When trying is trying

Several months ago I told Rick I needed a plan. I needed to know when this would be over and we would move on. At that point I was ready to move to adoption but Rick wanted to keep trying. We agreed that we would use up the frozen embryo's (likely 2 more transfers) and do IVF once more but if not pregnant by January 2007 we would start the adoption process.

After our last BFN from the frozen transfer Rick and I had this conversation:

Rick: Maybe we should start discussing adoption now
Krista: starts crying hysterically
Rick: (Very concerned) But I thought you wanted to adopt
Krista: I did... I do... more crying hysterically
Rick: What's wrong?
Krista: I'm not ready to accept that I will never have a baby. That I will never feel my growing belly, feel a baby kick, give birth, breast feed. I'm not ready to give up on that dream.
Rick: Ok, how many more treatments should we do?
Krista: As many as it takes?
Rick: Huh?
Krista: As many as it takes to either get pregnant or until I feel ready to move on
Rick: Any idea how many that might be?
Krista: Nope
Rick: But these treatments are really expensive
Krista: Yeah, but we have the money
Rick: Yeah but that means we are not spending it on anything else. I would like to travel, take relaxing vacations, have a golf membership. How many years might you want to spend all our money on treatments
Krista: Well... I'm not sure. I'm only 32, I feel that's too early to give up. I don't know when I might give up but probably I won't go past 40 (after all I started when I was 28).
Rick: Gulp

A couple of days ago I overheard this conversation between Rick and a friend who knows about our infertility:

Friend: My boy is only 12 years old and I've already spent $23,000.00 on a college savings plan
Rick: I've spent over $23,000.00 on a kid that doesn't exist
Friend: Shit!

On Monday I had my first single visit with our doctor. Rick has gone to every other doctor's appointment (not all the blood tests and stuff). However, he just started a new job and had some important meetings. She recomended we do a fresh invitro cycle. When I got home and explained it to Rick we had a conversation that went like this:

Krista: Dr. Optamistic thinks we should do a fresh cycle
Rick: Did you tell her we no longer have fertility drug coverage
Krista: No - why would she care
Rick: You realize that it's now going to cost us $10,000
Krista: Yup - adoption would cost between $20,000 to $30,0000
Rick: Yeah but then we would actually get a baby - your way we might spend $50,000 more in treatment and still spend $30,000 to adopt a baby
Krista: (With very little else to say and tired of talking about money) Yeah but how much would you pay for the possibility of having our own of these?

















Rick: Sigh......... Yeah ok


So it appears we are doing another fresh cycle. I am currently on cd 18 so once I get my period I will schedule a day 3 blood and wanding and then on cd 21 we will start supression and then start stimulation on cd1. Looks like retrieval will be sometime around the end of September. Doc Optamistic wants to cut back my stimulant this time to attempt to develop less follicles and allow them to grow more slowly.

Here we go again.