of my son was the most joyous event of my life, there are so many regrets about his first few weeks... I think that is why I haven't posted. And why it will be so therapeutic to write it down and move on. So... that's enough for now. The first post will be coming soon.