To Thaw or Not to Thaw

My first IVF cycle started in September 2005. I did the long protocol, so the retrieval and transfer (both attempts but that's a story for a different post) happened in October. I have PCOS and hyperstimulated on the FSH injections. I ended up with 31 eggs, 18 mature on retrieval. Of the 18, 15 fertilized and 14 were available on day 3. However, on day 3 we went in for our transfer only to be sent home because the "stand in" doctor was not able to get the cathedar through my curved cervix. We were left hoping that the embryo's would make it to day 5 when we could try again with our regular doctor. 9 of the 14 embryo's developed into lovely compact blastocysts. We transferred 2 and froze 7.

I got pregnant but myHCG numbers stopped doubling and then started dropping rapidly. A week later I miscarried.

The doctor couldn't explain what went wrong for sure, just like we don't know for sure why we cannot conceive on our own. But she hypothesized that the fact that I hyperstimulated and that my estrogen level went to almost 17,000 may have affected the pregnancy. She recomended we try a frozen embryo transfer in hopes that a more "natural" hormone cycle may increase our odds.

So at the end of my last cycle I did a supression injection and on cycle day 1 of this cycle I started low and increasing levels of estrace to mimic a natural cycle (natural for a woman whose hormones regulate themselves correctly).

It is now cycle day 14 and tomorrow morning I have an ultrasound to check the thickness of my lining. If it is .8 or greater, we can schedule a FET for this weekend. I know this should be exciting but I am terrified.

I am afraid to be excited. I am afraid to be positive. I am afraid that if I am not positive it will not work. I am afraid and for the first time, I feel alone. During the first IVF my husband and I talked about it a lot. The miscarriage hurt both of us more than we believed possible. Although we still want to keep trying, we have stopped talking in what if's. We are afraid to believe that it might work and afraid to say out loud that it might not. So we haven't talked about it at all.

I am left wondering if I should continue with the FET. I know the stats, it is much less likely to be successful than doing the invitro again. I know there are no guarantees but it seems that we should be increasing the odds where we can.

I don't know if I am thinking this way because I am scared, because there is a part of me that thinks that after the first attempt, getting pregnant may be just as scary as not getting pregnant, but for whatever reason, I have a sinking feeling about this process and tomorrow's ultrasound appointment.