I have a job for inventors

How about designing some medical gyncological equipment that is made for people who DO NOT have a straight cervix.

So the biopsy is done. Did we have problems - of course. As my Doctor said at the end, the problem is that in the past we have been able to use cathedars which are flexible and can bend around the cervix (and remember in the past there has been lots of problems) but today we have to use straight tools. There was much trying and cursing and clamping down my cervix but eventually she was able to get a couple pieces of my lining.

She has put a rush on the results because I want to do the next FET next cycle but she now has concerns about whether we can do a natural cycle.

According to her my hormones are not playing together well. On day 18 my LH surged and told the brain to release the egg. However, at that point the egg was only 1.7, well short of maturity and too small to be fertilized. My estrogen level was just over 700 when she would like to see it at 1000 or more. My lining however, grew appropriately and was ready and waiting when LH surged. So today's biopsy should tell her if the hormones inside my uterus are ok or "out of phase" like the rest.

If the hormones from today's sample are ok, then we can proceed with a natural FET and pay more attention to when the lining is ready than the size of the egg.

However, if the hormones in the lining are in phase with the blood hormones, then we cannot do a natural FET becuase the conditions will never come together at the same time for implantation.

Plan B would be another medicated FET. During my last medicated FET, we used the long Ottawa protocal which involved a shot of provera on day 21 to bring on my period and shut down my hormones. Then I took increasing doses of Estrace throughout the month to mimic ovulation and build my lining. Only problem is that my body did not like the Provera. We had to hold off transfer for 5 days because my lining refused to get to .8. Then we had all kinds of problems with the progesterone level.

In a normal cycle, I have egg problems, but my lining and progesterone are fine. My doctor thinks that I am sensitive to the drugs. She blames my sensitivity for the 31 follicles that I developed and for the very high estrogen level (above 10,000) during IVF.

She thinks that the reason we had so much problem with the medicated FET was because I was so sensitive to the Provera that my body refused to allow the Estract to do it's job. It was over supressed. During the IVF we didn't use Provera for supression we used Suprefact.

If my biopsy comes back suggesting that the hormones are out of whack, she proposes we do a short medicated cycle. She would modify the protocal such that there would be no suppression. I would start very low dose estrace at the beginning of my cycle, hopefully enough to get the egg to healthy size and estrogen level up to 1000. Follow the cycle with dildo cam and wait for ovulation to happen naturally, then 5 days after ovulation, insert frosties.

This protocal appeals to my common sense. I have gained a tremendous amount of information from doing this "mock" cycle and wish that she had suggested it from the beginning. She told me today that because Rick and I have no medical issues, are relatively young and in relatively good shape, she assumed that low level treatment would work. I guess I understand that but perhaps she could have recomended the mock cycle before the IVF.

I am glad I insisted on the biopsy. My doctor said today that she is glad we did it too.

Only problem is, I am getting impatient. My doctor ordered the biopsy results stat, so she is hoping to get them by the end of the week. However, if I get my period before they get here, we may lose our chance to do the medicated protocol, as you have to start the estrace in the first couple cycle days.

I don't want to wait a whole month to start this treatment. I've been good - Let's get this show on the road!

FYI May is Magic Month

So, I wish someone had filled me in before that May is the "magic" month to do treatment. So far this month, we have 6 positive pregnancy tests that I know of. Not that I am bitching because I am not!

I am super, super excited for Thalia, Mellie, MoMo, Pamplemousse, Sube and Amy.

But couldn't you all have filled me in that this was the magic month. I totally would have skipped the biopsy this month and done the FET.

So congratulations girls. I really, truly, feverently hope that nothing goes wrong and in 9 months we have six beautiful healthy babies. After the very long and dull winter of bad news, it seems the blogosphere has taken an upswing and I am excited......and hoping that the trend continues next month!

Curiosity Didn't Kill The Cat But It Did Lead To A Kitty Bath

When we moved to Ontario we could not get over the ridiculous price of houses. Because we didn't want a postage stamp yard, and we couldn't afford a new home on a large piece of land (nor am I convinced such a thing exists here), we purchased a older home (built in the late 60's)

Structurally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the house. However, it had not been decorated since the 70's. It really looked like the set of The 70's Show. It had red shag carpet on the top floor and green carpet on the main floor, and linolium floor in the basement, kitchen and bathrooms. The walls had not been painted for a long time and both previous owners smoked in the home so all the walls were nicotine yellow.

We have been slowly renovating it room by room and I am pleased with the slow but sure progress. This weekend, we stripped the wallpaper in the kitchen, plastered and painted. I also purchased new light fixtures. Once we rip up the linolium floor in the kitchen and entrance way, the main floor will be finished.

Because the paint was dry, when Rick got home tonight I asked him to put up the new ceiling fan I bought for the kitchen. However the fan was really heavy and Rick wasn't sure the electrical box was attached to anything sturdy enough to hold it.

That meant going into the attic to see what it was attached to. I was going to go, got all ready, climed up the ladder and into the attic and stopped. Apparently they had sprayed in insulation sometime in the last 30 years. I couldn't see any beams and I would have had to dig through a foot of that shit just to see where to walk. I got down and asked Rick to do it. While he was putting on long pants and long sleves I heard the cat jump on the ladder.

Fuck! NO...... Get Down! And up he went just like that. When I got up he was walking along the insulation towards the back of the house. Shit I thought, I wonder if that stuff will cut his paws, I know it's not good for his lungs.

I called his name, I called the sound he always comes to, I brought out the treats but he just looked back at me and laughed.

I talked very sternly to him but he gave me that "bitch pulease" look and kept on exploring.

Rick checked the light box and yes, it was mounted to a beam which is good cause now we don't have to try to work up there, but still the friggin cat still wouldn't come near us.

About 30 minutes later and when I am getting really tired of this game, the cat decides the funs over. However, by this time he doesn't "like" the insulation anymore. He has taken to walking around the perimiter where there is no insulation (where the roof overhangs the walls) and meaowing.

Now I talk sternly again, I say "Listen mister, you got yourself in there, you are going to have to get yourself out. You may be able to walk on this but I can't. I am too heavy. Pick up your dainty little feet and walk right over here."

Of course, you all know that cats listen to no one. The crying gets louder, the perimeter walking gets more desparate. I start thinking about the sharp insulation in his little lungs.

Rick builds a walkway for him out of a couple sheets of plywood. He manages to get the cat in his arms, but every time he tries to lower the cat to me, the cat freaks, "cat in a tree syndrome" and suddenly is afraid of heights. Rick now has insulation all over him, the cat is scratching the hell out of him, and he's sweating buckets cause it's freakin hot in the attic.

We finally manage to get him down and I take him straight to the bath to get that shit off him. Surprisingly bathing him doesn't faze him at all and he sits still while I gently splash water on him til he's soaking and then "brush" his fur with my fingers.

I thought the bath might deter future adventures but this doesn't look like a cat that learned it's lesson to me - what do you think?

My Doctor Said Congratulations

Today is day 19 and my visit to the dr went something like this:

Dr: (in a very excited voice), Congratulations you did great!

What is all this excitement for, because I ovulated. Today my follicle which was an appropriate size, was gone. Apparently that is a wonderous thing.

Me: "hmphh" I didn't have a whole lot to do with it you know.

Dr: A lot of people in this clinic would love to ovulate on their own without any drugs at all.

Me: Well yes, I guess so, but some damn good it does me... I still don't know what's wrong

Dr: Well we know you are ovulating so we can rule that out.

Me: So far we know that there is nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with Rick but it's been four years, lots of sex, lots of clomid, several IUI's, 1 IVF and 1 FET and we are still not pregnant

Dr: ahhh......

Dr: so, you are booked for a biopsy for the 29th. Let's hope we find something wrong

Me: (giggling slightly) now you're talking

So... no more wand mokeys and blood work this month. On the 29th we do our biopsy (with my Dr).

Surprisingly I am feeling very positive. My doctor is doing the biopsy, I have scored good drugs for the biopsy and next month I am doing another FET (au naturel).

I settled two big cases today which means 1. I am not in court all next week 2. I do not have to work over the long weekend.

And, I am finished my job at the end of the month. Although, I have agreed to work part-time from home in June until the transition the new lawyer.

Think I will go crack open a nice bottle of white wine and decide what to do for the next three days.

We Have Babies In Our Yard

So, our anniversary was ordinary but lovely. Thank you all for the suggestions. We had been planning to have a picnic in a beautiful little lake very close to Niagara Falls. Perhaps we would have taken a wine tour (lots of vineyards there) and went out to dinner. However the forecast was for cool temperatures and rain. It is getting a little annoying that it is so beautiful and hot all week and then it cools off for the weekend. However...

When we woke up that morning it was not raining, it was sunny. It was not hot but it was not raining. Se we went for brunch (I love going out to brunch) and then we went for a walk around the waterfront. We contemplated going on down to Niagara for dinner but then it became very overcast. We decided to go home and do some much needed yardwork before the rain struck. We weeded (I am trying not to use pesticides this year - wish me luck) and mowed and I fertilized (an organic fertilizer made with seaweed). We have a fair sized corner lot so it takes a couple of hours to mow. I was weeding- Rick was mowing - all was good. All of a sudden the mower sends a big puff of fluff into the air.

You see - most of our neighbours have cut their grass several times already but we needed our lawnmower blade sharpened and had held off. Mommy had been smart enough to dig the babies a hole in the ground but since it was surrounded by very tall grass she had only dug down enough that the babies were just below ground level. The cover of the nest was above ground.

They were so small, and so tucked in, we didn't even know what kind of animal they were until we got them out and saw their ears. Yup -you guessed it - bunnies!














Now, you guys don't know me but I love gardening! I am passionate about it. I am not good at it - I do not come from a family of gardeners, but I am learning. And I am constantly chasing the damn rabbits out of my yards. So far they have completely destroyed my purple leaf sandcherry tree and have done damage to my magnolia tree.

So it should not have come as a shock that Rick's first suggestion was to somehow get rid of the bunnies. He wanted to take them to a field and let them go. Well... we all know that those babies are much to young to survive on their own so basically that meant they would either get eaten, or starve to death. The thought made me sick to my stomach. I told him that I could not afford to upset mother nature. That I needed good baby karma. And after this... well my heart just melted



If you didn't know, mommy bunnies actually pull hair out of their chest and abdomen to make their nests. So the fluff we had seen go through the air was her hair which had formed the cover of their nest.

I called animal control but they said the bunnies needed mommy's mild - they couldn't eat anything else. So you won't believe it but I went into my garden, the same garden I chase the damn rabbits out of every day and I dug a new nest. I gathered up as much of Mommy's hair as I could find and I made the little guys a really soft, comfortable nest. And then I covered it with long grass so the birds wouldn't notice it.



Aren't I a good mommy bunny.

I was afraid that some animal would still find them, or worse that mommy bunny wouldn't like the new nest or that she would smell me and abandon them. But today they are only 2 days older but look how much bigger!



So I guess I will get lots of exercise this summer because I certainly won't be able to convince Rick to help me chase the damn rabbits out of the yard!

We also went out to dinner that night but the highlight of my day was the baby bunnies - hey I have to nurture something!

Thank God That's Done

So I had the hysterosonogram and my uterus looks fine. It was just as "uncomfortable" as I expected and it took 3 attempts and then a "I'm going to have to put the balloon inside your uterus because it won't stay put in the cervix - this might hurt a little" When a doctor says it will be uncomfortable it hurts, when they say it will hurt a little it hurts like hell, the first time a doctor says to me this well hurt like hell they had better be talking about having a baby.

Anyway, all that matters is that it is over and everything looks ok. Oh... that and the fact that I scored some Ativan for the biopsy. Doctor today was a lovely indian man who I estimate was in his late 40's early 50's. He might well have been the nicest doctor I have seen at my clinic (despite the fact that he hurt me!). He took the time to introduce himself first, ask me where I was in my treatment, and ask what are future plans were. He explained what he was doing the whole way through. And when it was over he asked if I always had trouble with doctor's appointments. He laughed when I said only when they want to get into my uterus. He suggested that I get pain medication for the biopsy and when I said I would ask, offered to go get some for me.

Today was cd 9 and my follicle (I actually have one) was not even half way grown so I don't have to go back for a follicle check until Sunday.

All I have to think of now is what I would like to do for my anniversary on Saturday - any suggestions?

Here we Go Again

So tomorrow is my sonohysterogram...again. I've already had it but apparently they don't like to use results that are more than 6 months old. Since all of my testing was done in anticipation of the IVF, it is now outdated (most of it almost a year old).

For most gals, the sonohysterogram is probably not a big deal, one of the easier tests. But for those of us with cervix's that are spatially challenged (in my case a maze of angles and curves) the idea of a doctor trying to access our uterus when we do not have a full bladder can make our hair stand on end and send us the shivers.

And because this is one of the easier tests, they do not provide pain medication. "Just take two extra strength advil before you come" Well let me tell you that when you are talking about trying to insert a rather stiff cathedar into a very angled place, extra strength advil don't do jack shit.

So.. wish me luck as I attempt to remain polite to the doctor who will inevitably say "I'm sorry - I don't usually have so much problem with this. I should get it in a few minutes."

Ironically cd 1 this month was May 1st. Tomorrow will be cd 9 which means that starting on Wednesday I will be doing follicle checks and blood work each day until I ovulate (assuming I do indeed ovulate). It looks like the biopsy will be scheduled for sometime between the 26th and 30th.

Oh My God - Who Watches Lost

So - I admit it. I am a Lost aholic. I love that show. And there was a point in my life where I could say that I didn't watch a lot of tv. In fact, my first apartment didn't even have a tv. But now I watch at least one show a night.

So, if there are other Lost fans out there - please tell me that that ending was a dream. Some big Dallas recreation. It really can't be real.

As an update I am feeling a little better - no longer crying myself to sleep at night but still feeling pretty damn exhausted by life in general.

But in typical freakin fashion - life has dealt another another obstacle - my mother in law.

Generally you won't find me complaining about my mother in law. I love her and she loves me. We have a great relationship (and I believe it helps that she lives in Newfoundland and I live in Ontario). My infertility has challenged our relationship. She is a very well meaning person who wants to empathize with my pain. Unfortunately, she doesn't know what to say so she ends up saying shit like "You are just trying to hard", "If you relax it will happen" or "If you stop trying and adopt you will get pregnant".

I know she means well and just wants me to feel better but these comments make me feel like being infertile is my fault. That somehow if I laughed more and stressed less I would have a baby already. As a result, I sometimes avoid her phone calls. For the last two weeks I have avoided her phone calls because I have been feeling down. I have tried to explain to her subtly that these comments are misinformed and hurtful but she doesn't understand.

Last night she called to talk to Rick. Friends of ours from home have also struggled with infertility, did lots of treatments and are now adopting from China. I believe that talking to them has helped her understand what we are going through a lot better. We ask about them a lot because they have been waiting for their baby for over a year now (their date has been extended twice but they have finally been told they will get their daughter in December).

So you know where this is going. Last night she called Rick to say that our friends are pregnant. They just fell pregnant accidentally and acidentally are due in December. I am happy for them I really am. But I am not sure that I will ever be able to talk to my mother in law again because holy mother of god now I will never be able to convince her that for every couple that get pregnant when they "relax and forget about it" there are 20 more that don't - you just never hear their story.

Why are some days so hard?

Today just sucked. Nothing particularly bad happened, except I got my period. It's not like I expected we were going to get pregnant this month but somehow my period has sent me into a tailspin.

All day, all I could think of was how bad infertility sucks. How I should be six months pregnant this month. How I should be looking forward to a baby in August. How I don't know how I am going to make it through the summer without thinking about that every friggin day!

Generally I am a take charge kind of girl. Generally my motto is onwards and upwards. Generally I can look to the next step and forget what is behind us that we cannot change.

Today I haven't been able to do any of those things. Today I just want to cry because I am not six months pregnant, because there will be no baby in August or in 2006, but mostly because today I don't believe that there will be a baby at all. And it is unbelievable how much that hurts!

I want to kick and scream and cry. And then I read this post (* it won't let me link the post but its on my side bar - Her Very Own) and it spoke to me. It's exactly how I felt. And I wonder if this feeling ever really goes away or if it just goes into hiding for a while.

Guess I am having quite the pity party today.