Taking a Break

So the beta, as expected, was a big fat negative. The nurse, who knows how disappointed I was that my doctor did not come to do the transfer, had the good grace to be very sincerely upset when she called me. If I leave this clinic I will actually miss this nurse.

So here's the question. Should I find a new doctor or not? The policy at this clinic is that you do not get to see a specific doctor, you get which ever doctor is in that day. The clinic is made up of 10 doctors from the area and each has their own smaller clinics as well. When I first started with my doctor I went to her smaller clinic. I really liked her and her staff and was quite happy. However, the smaller clinic does not do IVF. If I stay I have to accept the fact that I will get whichever doctor is in that day. It's not that I'm against the policy it's just that with this 90 degree angle, I have had some very bad experiences with new doctors. And at least one of those experiences interferred with my treatment. Once the doctor has negotiated it a couple of times they usually don't have trouble but the first couple of times is almost always unsuccessful.

The good news is that Rick and I have come to an agreement. We are going to take at least three months before doing any more treatment. I am going back to Halifax this week for 5 days to visit friends and I am really looking forward to my trip. Our anniversary is May 13th and we have agreed to go on a vacation that week (likely to the Carribean where we spent our honeymoon).

I am also going to quit my job. It is very stressful in a lot of ways. I have tried very hard to make it work because they know about the treatments and are very supportive, but I simply cannot make it work and I have been very unhappy there lately. I am applying for two other jobs that I would love to get but if I don't get them I still have two options, I can either go out on my own or join another lawyer who practises about an hour away (not sure if I would move or commute).

I have always believed in being positive and being responsible for your own decisions and for making yourself happy. Generally it has been my experience that if you maintain a positive outlook, take opportunities when they become available and work very hard, things work out ok. Or at least that was my experience before I started trying to get pregnant. So.. I am going to stop putting my life on hold because I might be pregnant in a couple of months. Hopefully I will be pregnant in a couple of months and if so, I will cope with my life as it is then. But I am done waiting patiently. When I look back over the last three years and think of the things I have given up or not done because I expected to be pregnant it is a little depressing.

Strangely enough, now that I have made all of these decisions, I fell much more hopefully about the posibility of success when we do start treatment again.