Anyone out there have any success with a method other than the modified CIO.
I hate CIO. I hate to hear my son cry and not comfort him. I hate that he goes to sleep upset. I hate that he wakes up upset. I hate that while he now goes to sleep awake and fairly quickly, his sleep habits have gotten worse, not better.
Boo now hates bedtime. Hates it with a passion. Cries his eyes out at the mention of bath times. Starts to throw a temper tantrum when we go up the stairs (even though it is a good 30-40 minutes before bedtime). Cries through his bath, through being dried off, refuses to play or have stories before bed (and this was his, and my favorite time before). Basically after two weeks he is still crying every night although now he only cries 10 minutes or less once he is in his bed, but he cries for a long time before bed, basically through his whole bedtime routine.
And he is waking up more at night. Waking up more and taking a long time to get himself back to sleep, like sometimes up to 45 minutes.
I know it's only been two weeks but people I am not sure I have the emotional strength to keep this going. And the three books I have read on this method all say that significant improvement should happen by day 4 and sleeping should be vastly improved in 2 weeks.
I welcome all advice. But please remember, co-sleeping is not an option (as much as I may want it to be) because I also enjoy sleeping with my husband and he is NOT ok with co-sleeping. And besides, Boo moves so much at night I don't get much sleep that way either.
Before we started CIO a good night looked like this.
Bath - Boo really enjoyed
Drying off and lotion - I did massage with lotion and we played games like this little piggy or round and round a circle. Boo really enjoyed
Play time - 5-10 minutes of quiet play. Blocks or this abacus like bead toy.
Stories - anywhere from 2-5 stories depending on the length
Bottle and asleep in my arms - anywhere from 10-25 minutes
Middle of the night he woke up at 3:00 and I gave him a bottle and he went back to sleep right away.
Unfortunately right before we started CIO he was getting up more than once and sometimes 3-4 times a night, taking a significantly long time to go back to sleep and really wanting to sleep with me.
For the first week I did nothing else except take away his night time bottles. He now gets a bottle before we go up to bath time and if he wakes up during the night I was putting him back to sleep without a bottle. This change didn't seem to faze him at all. He clearly didn't need the night time bottle.
It has now been two weeks on the go to bed awake and the last three nights have been total hell from 6:50 on. So much so that tonight I skipped bath, got him dressed for bed downstairs and then let him fall asleep in my arms.
It is NOT OK for my son to be so upset every night!
I would like him to sleep better but the current situation is worse. I don't want him to hate his bedtime routine. I want him to enjoy his bath and our massages and his playtime and reading. I don't want him unsoothably upset for 45 minutes before bed. I trust my instincts and that just screams wrong. I just don't know what else to do.
12 comments:
Hi Krista,
Now, I just need to say, you won't get a balanced opinion from me, because I am in EXACTLY the same situation as you, including the anti-cosleeping husband, in another bed. And I have really strong, possibly unreasonable views on this topic... so feel free to ignore anything I write. :)
To be honest, I don't think CIO is intended for older babies and toddlers. Maybe for newborns. I don't think it teaches them independance, but I do think it erodes the parent-child relationship at a time when it is RIGHT for them to depend on you. It teaches them that you won't respond to them. I cannot stomach the cruelty of it. I have tried, but I don't think anything that makes me instincts scream with the wrongness of it, and hurts both of us that much, can be good.
In terms of T. I have basically said to him this: I am only going to have one child. He will only be little for a short time. Some time soon, sooner than I would like probably, he is not going to need me in this way. Now, T. is a grown-up. He can understand the fact that our separation is temporary, and well, he can WAIT. Jasper isn't old enough to understand this. When I leave him to cry, he thinks I have abandoned him, for real. People say: he's manipulating me. Maybe he is,maybe he's not. But the fact remains, he for whatever reason wants me to be there. and I believe that is a valid need for an 18 month old to have.
Once Jasper has language fully and I can explain to him, maybe we'll tackle it then.
But for the time being, I don't think its unreasonable for my husband to have to accept that my child is my first priority at this early, early stage of his life.
That said, I have a book called "The no-cry sleep solution" By Elizabeth Pantley. It's quite good. I just prefer to cuddle Jasper than implement it, haha. :)
Reading this post made my heart ache!
I think it is quite beautiful that you and your son found comfort in each other during a time of harsh grief. It seems like it's been the natural thing to do - even though I understand that you need to make some changes now, and that is valid as well. Last week I meant to comment to encourage you to find a gentle way of coaching both Boo and yourself into a modified pattern, one that will work better for your family at this time. I am just a lurker, and you don't know me, but I feel that I should say something, lend a hand somehow.
My opinion about CIO is just my opinion, of course. What works for some doesn't work for others - no judgment. It sounds like it's not working for you, that pretty much sums up all I'm trying to say here. Even the experts will state that it just doesn't work for some. Maybe, as Meg says, it is too late in the game? Maybe it was never for you guys? For sure it is something that doesn't fit everybody, and my 2 cents are that I could never make it work for us either, so you have all my sympathy.
In the end, it doesn't really matter if it's a question of timing or personality. If it's not working, please allow yourself to look into alternatives. I was going to suggest the same book Meg already mentioned, the No Cry Sleep Solution. It has helped me feel stronger in my quest to be the same kind of parent through the night that I am during the day. It is not a quick fix, but it has some helpful tips, many of which aim at making sure that bedtime feels safe and not scary. Sleeping can and should be associated with pleasant, soothing times of relaxation. You described it so beautifully, your words moved me. I believe that you don't have to be co-sleeping in order to foster that. There are ways to find a functional compromise that won't leave you feeling so wrong.
I guess what I am trying to say is that following your heart also involves giving yourself permission to really do so...
I don't mean for anything that I am writing here to offend you in any way. If for some reason it does, I apologize. I hope you find soon some resolution to the painful situation you guys are in, I trust you will find the right balance.
I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Maybe he is going through a phase that is causing the crying before bed?? I hope it's not tied to bed time... :(
I think I would try something else. It only took my daughter a couple of nights to adjust when I let her cry it out. You have had a lot going on in your life maybe you guys are ready for this kind of change.
I hope you find something that works for you.
Hugs and thinking of you
Oh Krista. Sleep is always such a source of upset in our house. Chicka needs cuddling to sleep and up till now I have given it to her. But it's starting to take longer and longer for her to settle down so I've started putting her into her crib awake.
It sucks. Plain and simple. If I didn't have another one on the way I might not feel so much pressure to get this sorted out but I know that I will be unable to spend the time that Chicka is accustomed to come Feb so a few nights ago we started the CIO (I should mention that it's not for the first time). It's so hard. I feel like beating myself up for not dealing with this sooner. But. The first night it was an hour, the next 50 mins. Last night it was only a half hour and the cry was not the screaming of the previous 2 nights.
But I'm floundering here myself. I wish I had the answers for you.
What if you rocked him to sleep but didn't engage? Held him but didn't talk or look at him. That has worked for a friend of mine. Especially in the middle of the night.
Or what about moving the crib into your room temporarily? Have it beside your bed then at the foot? Move it closer to the door and then just outside the door etc.
I wish you well in this. I know how it tears at your heart.
xo
I'm so sorry this is so rough hon, crap, I hoped that he would be adapting better but I guess not.
Well, I used to rock the boys to sleep when they got too big to fit in our bed, and I would suggest that for now so you can get him to stop being afraid of bedtime.
Another idea I used when the boys were older and bigger, was something from the Sick Kids sleep book called chair sitting. Basically, you go to them when they cry, and you hug or pat and make some soothing sounds, but don't leave and don't pick them up. You just sit in a chair beside them until they are okay and asleep.
They know that you are there for them and safe, but they don't get everything they want either.
Eventually, the time they take to go to sleep gets shorter and shorter and the time you spend in the chair is shorter. Then you start leaving when they are only a little asleep, and start moving the chair further and further away.
I did this when my kids were in toddler beds, so they could get out, but in that case, I just kept quietly putting them back and kept the door closed and made it clear that it was time to go to sleep but not be alone.
Hope this helps?
I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to say I really feel for you and that you're right, it doesn't sound good what's happening since you've started sleep training.
I've 'sleep trained' all three of mine, all around 8 months or so. They cry for what feels like forever the first night (although I can look back on my notes, and it's only about an hour - I still hate it), and by the third night they're sleeping through. Before that point they've usually been up 2, 3, 4 times a night.
I don't like doing it, and I usually do it a couple months later than I could have/should have, but I'm glad I've done it and it's worked so far for my kids.
I can't imagine that if that's how he's reacting after two weeks, that it's going to get better. I don't know what the solution is, unfortunately, but I just felt like I needed to post and give you a hug and confirm your instinct that it's probably not right.
Oh Krista--I am so sorry it's been so difficult. I did sleep training so earlier on that I really have no advice. Based on the comments of the other ladies, I guess it is a very personal decision and what might work with some will not work with others. I say follow your gut--I know how hard it is to listen to your son crying and you can't comfort him. Thinking of you!
Hey Krista...
I have no advice as I have no experience. But some of the suggestions here sound good. Hope you find something that works for all of you.
We had to actually do this with Sariel's daughter when she was 11 & 1/2. Up to that point she had always slept with someone. It was unbelievably difficult and I'm surprised the three of us survived. Because she's not with us all the time, it was one step fwd, two steps back but this summer, at the age of 13, she is a sleeper. Maybe some kids figure this out themselves but sadly, Sariel's daughter wasn't able to.
I know you will find a way to get the sleep you all need in a way that makes everyone, especially Boo, feel secure. The only reason I'm telling you my story is just to say that it's really difficult even when they're older.
Thinking of you all.
peace
shlomit
Oh Krista. This is so hard. I have no advice for you at all because I've never been in the situation. I do think you're a great mom and I know that you'll find the solution that's right for you. Regardless of what happens in the interim, Boo KNOWS that you love him. It seems like he's testing some boundaries just to make sure but you're showing him consistently that you do love him and you'll always be there, cosleeping or not. He had good sleep habits before, he'll have them again, eventually. And so will you. No matter how you get there.
*hugs*
Flicka
I tried CIO with Pob at about 6 months, and it didn't work quickly, and I wasn't prepared to let it drag on. Although she spent quite a few months waking up in the night, we got her to go to sleep at bedtime easily relatively quickly. I don't think there was a magic bullet, we just stuck to a bedtime routine including the bottle. Sometimes she fell asleep on the bottle, but she always woke up at least a little bit as I put her into the cot, so she knew what was happening.
The waking up in the night was a lot harder. Sometimes she'd go back down if we just replaced her dummy, sometimes she would only sleep if we held her, for hours at a time. We reverted to alternating nights sleeping upstairs in the spare room next to hers, so that at least we each got some sleep. I think she just grew out of it, don't think it was anything we did. But from 4.5 months to 8.5 months she was terrible.
One thing we did which was stupid was to drop the 1030pm feed before she was ready for it, because others with the same age babies were dropping it. She simply woke at about 2am desparate for food. so we should have kept going with that until she really didn't want it - which happened at about 8 months.
One thing that works well now is that she has a lovey - a little bunny that's been in her crib since she was tiny. She holds it all night. You might want to put something like a teddy or a taggy blanket or something similar in the crib with him and after a few weeks he will start to see it as a comforter - something stable to cuddle which isn't you.
So hang in there, it will get better. And in the interim please don't do something which is makign your whole family miserable. Babies shouldn't be left to cry. They don't know you're coming back, they just know that you're not there and they need you. They are too young to manipulate you, they're doing it because they love you and need comfort.
I hope you have found a solution that is working for you both. I have no advice, just know I am thinking of you.
I hope you have found a solution that is working for you both. I have no advice, just know I am thinking of you.
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