I know I have said here before that Kara is a good sleeper (probably more than once or twice). It is something I am very happy about as Caden was never a good sleeper and still isn't.
He will not go to bed on his own (he will be three in 3 months) and he wakes up almost every night at least once sometimes 3 or 4 times and won't go back to sleep until we go in. We have tried Ferber, we have tried gradually trying to move further and further away (we get as far as the foot of the bed and then never get any further). I have read at least a dozen "sleep training" books. They all say that there are some children who are so insecure that sleep becomes a bit of a problem. That's Caden.
I know I have said in the past that he is really shy. I don't know that I have communicated just how deeply ingrained that shyness is. He is overwhelmed by new situations and is now at an age where he knows it and can anticipate it. He will tell me "I don't want to go in there Mommy, I will be scared" We go anyway of course, but I always end up with Caden sitting on my lap, refusing to move, even if he becomes fascinated by what is going on around him.
He is overwhelmed by noises, anything loud and he will say "make it quieter Mommy". He is so easily intimidated and doesn't have coping skills for dealing with other kids his age when they are naturally assertive/aggressive, such as when they want to come up and hug him, pull him by the hand to do what they want to do, or snatch the toy he was actively playing with, etc. I have never stopped putting him in these situations. Since he was 4 months old we have been in swimming lessons (he loves to swim as long as it is just him and I, it doesn't matter if there are other Mom's and babies as long as he is not asked to interact with those other Mom's and babies), we have had regular play dates with friends (the same friends for the last 2 years, I don't change the people on him). I do try to talk to him before and after about ways he could prevent/deal with the behaviors that intimidate him. I suggest that when other kids take the toy he is playing with he could nicely say "No thank you, I am not done playing with that yet" and take it back. I have suggested that when someone tries to give him a hug he offer them a high five (which he is fine with). When we talk he responds and says that those are good ideas but presented with the situation and he freezes and just looks at me terrified with big wide eyes and says "I want to go home Mommy" We don't go home, but still it breaks my heart.
I read a post from Serenity tonight and it really hit home. Life is tough. It is often loud and chaotic and it is up to me to teach him to deal with the world we live in. I must admit that there are a lot of things I have taught Caden that I am very proud of, but in this regard I have outright failed. We are enrolling him in preschool starting in September for a couple of mornings a week. We had always intended for our kids to go to preschool the year before school starts just for socialization, since they are not in a daycare, but it is even more important now given Caden's personality.
He has done Mom and tot gymnastics for the last year and a half and although he still has a while to go before he is in their age range for independent sessions, his coach has recommended he start without me at the next session (in April) because physically he is so far ahead of the other kids his age. We are going to give that a try. My fear though is that he will be so intimidated that he will just not want to go to gymnastics anymore and that will become another fight. I just want him to have fun, to enjoy the fun things that life offers kids. I don't want to always have to force him to do things that ultimately he doesn't enjoy. While I admit is somewhat embarrassing for me to always have the kid who cries through parties and group outings, that it is embarrassing to have to carry my 3 year old around in my arms when other kids are running around laughing and having a good time, it is truly not about my embarrassment. It makes me very sad that he has to be so scared. That he is missing out on so much because for some reason he is terrified of kids. That no matter what I try, I haven't yet found a way to help my little boy who depends on me to make things ok and for whom it is my job to prepare him for life.
Do any of you have kids that have been through this? If so, how did it work out?
Ok and back to what this post was suppose to be about.... Kara's sleep. For the last 2-3 weeks she has been sick, very sick. And for several nights she slept in the recliner chair with me. She had to be upright and in the line of the humidifier in order to breath easily enough to sleep. Our doctor was seeing her every 24 hours to make sure she was getting better her wheeze had gotten so bad. And then also during that couple of weeks I had to put her mattress down because she not only pulls herself up but holds on to the rails and jumps and I already had one trip to the ER because she jumped head first out of her high chair. So I don't know if she got used to sleeping in my arms (which previously she hated) or if having the mattress down makes her feel caged in (or some combination of the two) but for the last 4-5 days that she has felt better enough to sleep on her own, she is absolutely refusing to be in her bed awake. She howls and squeals like she is being tortured. But here is the best part, she stands up and starts banging against the wooden rails of the bed so hard that she has actually left red marks on her palms and arms.
Everything I have read on sleep training says that this age is the worse to try to sleep train. That is almost never successful because it is the stage of the first and most intense separation anxiety. I know she has hit this stage because she has become very stranger shy and also for the first time gets very upset if she can't spot me in a room. But seriously people, I can see this good sleeper slipping away from me and it is very scary. I NEED Kara to sleep well. I need her to go to bed on her own and sleep through the night at a reasonable age (she has done it on somewhat consistent intervals between growth spurts in the past) I NEED to not get up with two kids multiple times throughout the night. But mostly I need to know that I didn't cause insecurity in my children.
I hope they always stay this close!
2 comments:
Oh geez, there is a LOT in this post.
First of all, I SO sympathize with you on the shy thing with Caden. And I can tell you that this is NOT your failing, not at all. It's his personality - O is the same way.
Honestly, O goes to daycare EVERY DAY and hangs back. And he doesn't like to be touched, and if there's a clump of kids in one area in his classroom, he goes over to another area and plays with a different toy. School will be REALLY good for helping him with the natural introversion.
And I'm not sure if you've read any of the "Positive Discipline" books, but they make a great point, I think in the A to Z issues one, that you CAN teach a child how to be assertive and less scared. He just needs some confidence, and there ARE ways of boosting his self-confidence.
And with Kara's sleeping, O was never really a GOOD sleeper per se, but we did a few things to help him out. We always went in when he cried, and picked him up if he needed a snuggle. We said the same thing every time we put him back in: "it's time for sleeping. I love you."
And he had his bear blanket - the one he took to when he as 2mo old. From everything I've read, a transition object like a blanket or a stuffed animal helps kids through the separation anxiety. Especially if you bring it to your cuddle sessions, too.
It's really what got O through the rough transition to school - his bink and his bear made him feel safer.
Not sure if Kara has a stuffed animal or blanket that she might use?
Otherwise, all I can tell you is that please go easy on yourself. You have NOT caused insecurity in your kids. You're doing a great job.
xxx
I hope things are considerably better than they were a month ago. Particularly on the sleeping, I know how soul destroying that can be. I agree with serenity that a transition object might be a good idea, and that leaving her to cry is probably not your best option. When I moved Junior to his own room and stopped feeding him all night I just sat on the floor of his room and patted him for 2 hours the first night, then just 30 minutes the second. On the fourth night he slept through. That was 2 months ago. He still only sleeps through about 1 night in 2, but the other nights we just have to go in once or twice and we're not up for hours as we once were.
Thinking of you.
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