Today just sucked. Nothing particularly bad happened, except I got my period. It's not like I expected we were going to get pregnant this month but somehow my period has sent me into a tailspin.
All day, all I could think of was how bad infertility sucks. How I should be six months pregnant this month. How I should be looking forward to a baby in August. How I don't know how I am going to make it through the summer without thinking about that every friggin day!
Generally I am a take charge kind of girl. Generally my motto is onwards and upwards. Generally I can look to the next step and forget what is behind us that we cannot change.
Today I haven't been able to do any of those things. Today I just want to cry because I am not six months pregnant, because there will be no baby in August or in 2006, but mostly because today I don't believe that there will be a baby at all. And it is unbelievable how much that hurts!
I want to kick and scream and cry. And then I read this post (* it won't let me link the post but its on my side bar - Her Very Own) and it spoke to me. It's exactly how I felt. And I wonder if this feeling ever really goes away or if it just goes into hiding for a while.
Guess I am having quite the pity party today.
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I hope they always stay this close!
5 comments:
Your post made me very sad. I have been thinking about that too.. I have been thinking about how much infertility sucks!!!! It is horrible and it robbs us of everything.
I hope that things start looking up soon.
I don't think you sound pitiful at all. You have suffered a great loss. You should feel sad and grieve all of it. You would not be normal if you didn't. I hope at some point things aren't so painful.
The feeling does go away... and then it comes back. I think it just becomes part of who we are.
I wish I didn't know how you're feeling, but I know those feelings too well. Give yourself permission to have a big giant tantrum if that's what you need. You've had a huge loss...I'm so sorry.
Pity Party well deserved Ma'am.
Seems you have a few guest to join you.
Sorry you feel down....and so sweet of you to think of others while you have your own sadness.
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