Back in the Saddle

Thank you to all who emailed (through My Reality) with condolances, thoughts and prayers on the loss of my sister. Even with the monumental birth of my first child, this year has totally sucked. It has been the best and the very worse year of my life.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster. And although I generally love roller coasters, I can tell you that I wish I could get the hell off this one.

My sister K was a bright and shining star in our family. A very close family. A family that is always there for each other. A family that has never ever missed spending a christmas together despite the fact that the children were 34, 32, and 26 and lived in 3 different provinces.

She was a teacher who was beloved by her students (and she taught junior high!), she was a sister who despite loving her job, left in the middle of the year last year when I was diagnosed with a brain tumour and said fuck the consequences. She was a sister who stayed home the day I had brain surgery (although she cried when I asked her too she so wanted to be at the hospital) because I trusted her with the baby and it would be the only person I wouldn't worry about. She was a sister who did night duty over and over again as I recovered from surgery and was simply too spent to be up all night. She was a sister I was supposed to spend 5 weeks with this summer, 1 of which was supposed to be a week in the States, wedding dress shopping.

She was..... she was everything a sister should be. And now she is gone. Suddenly... without a good-bye.. without a final "I love you", without even being able to see her one more time or kiss her face or stroke her hair.

I will never again be the first to hear her most exciting news (like when she started her period, had her first kiss, lost her virginity, got engaged and a week before her accident got accepted to do her masters). I will never again kiss away her tears and promise her that life will be ok. I will never get to the first to hear of her pregnancy or be there when she had children of her own. I will not be the matron of honour at her wedding this Christmas.

My poor son has probably lost the most. K was the Aunt we all want to have. She would the one to make every visit fun. From making and painting pottery, to baking to trips to the Zoo, the amusement park or the swimming pool, there never would have been a dull moment with Aunt K. He will never know her. Never remember the love she felt for him. Never remember that 2 days after she went home last summer she called me bawling because she couldn't remember his smell and she was so sad that he would smell differently when she next saw him at 4 months (we saw each other on web cam several times a week so she got to see him growing). He won't remember that when we travelled to my home province when he was 4 months old that she drove 2.5 hours after school to be there when we arrived even though she had to drive 2.5 hours back the next morning before school started because she couldn't possibly wait 2 days until the weekend.

I have lots of pictures and video's. Pictures of her looking at him the first day she saw him when he was 4 days old. Her face shows a love that usually only a mother feels. But I don't have her. I shall never again melt into the hug that made me know that she loved me as much as I loved her.

I am doing ok. Much better than could have been expected I believe. Mostly because of Caden. It is impossible to be sad around a little monkey who can now walk and climb and make faces and give hugs and kisses. Besides nothing would dishonour my sister more than allowing my son (her baby she would argue) to grow up with a Mommy who is sad all the time. But still... life will never be the same. I will never be the same. I will always know what I have lost. I will always wish that I could call my sister when Caden does something new.

I am going home on Friday. It is my sister's birthday on Saturday and we need to be together as a family. My Mom is devastated and I am not sure she will ever be ok again but I know the only time I have seen her smile in the last 3 months is when she is around Caden so I am hoping a couple of weeks with him will do some good.

I am able to return to blogging now. Until now I could not have written this post. Could not talk about her being gone. When I come back I will tell whoever wants to listen how we are also back in the saddle with regards to infertility. How we are not one of those couples who blissfully "fall" pregnant with number 2 and how before I go on Friday I will have an appointment with the clinic for the fall. But before I continue on with blogging about my life, I wanted to share some of my sister with you.

On a sister's road trip in 2004

Us visiting our 5 year old "photographer"

Karen and her fiance in 2004 (before they were engaged)

K and Mom and Dad at her graduation.

One of our annual Christmas Eve, new pj's family pictures

Her engagement photo

The first time she saw his face

Pretty damn excited that her sister came home from having brain surgery but not prepared to give back the baby just yet!

In tears because she received a birthday card from her nephew!

She loved staying up with him (she said I don't feel like I'm hogging him in the middle of the night when everyone else is sleeping) even when he was sleeping she found it hard to put him down.

Can I take him to the beach, please....?

Our first trip to Newfoundland - 2 months after she left

I Love you Aunt K

Christmas -Could not believe how big he had gotten since his last visit 2 months ago

So happy that they were together for Christmas

The three amigo's and their baby

The last time my sister and I were together