The loss of something magical

Boo started out as an angel sleeper. As an infant he would get up every 2.5 to 3 hours to feed and then immediately go back to sleep. By 3 months he was only getting up once a night and by 6 months he was sleeping through. And the best part was that he would go into his crib awake and put himself to sleep.

I prided myself on instilling good sleep habits. I never gave him a bottle right before bed (usually at least 45 minutes before bed) and I started putting him to bed drowsy but awake at an early age.

But.... then he learned to pull himself up to standing. He did it with gusto and pride all over the house, including his bed. The problem was he couldn't get himself down again. So the cycle started. He'd go to bed, before I got down the stairs he would pull himself up and within minutes be screaming because he couldn't get down. I would go in and lay him down and before I closed the door again, he would pull himself back up. I started giving him his bottle right before bed with his lights down and voila he would fall asleep and then I could put him in bed without the 50 curtain calls to lay him back down. I knew it could be a bad habit but I highly value the 2 hours or so I get with my husband in the evening and I didn't want to be still putting the baby to bed when it was my bedtime. In the beginning it seemed to have no ill effects. He still slept through the night.

Then my sister died and our lives turned upside down. We were in a new house for almost a month. He had his own room and his own crib but it was unfamiliar and if I put him in there awake he would cry his "I'm very afraid" cry. I was an emotional wreck and needed to feel a strong connection to him. And to top everything off he got sick. Throwing up and diarreah. Could of been a bug or a stressed reaction of all the changes in his life (new place, very upset mommy, etc)

I started letting sleep with me, sometimes for naps, almost always when he awoke in the middle of the night. I KNOW!!!!!!! I even knew at the time it would come back to bite me in the ass. But the thing is, I needed it. I was very good at being strong when he was awake. After the first 2 weeks I refused to be upset in his presence. But when he slept.... well when he slept the enormity of my loss would hit me like a tonne of bricks and I couldn't control myself. Sleeping with him both kept me from losing it and also focused me on the precious gift I had been given.

And I learned that I love co-sleeping. LOVE IT. I love feeling his breath on my face, or having his back cuddled against my stomach and feeling the rhythm of his breathing. I love that in the deepest sleep if he stirred I could kiss his forehead and he would smile in his sleep. I love that sometimes he would cuddle into me and with his eyes closed and a big smile he would say Mama, as he drifted off to sleep. I loved the smile of anticipation as we headed to bed with his blankie. I found myself taking him to my bed for naps, even when I had no intention of napping, just to be close to him. I am so aware that he is growing at lightning speed. That I will never have this cuddly, affectionate toddler again.

The problem is two-fold. First and foremost, co-sleeping has actually decreased Boo's sleep. He not only wants to sleep in my bed, he wants me to sleep there with him. And I don't want to go to bed at 7:30. And I don't always want to nap for 3 hours in the afternoon. And I don't feel safe leaving him there alone. It is a long way to the floor and no soft surface for him to land. And he is a squirmer, so I am awake a lot at night, even if I can smile adoringly at him during that time period.

The second problem is that co-sleeping is not a legitimate option for Rick. He is a deep sleeper who has often in the past clunked me in the head with an elbow as he violently moves about in his sleep. He is difficult to wake. And he knows that he is a danger to Boo. So he barely sleeps when Boo is in the bed and often moves to a different room when I bring Boo to bed with me.

As a result last week I started sleep training, using the modified CIO method. It sucked but it was effective (sort off). The books suggested that I didn't need to use it at nap time and if Boo awoke in the middle of the night. That once he learned to go to sleep on his own at bedtime that he would automatically use that skill at other times. This however is not the case for Boo. Or perhaps it would have been if I hadn't sabotaged my own effort but rebelling against losing my precious baby time by still napping with him and letting him sleep in the reclining chair with me for long periods of time at night when he woke up.

So I have resulted in making it more difficult for him. He cried for almost 45 minutes the first night, only 24 minutes the second and only 11 minutes the third, subsequently he has cried for 5 minutes or less at bedtime. However, he now wakes up 4-5 times a night.

So tonight I bit the bullet and decided that the modified CIO has also got to be used in the middle of the night. And he has to nap in his crib and go in there awake, even if that means shorter naps for a while. It's what Boo needs. He needs the consistency to get the amount and quality of sleep he needs to continue to develop and grow into the amazing toddler he is becoming.

And really he is a quick study, he awoke and cried. I went in and told him it was bedtime that I loved him and that he had to stay in his bed and sleep. I rubbed his back and said good night. He cried for 3 minutes, whimpered for a minute or so and has been asleep ever since.

I however, have cried for much longer. Because I can't comfort my baby the way I want to. It is my job to be a parent, to teach him the things he needs to know in life, even if those lessons are sometimes hard. I want my son to be a good sleeper. I know that it is incredibly important to his ability to learn and develop. I also want him to be independent, it is also incredibly important and a huge factor in developing self-esteem. But I don't have to like it. And I am going to really miss the magical moments of waking up next to my snuggled in son and breathing in his scent and knowing with 100% certainty that we are both safe and exactly where we want to be.