Well, I guess it is time to decide where to go next. This FET did not work. Our beta is not until Wednesday but I am now 100% positive it did not work.
Part of me would like to take a break, to take a vacation, rekindle the fun and spontaneity in my marriage, to remember a time before life was obsessed with getting pregnant. But the other part of me is scared of our biological clock. Scared to tempt fate and end up with more problems than we have now (like egg quality problems).
So far I have done 6 clomid cycles (three of which were IUI), 1 IVF and 1 FET. In June it will be three years since we first started trying. I am not sure if we should do IVF again, FET again or move on to adoption. I know adoption is not for everyone but I also know that it is for me. I know that I can love any child whether it is biologically related to me or not (and I have in the past). However, Rick would really like to have a child that was created by us.
I was at church this Sunday and realized that there are still so many things that I do not understand. I do not believe that God is responsible for my infertility, just as I do not believe God gives people cancer. I cannot believe that. I cannot believe that my God would or could be responsible for the injustice in the world. However, I believe in God and that he/she guides us through life. I recognize this is contradictory. I have always been afraid to examine this too closely because I am not sure I could handle where my introspection might take me. However, I was reading a blog from a friend of Jenna's and I realized that there is one thing I very much believe "God never meant for me not to have children" and knowing that makes it much, much easier to keep going.
My follow up appointment with my doctor is April 29th so I guess I will need to make some decisions by then.
I hope they always stay this close!
3 comments:
I am so sorry that you are feeling so negitive about this cycle, that just sucks. Are you still going to go tomorrow to get the test? I will be thinking about you tomorrow. Sorry i haven't been online, I have been really sick this week.
I really hope that you and Rick can decide what is best for the two of you. All of this infertilty stuff is so hard and so unfair. I just hope that it ends with a miracle, however that miracle comes.
I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you today.
I know how hard all of this is. I can relate to your thoughts about God and at times it's the only thing that keeps me going.
Post a Comment