Home Again

Caden and I had a fabulous time on our trip. There was lots of splashing water, digging in the sand, and strolling in the sun.

And because he was sharing a room/bed with Mommy, he went to bed every night at 7:30 and slept until 6:30 without stirring. Honestly... I could do co-sleeping. I have not felt so rested in a long time. And lots of afternoons I napped with him as well. It was delicious.

It was also fantastic to reconnect with an Aunt who I used to be quite close to but who moved away many years ago and whom I have only seen periodically since then.


Here are some pictures of our trip:






















































I wish I knew how to post a video. I have a cute one where Caden decided in a pub named "Margaritaville" to climb up on the table and dance to the song "Wasting Away Again In Margaritaville". While normally I would discourage such behaviour, trust me it fit right in with this cruise ship laden, 18 year old March Break crowd.



Now I am home and I am in nesting mode. I am researching cribs and double strollers (I would love your opinons on double strollers) and cleaning out my old home office so that it can become a nursery! I am really feeling the need to be organized. I spent just over $1000 dollars today on furniture that will make our two main living areas (living room and family room) more organized, especially now that we will be moving the computer in there.

There is still no name for this little girl. All of my favorite names have become so popular in the last several years, and I like strong names but not "out there" names so I am finding it very difficult. Any suggestions?

I feel like I have an abundance of energy for the first time in a year. And it almost is a year. April 11 with be the anniversary of my sister's accident. Caden and I and my brother will fly to my Mom and Dad's on the 8th.

Funk no more

So a few things have happened in the last two weeks to turn this funk around.

First, I started feeling the baby. Almost immediately after posting that I wasn't feeling the baby. I was 18.5 weeks when I wrote that last post. I had said that I was 16 weeks at my last check up two weeks ago and I think that is why everyone thought I was 16 weeks. Anyway... within days of posting that I was feeling movement every day.

Second, I booked my self a trip down south. Caden and I are going to spend a week haning with family and playing in the sand and surf. I need some sunshine. This snow and cold weather and staying indoors all the time is getting to me. We leave next Tuesday.

Third, I had my ultrasound today and found out first and foremost that the baby is ok and second that it is a little girl! If you know me, you know that my expressed preference for this pregnancy was a little boy. I really wanted Caden to have a brother, a same sex sibling. Someone to play with and bicker with and wrestle with and share his life with. I had a brother and sister and I was so close with both of them but there is something about same sex siblings, some kind of bond that is indescribable but quite amazing. So you can imagine my surprise when the tech pointed today to her head and her heart and her hands and feet and then between those feet, her vagina and I started bawling.... tears of joy.

I am actually overwhelmed by how excited I am for a little girl. I love my little boy so much. Right now it is impossible to quite imagine that I could love any other child as much.... But right now it is impossible to be in a funk. I have a growing, healthy life inside of me. I am going on a lovely, fun filled vacation with my son, and I am having a daughter!

I don't know

I don't know why I can't come here and post

I am in a funk I suppose.

I still read all your blogs, and even occasionall comment. But I can't seem to manage an update.

Nothing has been really bad in my life. Although in the past 18 months my perception of "really bad" has changed incredibly.

Christmas was hard, New Year's was harder still. Since then I seem to be running blank. I enjoy Caden, cherish him even more strongly perhaps, if that's even possible. But when he's asleep, I feel empty, blank, ambivalent.

I'm still pregnant. At my 16 week check up we heard the heart beat, that was 2 weeks ago or so. Strangely I have felt no movement. It seems to me that this being a second baby, and given that my placenta is on the back this time instead of the front, I should have by now. I'm chaulking that up to the extra weight I have on this time and trying not to think of other reasons I might feel no movement.

Ultrasound

The Ultrasound on Wednesday was perfect. A huge head, a little body and itty bitty dinasour arms and legs. Lots of movement that looked very much like a bee communicating and a heartbeat of 176.

Merry Christmas. It might very well be the first thing I've really gotten excited about the whole season.

I truly believe this pregnancy is a gift from my sister. My sister and I hardly ever fought but Reality might remember how heartbroken I was last fall when my sister and I fought heartily about my announcement that after Christmas I would start "trying" again. She did NOT want me to get pregnant again. She was afraid that the tumour would come back. She didn't understand at all why I would take that risk. She thought I was lucky to have recovered fully, completely and that I should count my lucky stars and take no risks. I told her I had to live my life, I couldn't live in fear. I told her the chances of it coming back in my case were miniscule and although statistically a little higher, still miniscule even if I got pregnant. I pleaded with her to see my point of view. I said "I want Caden to have a sibling. I don't want him to grow up an only child" She said "I want Caden to have a mother. I don't want to watch him grow up without you"

She told me she loved me and that last summer she had been terrified to think she could spend the rest of her life without me. I told her that would never happen. We both hung up after a couple hours still in tears.

Later, as time went on. She came to accept my decision. I don't think she ever fully approved but I think she knew that I had thought it out well. That I had listened carefully to my Neurologist and Neurosurgeon and that I wasn't taking unacceptable risks. She made me promise to not to ART until after this Christmas when she would be married and could start trying too.

I told my RE that I feel like that girl in high school who when asked why she didn't use protection says I didn't think you could get pregnant the first time. I am astounded in what we had to go through to get Boo and how easily this pregnancy came. My sister and I always shared such important news with each other before anyone else. So when I did the home pregnancy test and it was positive I told her, while still in the bathroom, before anyone else. I could have sworn I heard her giggle and say I already knew. I know that's crazy. I would have thought it hokey before but I have heard her voice in my head a few times since her death.

The due date is a short week from her birthday. She would have been thrilled about that, and it will give us all a reason to continue to celebrate her birthday.... she would have been thrilled about that too. There is connection between her and this baby somehow. I can't explain it but I can feel it.

I have started talking to God again too. It started with prayers for Flicka and then prayers for this baby. I cried, I yelled, I screamed that although this was wonderful, it was no fair trade. But in the end I begged that this baby would be safe, healthy. That our family would be done with it's suffering for a while and have a chance to heal. That new life would come at a time to help healing and allow us to reclaim our hearts for joy, even if a piece of it is lost forever.

Blogger ate my post

I spent some time late Friday night to update you all. And then I pressed publish and blogger told me it could not automatically save and then my post disappeared and I didn't have the emotional energy to type it again. It was about my sister.. a lot. I just spend several hours talking to her trying to get out some of my feelings so I am too spent to rehash here right now, but I will soon.

So, my progesterone rebounded to 30. Which means in 3 weeks since discontinuing the PIO it went from 44 to 22 to 14 to 30. Not sure if last week's number was a mistake, or if it took a while for this embryo to kick the progesterone production up a notch. Either way... I 'm glad it's back up. Next ultrasound is on Wednesday at which point I will be 9 weeks and I am left wondering how the hell that happened so fast.

Boo was very cuddly today. Kept coming up to me and offering kisses and at one point, as I lay on the couch, crawled up on me and snuggled his cheek right into my cheek and said "ahhh..nice" I am left awestruck often at how much of my heart he dominates but today..... today I realized that the feeling was mutual and that my friends was the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. Should stave me through the time he tells me he hates me later on.

At his 18 month appointment he was 33 inches (75%) and 25 lbs (50%) and the doctor was quite impressed with how far ahead he was on some of his developmental milestones. He has about 50 words and combines them into short, simple sentences such as "I want that" or "I did it" or "I don't know". He applies the vocabulary he has to unknown situations in somewhat appropriate contexts... for example he wanted me to open the window the other day but doesn't know the word open so he pointed at the window and said "up and down pease". He likes to run away from you when you tell him it's time to change his diaper and the other day I called him a turkey and he looked at me and said "gobble, gobble" as he laughed and ran away.

He is so mobile. He can run very fast, fast enough that I have to actually run to catch him. He can jump, actually lifting two feet off the ground. He has learned that when jumping on the bed he should jump straight up and then pull his legs straight up, in a pike position, so that he lands on his bum and legs and doesn't go flying off the bed. He goes up and down the stairs with far too much ease and has recently discovered that he can poke his toes into the holes of our gates and can almost hoist himself over them. I have fixed that by buying him several pairs of rubber sole slippers and am making him wear them all day long. And right now he loves to go "galloping" around the living room, lifting his feet and hop/skipping while making horse feet sounds (with his tongue and the roof of his mouth). I think this comes from his past favorite book "Oh the wonderful sounds Mr. Brown can do" There is one sentence that is "he can sound like horse feet and Rick and I always make the clicking sounds.

He loves to read. Loves, Loves,Loves it. In the right mood he will bring you 20 books in a row.... or 5 of his favorites and make you read each of them several times. He is a huge fan of Dr. Seuss. Right now he is enthralled with "Wacky Wednesday" and has read it so much in the last couple of weeks that he finishes the first sentence on almost every page. My favorite is when on the third page it says "I looked out the window and I said..." and he says in this excited little boy voice "Geeeeee"

We were at the store shopping a few days ago and he was getting overwhelmed in the toy section. He would go from toy to toy to toy pointing and saying in awe "Look at that"

That day in the store I looked at my son and thought to myself, where did this walking, talking little boy come from and where is my baby?

Ultrasound

The 7 week ultrasound showed a heartbeat. A nice strong heartbeat of 167.

My blood results showed a plumeted progesterone level of 14. Given that I had an allergic reaction to PIO this time, and that I am on the max does of suppositories, my doc feels that there is nothing to do but wait and see.

It is possible to sustain a pregnancy with a progesterone level of 14 she says very unconvincingly. I am to recheck the numbers this week.

I am not convinced that a pregnancy can be sustained with progesterone levels that low. And although she gave me the speil about the chances of problems going way down once you see a heartbeat, that speil was kind of lost on me. I've already lost one after seeing a heartbeat, a heartbeat and little arms and legs.

Another ultrasound on December 10, we'll see.

How Can Something So Small Make You SOOOO Sick

Dudes, I know that morning sickness is a coveted symptom amongst us but seriously.......

If my Mom were not here I do not know how I would "rescue" my son from any of the umpteen million things he does every day that could break his neck.

To say that Boo is busy is a giant understatement. The kid is 17 months old and goes down stairs the same as you and I (no more on his bum for him), likes to climb onto chairs but prefers to do it by climbing up the back of them and then hoisting himself over, loves to go flying over the back of the couch and his favorite passtime is too jump on the bed regardless of the fact that he has landed on his head on the hardwood floors twice (both times I was standing right there "spotting") and just couldn't get to him in time. We have banned bedjumping as a pass time but that means you absolutely cannot let him out of your sight. Before you can pull your very nauseous ass off the couch he can stop playing with his ball, race up over the steps and climb onto the bed using the rails like a ladder!

My parents are here until January. I sure hope the worst of the nauseousness is over by then. Of course, I would rather still be nauseous than no longer pregnant. But that seemed to go without saying.