Transformation

It's 5:30 in the morning and I awake with painfully full breasts. I listen to the monitor but there are only the sounds of deeply sleeping breaths. I go to the washroom... maybe if I pee I will be able to go back to sleep. Nope... I need to feed her.

I walk into her room. She wakes as soon as her door creaks. She smiles up at me.. she always smiles up at me... it melts my heart, just as it always does.

She latches on and it's sweet relief. I love nursing my baby. I love to watch her nurse and listen to all the little contented sounds she makes. I love the way her eyes rarely leave mine until they are so heavy she can't keep them open anymore. I love how when her belly is full she let's go and snuggles her cheek into my breast. I love the fact that often at night we both fall asleep that way and I wake up some time later and put her back in her bed and go to mine.

Tonight I am very alert. I should be, she has been asleep since 7:15.... I have been asleep since 9:30. I drink in the way she smells. I watch her and my heart melts more. Who could imagine I could feel this kind of love twice. I was unsure that I would be able to love her the same as my son, turns out your world can revolve around two kids in the same way.

As she's drinking she smiles up at me. She's so happy I think. And I start talking to God. Thank you for blessing me with two such wonderful children. Thank you for allowing me to experience motherhood. I am a good Mommy but more importantly for me I love having the opportunity to stay home with my children.

When she's finished, she's wide awake. After all, she's slept for just over 10 hours. In hushed voices we talk and sing and smile at each other. And while I am staring at her, my heart bursting with love, I realize that I feel differently than I have in a long time. It's not happiness... I have been happy lots and it's not contentedness... although I am truly content. It's more than that... it's something that's been missing.

Peace. I feel peaceful. I haven't felt peaceful since Karen's accident. All those years I prayed for a baby. All those years I was angry that those prayers weren't answered. Turns out, I needed these children to come exactly when they did. They were sent now for a reason. Turns out my prayers were answered... the answer was yes, but when you need them most.

I miss my sister like crazy. I talk to her all the time. But I believe I have an eternity to spend with her after this life. So I want to make the most of this life while I can. It's why I have decided not to have more children. I would love to have another.. in an ideal world I would have at least one more.... but I have two healthy children. Two beautiful precious children who need their mommy. With the brain tumour, it is simply to risky now to get pregnant again. I have too much to lose. They have too much to lose. Suddenly I realize that this too is a decision I am at peace with. When did that happen?

I put the baby back in her bed where she's sighs contentedly (she loves her bed). I go to my bed where my son has been sleeping with us. I move him back to the middle and lay next to him and cuddle him tight. I lean forward and kiss his little blond head and wonder when he got so big. Why time seems to be on turbo speed when you are finally at the point where you would like it to drag on and on. I drink in his smell and I think... I am so lucky. I cuddle him tight and go back to sleep.

I have two children. Even as I type that it amazes me. I never thought I would get here. And after Karen's accident, I never thought I would feel this contented and peaceful. I am awed by the miraculous transformation of my life.

I am ready to be a Mommy blogger. In the next little while I will change the look of things around here and have it reflect my chaotic, crazy beloved life. And then I will start posting regularly again. Because I can. Because my children make me laugh and cry on a daily basis. Because this is what I have always wanted and so it is time to celebrate it. Because this kind of love and joy deserves to be shared.