Well it is day 6pd5t and this morning I gave in to the stick. Nothing... it was as white as a wedding dress, as the pure driven snow, as.... well you all know how very fucking white it was.
Now I know that it could be too early. Although in reality it is 11 days post ovulation and my luteal phase is usually only 12 days. But I know that I could have late implanters. And I am grateful to Serenity for telling me that frozen embryo's sometimes implant later - I had not been told that before. But. BUT... In my gut I feel that they are already gone. That there is nothing in there except a bloated stomach thanks to the PIO. And I have learned that when it comes to my reproductivity my gut is cynical and usually right.
I am glad that I am going on vacation in three days. It will be easier to deal with another negative when I am in a place surrounded by fun and positive things.
Usually I don't find negatives that hard to deal with. Miscarriage was hell but BFN's I have gotten used to. I don't think I was overly upset the last BFN from a FET but I have to tell you, today I am really really sad. Sad that it's negative. Sad that 2 "perfect" embryo's are gone. And sad because there is no explanation.
And when we got the result this morning, Rick actually said, "perhaps it's time to start the adoption process". So I know he feels the same way!
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
It's only been 4 days
I forgot how anxiety ridden and completely distracting this 2 WW was. I mean I remembered it was bad, just not this bad.
It's only been 4 days and it feels like it has been 4 weeks. What do you mean 4 days is too early to POAS. No... I haven't....not yet.
But I am aware that Beth did on day 6 post day 5 transfer and got a positive. And the one time I got pregnant I got a positive on the first try (first try at the stick not the pregnancy) at day 8 post transfer.
So as you can tell, things are not so cool and collected over here as I had hoped they would be, despite the fact that I am completely swamped by work that is not getting done.
It's only been 4 days and it feels like it has been 4 weeks. What do you mean 4 days is too early to POAS. No... I haven't....not yet.
But I am aware that Beth did on day 6 post day 5 transfer and got a positive. And the one time I got pregnant I got a positive on the first try (first try at the stick not the pregnancy) at day 8 post transfer.
So as you can tell, things are not so cool and collected over here as I had hoped they would be, despite the fact that I am completely swamped by work that is not getting done.
Monday, June 19, 2006
So... Spanglish asked for all the details, including how many we transferred back. Let me first give you some background.
We have been trying to conceive since 2003. During the first one and a half years we had LOTS of unprotected sex. Once we met with our RE, and after the standard testing, we started clomid. Consistently I developed two eggs. We did six rounds of clomid, three with IUI.This fall we did IVF and we transferred two, day 5 blasts. In March we did a FET and we transferred 2 day 5 blasts. We are comfortable with the idea of having twins. If I were being true to my heart of hearts I would like a singleton (I am afraid to even write that and can't do it without a tremendous amount of guilt). Not just because I am a small person (5'0 and125 lbs, or at least 125 lbs before fertility treatment) and I am aware of the complications of multiple births but also because I have nannied twins and I know what a different experience twins are as infants. Don't get me wrong there are lots of benefits to twins too, and my twins (the one's I nannied when they were 4 months old and are now shockingly 9) are amazing children that I would be very proud to call my own. For these reasons, until now I have been refusing to even contemplate the idea of transferring more than 2.
At first my RE was on board. After all we are relatively young, we have no explanation for our infertility, and she was convinced we would get pregnant. But just before the first FET she started discussing 3. I shut her down, I am not ok with 3. I do not want to fact the moral issues, the physical complications, and the emotional heartbreak of a selective reduction. And she made it very clear that I could not safely carry more than two "I just don't have room". This time however, I felt less cautious. After all, after at least 30 cycles of unprotected sex, 3 cycles of IUI, 1 IVF and 1 FET, I was almost certain that there was little to no chance that all three would stick around.But more than that, I was ready for the possibility that they would. I was prepared to tell myself that if three increased our odds I would do it. If selective reduction would increase the odds of a successful pregnancy then I would do that too. I am not sure how I would have gotten through that because emotionally it would have been hell for me and I don't think I could have posted about it because of the hate mail that I am sure I would receive, but I was ready to deal with it anyway.
So... I told the embryologist to thaw three of my five remaining blasts. We went in for the transfer this morning and I am full of more optimism than I have had in a very long time. Not full out hope exactly but cautious optimism. Life has been comfortable for the last couple of weeks. Working at home will definitely not make me rich but it is making me significantly less harried. The embryologist came to do our consult and he seemed concerned. He told us with a very somber look that he thawed 3 blasts but one of them didn't survive the thaw. He told us that the other two not only survived but had already fully expanded and looked "perfect". He said he had toyed with the idea of thawing another because we had authorized three but he didn't because that would have left only one blast.
People, I took this as a very positive sign. Even more than that, my feeling of cautious optimism grew stronger. I'm glad we are transferring two "perfect" looking blasts I said. I would be uncomfortable with transferring three perfect looking blasts. Much relieved, he left to get ready for the transfer. While we were waiting, Rick and I discussed the fact that during the last FET neither of our transferred blasts had expanded before we transferred. Now, the embryologist was quick to point out then and now that just because they haven't expanded by transfer does not mean it will not be successful. They have gone on to have successful pregnancies with thawed, unexpanded blasts. Fine, I understand, but I choose to look at it as a very good sign that they have expanded. That they looked "perfect". That they are going into a very cushy lining already in the state they need to be in, in order to implant.
Those of you who have been following my blog know that transfers, and anything involving getting into my uterus have not been fun. Today though I was fairly relaxed going in. My doctor was doing the transfer and she has gotten into my uterus enough to know what she is doing. Having said that, she did have some trouble. She had to start and stop three times before she got through what she today called the "second corkscrew". BUT.... and this is a big BUT. It did not hurt. Not even a little bit. As always I had a very full bladder, a very full bladder means first that my uterus and cervix are forced to be a little straighter because of the weight on top of them. Second it means that I can focus most of my attention on keeping control of my bladder which is, in fact, a very good distraction. So I watched in awe on the monitor as the bubbles showed the fluid carrying my embryo's floating from the catheter to the top right hand side of my uterus. And as soon as the embryologist cleared the catheter and cover tube clean of our embryo's..... Dude I could have ran to the bathroom. But I of course did not. I carefully and with help slowly got myself up and slowly walked the 10 feet to the washroom.
And all day I have laid around. On the swing outside, on the couch inside, and in bed. To answer your other question Spanglish, I don't have specific plans to keep myself occupied for the first week of the dreaded 2 WW, although I will be quite busy for the next couple of days drafting court documents (nothing stressful, just quiet typing - with files - not clients). But then next Wednesday, day 9 of the 2 WW I am going on vacation. I am going to Newfoundland where I am from, where my family still lives, and to what I still consider home. I am going home to be with my mom & dad, my sister, my mother and father in law, whom I love, and my brother and sister in law and our nephew who I have not seen since he was 3 weeks old and who will turn 1 while I am there. So for the last part of my 2ww I will have all kinds of distractions. But I promise you, it is not likely I will forget to go for my Beta !!!!
On the way home, Rick and I discussed our two little embryo's and how we hope they become long term squatters. We stroked the belly, sang silly songs and talked to them. We were not able to come up with names. But as we settle down to watch the last game of the NHL season. As I contemplate the two goalies, Jussi Markkanen and Cam Ward, and just what a good job they have done, playing the game of their lives, making save after save, absolutely determined to stick around, I decided that my little embryo's needed the same fighting spirit. They need to be determined to stick around. They need to find the right spot and not let anyone convince them to come out of the net. And I have decided that this time, I have Jussi and Cam, and boys/girls I hope that you live up to your names sakes and play the game of your lives right to the end.
GOD..... how I wish that.
We have been trying to conceive since 2003. During the first one and a half years we had LOTS of unprotected sex. Once we met with our RE, and after the standard testing, we started clomid. Consistently I developed two eggs. We did six rounds of clomid, three with IUI.This fall we did IVF and we transferred two, day 5 blasts. In March we did a FET and we transferred 2 day 5 blasts. We are comfortable with the idea of having twins. If I were being true to my heart of hearts I would like a singleton (I am afraid to even write that and can't do it without a tremendous amount of guilt). Not just because I am a small person (5'0 and125 lbs, or at least 125 lbs before fertility treatment) and I am aware of the complications of multiple births but also because I have nannied twins and I know what a different experience twins are as infants. Don't get me wrong there are lots of benefits to twins too, and my twins (the one's I nannied when they were 4 months old and are now shockingly 9) are amazing children that I would be very proud to call my own. For these reasons, until now I have been refusing to even contemplate the idea of transferring more than 2.
At first my RE was on board. After all we are relatively young, we have no explanation for our infertility, and she was convinced we would get pregnant. But just before the first FET she started discussing 3. I shut her down, I am not ok with 3. I do not want to fact the moral issues, the physical complications, and the emotional heartbreak of a selective reduction. And she made it very clear that I could not safely carry more than two "I just don't have room". This time however, I felt less cautious. After all, after at least 30 cycles of unprotected sex, 3 cycles of IUI, 1 IVF and 1 FET, I was almost certain that there was little to no chance that all three would stick around.But more than that, I was ready for the possibility that they would. I was prepared to tell myself that if three increased our odds I would do it. If selective reduction would increase the odds of a successful pregnancy then I would do that too. I am not sure how I would have gotten through that because emotionally it would have been hell for me and I don't think I could have posted about it because of the hate mail that I am sure I would receive, but I was ready to deal with it anyway.
So... I told the embryologist to thaw three of my five remaining blasts. We went in for the transfer this morning and I am full of more optimism than I have had in a very long time. Not full out hope exactly but cautious optimism. Life has been comfortable for the last couple of weeks. Working at home will definitely not make me rich but it is making me significantly less harried. The embryologist came to do our consult and he seemed concerned. He told us with a very somber look that he thawed 3 blasts but one of them didn't survive the thaw. He told us that the other two not only survived but had already fully expanded and looked "perfect". He said he had toyed with the idea of thawing another because we had authorized three but he didn't because that would have left only one blast.
People, I took this as a very positive sign. Even more than that, my feeling of cautious optimism grew stronger. I'm glad we are transferring two "perfect" looking blasts I said. I would be uncomfortable with transferring three perfect looking blasts. Much relieved, he left to get ready for the transfer. While we were waiting, Rick and I discussed the fact that during the last FET neither of our transferred blasts had expanded before we transferred. Now, the embryologist was quick to point out then and now that just because they haven't expanded by transfer does not mean it will not be successful. They have gone on to have successful pregnancies with thawed, unexpanded blasts. Fine, I understand, but I choose to look at it as a very good sign that they have expanded. That they looked "perfect". That they are going into a very cushy lining already in the state they need to be in, in order to implant.
Those of you who have been following my blog know that transfers, and anything involving getting into my uterus have not been fun. Today though I was fairly relaxed going in. My doctor was doing the transfer and she has gotten into my uterus enough to know what she is doing. Having said that, she did have some trouble. She had to start and stop three times before she got through what she today called the "second corkscrew". BUT.... and this is a big BUT. It did not hurt. Not even a little bit. As always I had a very full bladder, a very full bladder means first that my uterus and cervix are forced to be a little straighter because of the weight on top of them. Second it means that I can focus most of my attention on keeping control of my bladder which is, in fact, a very good distraction. So I watched in awe on the monitor as the bubbles showed the fluid carrying my embryo's floating from the catheter to the top right hand side of my uterus. And as soon as the embryologist cleared the catheter and cover tube clean of our embryo's..... Dude I could have ran to the bathroom. But I of course did not. I carefully and with help slowly got myself up and slowly walked the 10 feet to the washroom.
And all day I have laid around. On the swing outside, on the couch inside, and in bed. To answer your other question Spanglish, I don't have specific plans to keep myself occupied for the first week of the dreaded 2 WW, although I will be quite busy for the next couple of days drafting court documents (nothing stressful, just quiet typing - with files - not clients). But then next Wednesday, day 9 of the 2 WW I am going on vacation. I am going to Newfoundland where I am from, where my family still lives, and to what I still consider home. I am going home to be with my mom & dad, my sister, my mother and father in law, whom I love, and my brother and sister in law and our nephew who I have not seen since he was 3 weeks old and who will turn 1 while I am there. So for the last part of my 2ww I will have all kinds of distractions. But I promise you, it is not likely I will forget to go for my Beta !!!!
On the way home, Rick and I discussed our two little embryo's and how we hope they become long term squatters. We stroked the belly, sang silly songs and talked to them. We were not able to come up with names. But as we settle down to watch the last game of the NHL season. As I contemplate the two goalies, Jussi Markkanen and Cam Ward, and just what a good job they have done, playing the game of their lives, making save after save, absolutely determined to stick around, I decided that my little embryo's needed the same fighting spirit. They need to be determined to stick around. They need to find the right spot and not let anyone convince them to come out of the net. And I have decided that this time, I have Jussi and Cam, and boys/girls I hope that you live up to your names sakes and play the game of your lives right to the end.
GOD..... how I wish that.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
What a wondeful, lazy day.
Today was a perfect relaxing start to our transfer tomorrow. It was 34 degrees celcius and humid. Rick and I went for breakfast, a drive and then set up our hammock in the shade of our two large maple trees and napped and chatted all afternoon. It was glorious and relaxing and just a perfect summer day.
Even the cat enjoyed the sunshine.
And the power cord - that is because it was an equally nice evening last night and I convinced my husband to watch the hockey game on our deck from the comfort of our swing.
Sigh.... what a heavenly weekend.
So here's hoping that all that relaxing does something beneficial to my reproductivity! Wish me luck tomorrow.
Even the cat enjoyed the sunshine.
And the power cord - that is because it was an equally nice evening last night and I convinced my husband to watch the hockey game on our deck from the comfort of our swing.
Sigh.... what a heavenly weekend.
So here's hoping that all that relaxing does something beneficial to my reproductivity! Wish me luck tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Wishing I was a little more anonymous (Edited)
Thank you for your tips on the PIO injections. Thankfully, today's needle was not so bad. I am sure it will get worse with time. I am also sure I can handle it. I thought it was the needle itself that hurt like a bitch, if the needle is ok and my butt gets really sore that will be a pain (hah! literally) but I will cope. The nurse (who is my favorite) told us not to ice the spot, although that sometimes makes the injection easier, it thickens the oil making it harder for the muscle to absorb and causing the lumps. She told us to fill the syringe in the morning, wrap the barrel with a hot wet face cloth while Rick showers and inject it when he gets out. That way the oil is warm and thins out and gets absorbed easier. Rick did it today under her supervision and I barely felt it go in. Then she showed Rick how to massage the injection site to ensure that all of the oil gets absorbed and none stays at the site to cause the lump (which she says is quite painful). She also gave us another tip. She said that if, after the injection, I walk for 20 minutes I will have less soreness and less site problems. Apparently if I exercise the muscle, it sucks the oil in quickly. I will let you all know if these tips make PIO more bearable over time.
So, this post ( http://compass.typepad.com/inspring/) has gotten me worried. I know that I am very uninformed about computer technology. Most of you know this too by the way I still have not gotten my links to work despite your very helpful advice. However, I really had no idea a blogger could get this kind of information. And it got me thinking.... my blog says the community I live in, I consistently use mine and my husband's real names and my email address has my full name in it. Wow, I am really out there. I started this blog because I loved the idea to have someone to talk to about infertility who didn't know me. Because I have been unable to tell my friends and family how very down and insecure I feel and how very obsessed I am about my infertility. I don't want them to know about all of my treatments, I don't want to tell them about each failure. I want them to see me as the same calm, composed person they have always known me to be and not the obsessed, hormonal, mood-swingy, depressed person I have become.
I want to believe that there is a possibility that if I get pregnant, life could go back to normal. That I might not be this person anymore. That I might again be a happy-go-lucky, carefree individual who is calm, confidant and composed. In short, I need to stay anonymous. I need to know that my friends and family don't read this blog. I need to know that they have only the information I am ready to give them. I need to know that I can say whatever I want her when I am frustrated. I need not to be censored. Because you know, this blog has been incredibly good for my sanity.
I love all my new blog friends. It is not that I don't. It's just that you get it already. I don't have to explain it to you and look at blank faces. I don't have to hear comments like "oh, please don't feel that way, it makes me so sad" from people who really care and have the best of intentions and don't realize that their comment just tore me apart and drove home the reality that I am alone.
I think I might make a few changes to my blog. I hope it is not too late.
Edited: Yea!!!! Thanks to Jenna and Lisa, I was finally able to figure out how to link my sites. They may not look pretty but they are mostly there. I hope the people I just put in the Mission Accomplished list aren't upset about that. Normally I wouldn't move people so soon but since I just figured out how to make it work, and since I was doing so many, I thought I would do all my updating at once. Yeash... that took a long time and I am exhausted.
So, this post ( http://compass.typepad.com/inspring/) has gotten me worried. I know that I am very uninformed about computer technology. Most of you know this too by the way I still have not gotten my links to work despite your very helpful advice. However, I really had no idea a blogger could get this kind of information. And it got me thinking.... my blog says the community I live in, I consistently use mine and my husband's real names and my email address has my full name in it. Wow, I am really out there. I started this blog because I loved the idea to have someone to talk to about infertility who didn't know me. Because I have been unable to tell my friends and family how very down and insecure I feel and how very obsessed I am about my infertility. I don't want them to know about all of my treatments, I don't want to tell them about each failure. I want them to see me as the same calm, composed person they have always known me to be and not the obsessed, hormonal, mood-swingy, depressed person I have become.
I want to believe that there is a possibility that if I get pregnant, life could go back to normal. That I might not be this person anymore. That I might again be a happy-go-lucky, carefree individual who is calm, confidant and composed. In short, I need to stay anonymous. I need to know that my friends and family don't read this blog. I need to know that they have only the information I am ready to give them. I need to know that I can say whatever I want her when I am frustrated. I need not to be censored. Because you know, this blog has been incredibly good for my sanity.
I love all my new blog friends. It is not that I don't. It's just that you get it already. I don't have to explain it to you and look at blank faces. I don't have to hear comments like "oh, please don't feel that way, it makes me so sad" from people who really care and have the best of intentions and don't realize that their comment just tore me apart and drove home the reality that I am alone.
I think I might make a few changes to my blog. I hope it is not too late.
Edited: Yea!!!! Thanks to Jenna and Lisa, I was finally able to figure out how to link my sites. They may not look pretty but they are mostly there. I hope the people I just put in the Mission Accomplished list aren't upset about that. Normally I wouldn't move people so soon but since I just figured out how to make it work, and since I was doing so many, I thought I would do all my updating at once. Yeash... that took a long time and I am exhausted.
Monday, June 12, 2006
A House Full of Peony's
I have two large Peony plants on my property. I did not plant them, nor would I have. I have never liked peony's. It is annoying how they all bloom at the same time, so heavy. Within hours of bloom there is bound to be enough wind or rain to cause the terribly top heavy blooms to slump to the ground. The flowers then lie there on the ground until they rot. I have tried supporting them, but nothing works without looking contrived. Two summers ago I decided to take both plants up and put something else in their place. Something better behaved. My neighbour (who likes to gather bouquet's of peony's from my plant) begged me not to take them up. She said, "just cut them as soon as they are about to open. Then they won't be so heavy and slump and you will have beautiful flowers in your home". I decided to give it one more summer.
I am very pleased with her idea. For the last two summers I have had a house full of peony's. And delightfully I have realized that there is nothing that says "summer" like relaxing and casually watching beautiful petals float to the floor.
And although my eyes and nose sometimes wish I wouldn't, I really enjoy filling the house with beautiful flowers. As a side benefit, I have learned that when you cut the very heavy flowers, the plant bounces back and a whole new crop of buds appear and open. So here is this year's second lot of cuttings, aren't they pretty?
On the fertility front, my cushy lining reached .85 on day 12! Last time it made it only to .79 on day 19. My transfer is scheduled for next Monday, June19th. Tomorrow I have to go into the clinic to learn how to do the PIO injections. I have never done the PIO before. Until now, I have always used the progesterone suppositories.
I am really nervous - those needles are freakin huge. Please, someone tell me the secret to them not hurting so much, please....
I am very pleased with her idea. For the last two summers I have had a house full of peony's. And delightfully I have realized that there is nothing that says "summer" like relaxing and casually watching beautiful petals float to the floor.
And although my eyes and nose sometimes wish I wouldn't, I really enjoy filling the house with beautiful flowers. As a side benefit, I have learned that when you cut the very heavy flowers, the plant bounces back and a whole new crop of buds appear and open. So here is this year's second lot of cuttings, aren't they pretty?
On the fertility front, my cushy lining reached .85 on day 12! Last time it made it only to .79 on day 19. My transfer is scheduled for next Monday, June19th. Tomorrow I have to go into the clinic to learn how to do the PIO injections. I have never done the PIO before. Until now, I have always used the progesterone suppositories.
I am really nervous - those needles are freakin huge. Please, someone tell me the secret to them not hurting so much, please....
Saturday, June 10, 2006
A little hormonal
These Estrace are kicking my hormonal ass. My ovaries are achy and I am very puffy (I actually feel like I did on the injectables). I didn't feel this way the last time I did a FET with Estrace. But last time we did a supression drug and this time we did not so maybe that is making a difference.
The other thing is I am very, very needy. I am bitchy, clingy, non-confrontational and mood swingy. Which is really not like me. I am generally even-keeled and don't mind being assertive.
I went to the clinic this morning for my lining check with every intention of asking for a copy of my sono pictures and my biopsy report (my clinic never gives copies of anything). The new doctor had asked us to get him a copy, plus a picture of the HSG from the hosital so he could rule out any problems in the uterus before the FET. But when I got there I was seen by Nurse Bitchy and I knew if I asked for a copy of anything in my file I would get major attitude and a gigantic run around. I just couldn't face it and I left without asking. And then I sat in my car and cried for 15 minutes.
I am frustrated. I am not sure why I am so worried about my doctor knowing I am getting a second opinion, but I really am. I think it is because I know I have to keep meeting these people and working with them on a very regular basis. Going through this process is hard enough without stressing about my appointments every day because they treat me differently.
On the other hand, I advocate for other people every day. I would never dream of backing down from their best interests because I might personally be a little uncomfortable. So why on earth would I let a little discomfort sway me from advocating on my own behalf. Really.... the goal, the number 1 priority here is to get pregnant. If I am more likely to do that by getting a second opinion (and providing that doctor with the relevant information) then I should suck it up and just do it.
My lining today already measured .72. It is only day 10. My clinic schedules a transfer day when you are at .8. Once you hit .8 you start the progesterone and the embryo's are transfered the appropriate number of days later (in our case 5 days later because we have day 5 blasts). For the last FET it took my lining until day 17 to get to .8, so it looks like the lack of supression has sped things up a lot. I go back on Sunday and if we are at .8 transfer would be on Friday the 16th.
The other thing is that my clinic has refused our request to thaw the blasts the day before transfer. They said they would do that with day 3 embies but not with blasts. I am feeling rather ambivalent about that surprisingly. I figure the benefit to thawing them the day before is that we will know before transfer whether they are growing and can not bother to transfer if they survive thaw but arrest. On the other hand, the end result is the same. They either arrest in the lab or in my uterus but they are either going to make it or not and there isn't a damn thing we can do to control the ultimate outcome. Might as well give them the best environment in which to grow. (See there goes that bitch hope. Thinking my uterus is better than a lab to grow embies)
Anyway, that is where I am at, hormonal, bitchy, unable to stick up for myself and quite surprised to find myself feeling this way.
The other thing is I am very, very needy. I am bitchy, clingy, non-confrontational and mood swingy. Which is really not like me. I am generally even-keeled and don't mind being assertive.
I went to the clinic this morning for my lining check with every intention of asking for a copy of my sono pictures and my biopsy report (my clinic never gives copies of anything). The new doctor had asked us to get him a copy, plus a picture of the HSG from the hosital so he could rule out any problems in the uterus before the FET. But when I got there I was seen by Nurse Bitchy and I knew if I asked for a copy of anything in my file I would get major attitude and a gigantic run around. I just couldn't face it and I left without asking. And then I sat in my car and cried for 15 minutes.
I am frustrated. I am not sure why I am so worried about my doctor knowing I am getting a second opinion, but I really am. I think it is because I know I have to keep meeting these people and working with them on a very regular basis. Going through this process is hard enough without stressing about my appointments every day because they treat me differently.
On the other hand, I advocate for other people every day. I would never dream of backing down from their best interests because I might personally be a little uncomfortable. So why on earth would I let a little discomfort sway me from advocating on my own behalf. Really.... the goal, the number 1 priority here is to get pregnant. If I am more likely to do that by getting a second opinion (and providing that doctor with the relevant information) then I should suck it up and just do it.
My lining today already measured .72. It is only day 10. My clinic schedules a transfer day when you are at .8. Once you hit .8 you start the progesterone and the embryo's are transfered the appropriate number of days later (in our case 5 days later because we have day 5 blasts). For the last FET it took my lining until day 17 to get to .8, so it looks like the lack of supression has sped things up a lot. I go back on Sunday and if we are at .8 transfer would be on Friday the 16th.
The other thing is that my clinic has refused our request to thaw the blasts the day before transfer. They said they would do that with day 3 embies but not with blasts. I am feeling rather ambivalent about that surprisingly. I figure the benefit to thawing them the day before is that we will know before transfer whether they are growing and can not bother to transfer if they survive thaw but arrest. On the other hand, the end result is the same. They either arrest in the lab or in my uterus but they are either going to make it or not and there isn't a damn thing we can do to control the ultimate outcome. Might as well give them the best environment in which to grow. (See there goes that bitch hope. Thinking my uterus is better than a lab to grow embies)
Anyway, that is where I am at, hormonal, bitchy, unable to stick up for myself and quite surprised to find myself feeling this way.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
I've Been Tagged
Maya, at Infertility Grace, tagged me. I don't mind, I am a new blogger and have never been tagged before. But.... now you all get to see how very uninteresting my life is.
5 things in my fridge
1. Couscous Salad (the perfect bbq companion)
2. lot's of berries
3. beer
4. wine
5. strawberry daquiry mix
* remember I did not do any treatment last month.
5 things in my closet
1. clothes
2. rarely used gym bag
3. crocheting pattern and all the wool for a baby outfit (was supposed to be for my cousin but I never started it and now she is over a year old)
4. crystal dishes (for my Mom for Christmas)
5. ummmm..... books and games that I don't want anyone else to see
5 things in my car
1. cell phone
2. transponder for the toll highway
3. loose change
4. lots of paper waste in the side pockets
5. envelopes adressed to previous owners marked "no longer at this adress" and sitting in my car for months and months
5 things in my purse
1. 10 different lipsticks
2. keys
3. sunglasses
4. Estrace
5. Metformin
So, with the exception of the books and games I keep hidden from the world, there is really nothing interesting about me.
Friday is my lining check and day 10 scan. I should be told a transfer date for the FE that day. I am not sure how I am feeling about it. At first I was excited and full of hope, compounded by the appointment with the new doctor. However, the awful news yesterday from Thalia and Pamplemousse just blew me away. And now I am feeling..... well I am felling.... nothing about this cycle. I am incredibly sad for them. I remember when I was told my pregnancy was not going to last. I remember the awful wait where you know it is doomed but it is not physically over. It is just so very, very awful.
And really, now I remember that I should not get my hopes up. That even if this works, there will be much to fret over. So there it is. Thalia, Pamplemousse, if you ever read this I am thinking of you and wishing I could help take the pain away.
5 things in my fridge
1. Couscous Salad (the perfect bbq companion)
2. lot's of berries
3. beer
4. wine
5. strawberry daquiry mix
* remember I did not do any treatment last month.
5 things in my closet
1. clothes
2. rarely used gym bag
3. crocheting pattern and all the wool for a baby outfit (was supposed to be for my cousin but I never started it and now she is over a year old)
4. crystal dishes (for my Mom for Christmas)
5. ummmm..... books and games that I don't want anyone else to see
5 things in my car
1. cell phone
2. transponder for the toll highway
3. loose change
4. lots of paper waste in the side pockets
5. envelopes adressed to previous owners marked "no longer at this adress" and sitting in my car for months and months
5 things in my purse
1. 10 different lipsticks
2. keys
3. sunglasses
4. Estrace
5. Metformin
So, with the exception of the books and games I keep hidden from the world, there is really nothing interesting about me.
Friday is my lining check and day 10 scan. I should be told a transfer date for the FE that day. I am not sure how I am feeling about it. At first I was excited and full of hope, compounded by the appointment with the new doctor. However, the awful news yesterday from Thalia and Pamplemousse just blew me away. And now I am feeling..... well I am felling.... nothing about this cycle. I am incredibly sad for them. I remember when I was told my pregnancy was not going to last. I remember the awful wait where you know it is doomed but it is not physically over. It is just so very, very awful.
And really, now I remember that I should not get my hopes up. That even if this works, there will be much to fret over. So there it is. Thalia, Pamplemousse, if you ever read this I am thinking of you and wishing I could help take the pain away.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Today is a Good Day
We met the new doctor this morning. We really, really liked him. He managed to explain things so clearly and ask all the right questions. And even better, he thought we should stay at our old clinic and do the FET's while we still had embryo's. He is even willing to provide us with second opinions on the FET protocols.
Biopsy results are back. The hormones in my lining are "out of phase" with ovulation. My biopsy report came back saying the lining was rated as 14 days post ovulation when it was actually 10 days post ovulation. That means it was already starting to break down by the time any potential embryo's made it to the uterus. As a result we are doing a medicated cycle with Estrogen supplement (Estrace) in order to synchranise ovulation and the lining build up.
For the first time in since my miscarriage, I actually have hope that this MIGHT work.
Also, today was my last day at the office. As of Monday I am working from home. This is the first step in me becoming self-employed. For the first couple of weeks I will be doing contract work for my old firm but I am hoping to build a few referral sources and gete a few of my own clients as well.
Happy Friday!
Biopsy results are back. The hormones in my lining are "out of phase" with ovulation. My biopsy report came back saying the lining was rated as 14 days post ovulation when it was actually 10 days post ovulation. That means it was already starting to break down by the time any potential embryo's made it to the uterus. As a result we are doing a medicated cycle with Estrogen supplement (Estrace) in order to synchranise ovulation and the lining build up.
For the first time in since my miscarriage, I actually have hope that this MIGHT work.
Also, today was my last day at the office. As of Monday I am working from home. This is the first step in me becoming self-employed. For the first couple of weeks I will be doing contract work for my old firm but I am hoping to build a few referral sources and gete a few of my own clients as well.
Happy Friday!
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