Survivor's Guilt

While I was pregnant I felt only a modicum of survivor's guilt. Yes, it is true that I was pregnant, but I was not convinced I would stay that way. I did stay that way however, and have a brilliant little boy to show for it. And have found it increasingly hard to post ever since.

In the two months since my last post I have given serious consideration to giving up blogging. I hate that I have thought that. Blogging was my solace and comfort while I was stuck in the trenches. It brought me a lot of joy and a feeling of belonging. I hated watching the people I came to care about finally get pregnant only to have them disappear from the face of the earth. But blogging no longer brings that joy. It doesn't because so many of the people I care about are still in the trenches. They are still struggling, holding on to or losing the hope that it will one day work for them. I hate that my happy Mommy posts hurts them. It has been a serious dilemma for me.

My good friend Reality and I were discussing it. I told her that it all comes down to why you Blog in the first place. I began blogging because I felt like I had found a community I belonged to, a community I could not find in my real life. I also told her that I still need that community. That although I love my son, and absolutely love being a Mommy, that we are different from the Mommy's and children in the groups we attend. Last week at swimming lessons, the big discussion was which month they should give up birth control to ensure the optimal arrival of baby number 2. I really wanted to scream!

So here you have it. I am no longer going to be blogging about trying to conceive, fertility treatments, or the depression of getting my periods. For now, those things are no longer part of my life. I hope they will be again some day (which is my twisted way of saying, I hope to be able to try for child number 2). I will be blogging about my son, my dilemma about going back to work, and whatever else comes up in my day.

So many of the bloggers that began with me have also gone on to have babies. I know there is more than me who feels the thrill of success and knows the sting of not exactly fitting in the Mommy club. I know, unfortunately that this means some of you will no longer be able to read my blog (if anyone still checks this thing after the last 5 months). I am sorry, I will miss you.

For those of you who are staying, I think a change in post frequency is in order, don't you.

So I will try my best to post much more frequently! Starting now.

And in the spirit of my new Mommy blogging, how about a gorgeous picture of my little man!