Ultrasound

The Ultrasound on Wednesday was perfect. A huge head, a little body and itty bitty dinasour arms and legs. Lots of movement that looked very much like a bee communicating and a heartbeat of 176.

Merry Christmas. It might very well be the first thing I've really gotten excited about the whole season.

I truly believe this pregnancy is a gift from my sister. My sister and I hardly ever fought but Reality might remember how heartbroken I was last fall when my sister and I fought heartily about my announcement that after Christmas I would start "trying" again. She did NOT want me to get pregnant again. She was afraid that the tumour would come back. She didn't understand at all why I would take that risk. She thought I was lucky to have recovered fully, completely and that I should count my lucky stars and take no risks. I told her I had to live my life, I couldn't live in fear. I told her the chances of it coming back in my case were miniscule and although statistically a little higher, still miniscule even if I got pregnant. I pleaded with her to see my point of view. I said "I want Caden to have a sibling. I don't want him to grow up an only child" She said "I want Caden to have a mother. I don't want to watch him grow up without you"

She told me she loved me and that last summer she had been terrified to think she could spend the rest of her life without me. I told her that would never happen. We both hung up after a couple hours still in tears.

Later, as time went on. She came to accept my decision. I don't think she ever fully approved but I think she knew that I had thought it out well. That I had listened carefully to my Neurologist and Neurosurgeon and that I wasn't taking unacceptable risks. She made me promise to not to ART until after this Christmas when she would be married and could start trying too.

I told my RE that I feel like that girl in high school who when asked why she didn't use protection says I didn't think you could get pregnant the first time. I am astounded in what we had to go through to get Boo and how easily this pregnancy came. My sister and I always shared such important news with each other before anyone else. So when I did the home pregnancy test and it was positive I told her, while still in the bathroom, before anyone else. I could have sworn I heard her giggle and say I already knew. I know that's crazy. I would have thought it hokey before but I have heard her voice in my head a few times since her death.

The due date is a short week from her birthday. She would have been thrilled about that, and it will give us all a reason to continue to celebrate her birthday.... she would have been thrilled about that too. There is connection between her and this baby somehow. I can't explain it but I can feel it.

I have started talking to God again too. It started with prayers for Flicka and then prayers for this baby. I cried, I yelled, I screamed that although this was wonderful, it was no fair trade. But in the end I begged that this baby would be safe, healthy. That our family would be done with it's suffering for a while and have a chance to heal. That new life would come at a time to help healing and allow us to reclaim our hearts for joy, even if a piece of it is lost forever.