This morning marked the 1st of many wandings and blood draws.
This morning still had 17 baby follicles on one side and 12 on the other. Measuring anything that was 1.0 and over we had:
1.1, 1.1, 1.0, on the right
1.0 on the left
One more than cd5 the last time around.
I am not overly concerned about that though, because last time they increased my dose from 225 to 300 and told me to come back in 3 days (3 full doses of 300) whereas this time they said to leave the dose at 225 and they would call me after they got the blood results to see if I need to go in tomorrow or skip 1 day and go back on Wednesday.
Side Effects:
I am fucking tired. Like unrealistically tired. Like how tired I was when I was pregnant for that three whole weeks. I don't remember being this tired last time. But last time I wasn't blogging so I have no record.
I am also having trouble with depth perception which means I bonked my head getting into my own car on Saturday and then pulled into a parking space and nudged the pick up truck in front of me. Let me tell you that I have NEVER had an accident and that this little incident bothered me.... ALOT. The guy in the pick up truck just laughed though, cause he had a hitch on his truck and it bent my license plate a little and he could not figure out why I was so upset about a bent license plate. I was not about to tell him my hormonal state so I just let him laugh!
Monday, September 18, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
I got a new toy
First an update on my appointment on Wednesday. It went great. No cysts, suppression evident, antral follicle count 17 on left and 12 on the right. Rick's sperm analysis was also great. 134 million was the count, volume was 2.9, motility was 65%, can't remember rest of the details but they were all at or above the WHO standards.
Then I plunked down $950 and got a new toy. It is the Gonal F pen that I can play with for exactly 4 days until I have to plunk down more $ and get a new toy. I've never used the Gonal F pen before because last time I did IVF they were still using the "old" needle and bottle of drug method. This looks kind of cool and I must admit I was happier about paying the $950 when it came with a neat little pen and not the bottle and baggy of needles.
I start the pen tonight. Rick is still away in Seattle so you all better hope I am smart enough to figure this pen out.
The first follicle check is on Monday.
Last time when I went in for 1st time they sent me away for 3 more days cause nothing was going on in there. I am hoping they do that again because Rick is going to Indiana for 2 nights. He leaves on Monday and comes back on Wednesday. I would like to go, if for no other reason than he has been away for 2 weeks and I need some sleep already.
Finally, I have been tagged by Alli . The deal is that Alli has give me 4 words to react to by writing the first thing that comes to my mind. Then I have to tag 4 of you and give you 4 words. Here it goes:
Alli said "helmet" - I think - bicycle! snowmobile! motorcyle! (this feels like a guessing game, taboo or pictionary where I shout out the answers.
Alli said "snug" - I think - baby..... snug as a bug in a rug. I think of snugglies and swaddling a sweet smelling baby with ultra soft blankies.... hmmmm guess you know where my mind is these days.
Alli said "pink" - I think - ewwww.. I'm not really a pink person, although I did break down and buy a pink, funky textured jacket when it was so popular
Alli said "stick of butter" - I think - WTF! Seriously thought, that is exactly what popped into my head. Guess I don't think about butter very often. Much later (not even a close second) I did think about home made pie crusts.
I will tag people later, right now I can think of 4 unusual or interesting words!
That's all for now folks. Rick gets home tomorrow at around 8:00 pm and I plan on having him in bed by 9:00. And get your minds out of the gutter. I meant to sleep, it has been 12 out of the last 14 days!
Then I plunked down $950 and got a new toy. It is the Gonal F pen that I can play with for exactly 4 days until I have to plunk down more $ and get a new toy. I've never used the Gonal F pen before because last time I did IVF they were still using the "old" needle and bottle of drug method. This looks kind of cool and I must admit I was happier about paying the $950 when it came with a neat little pen and not the bottle and baggy of needles.
I start the pen tonight. Rick is still away in Seattle so you all better hope I am smart enough to figure this pen out.
The first follicle check is on Monday.
Last time when I went in for 1st time they sent me away for 3 more days cause nothing was going on in there. I am hoping they do that again because Rick is going to Indiana for 2 nights. He leaves on Monday and comes back on Wednesday. I would like to go, if for no other reason than he has been away for 2 weeks and I need some sleep already.
Finally, I have been tagged by Alli . The deal is that Alli has give me 4 words to react to by writing the first thing that comes to my mind. Then I have to tag 4 of you and give you 4 words. Here it goes:
Alli said "helmet" - I think - bicycle! snowmobile! motorcyle! (this feels like a guessing game, taboo or pictionary where I shout out the answers.
Alli said "snug" - I think - baby..... snug as a bug in a rug. I think of snugglies and swaddling a sweet smelling baby with ultra soft blankies.... hmmmm guess you know where my mind is these days.
Alli said "pink" - I think - ewwww.. I'm not really a pink person, although I did break down and buy a pink, funky textured jacket when it was so popular
Alli said "stick of butter" - I think - WTF! Seriously thought, that is exactly what popped into my head. Guess I don't think about butter very often. Much later (not even a close second) I did think about home made pie crusts.
I will tag people later, right now I can think of 4 unusual or interesting words!
That's all for now folks. Rick gets home tomorrow at around 8:00 pm and I plan on having him in bed by 9:00. And get your minds out of the gutter. I meant to sleep, it has been 12 out of the last 14 days!
Monday, September 11, 2006
A Major Case of Nerves
I have started my period and I feel sick to my stomach. I don't think it is my period making me sick. I think I am sick because of the finality of this next step.
On Wednesday I have my day 0 appointment. I pay my fees. I start my stims.
Am I really going to do this all again?
Am I really going to do the daily needles, the daily blood and ultrasounds, the worry about not having enough follicles and then the worry about having too many. Am I really going to do a second retrieval? And in the love of anything sane, am I really going to do another transfer with yet another doctor.
Am I ready to plunk down my $11,000.00 and face the prospect of failure, but also a glimmer of hope.
You bet I am! Excuse me while I go puke now.
On Wednesday I have my day 0 appointment. I pay my fees. I start my stims.
Am I really going to do this all again?
Am I really going to do the daily needles, the daily blood and ultrasounds, the worry about not having enough follicles and then the worry about having too many. Am I really going to do a second retrieval? And in the love of anything sane, am I really going to do another transfer with yet another doctor.
Am I ready to plunk down my $11,000.00 and face the prospect of failure, but also a glimmer of hope.
You bet I am! Excuse me while I go puke now.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
A two tiered post!
An Afternoon At the Spa
So yesterday Reality and I spent the afternoon at the spa. It was glorious. It was probably the most luxurious pedicure I have ever had, and I have had dozens. I really really love pedicures!
It started with a leather heated, massaging, whirlpool chair. Despite the dozens of pedicures I have had, I had never seen a whirlpool chair before. Always the soak came from a tub of deliciously scented water atop a stool next to the chair. Then we were offered gourmet drinks and a heated neck wrap. It included a paraffin dip and wearing warm electric booties while the paraffin did it's thing. It was heavenly.
That paraffin dip thing was the bomb. I have never had softer feet. I have now been spoiled and no ordinary pedicure will ever be the same again. The results were not bad either, no?
For a cute picture and a story about the background, check out Reality's post.
Since I can't think of any new pregnancy news that hasn't already been celebrated by a toe nail polish change on Gravida Zero's site, I am dedicated my pretty new "tribeca" colored toes to all the ladies cycling in September and October (which ironically includes me and Reality!) I hope this anticipatory toe nail color change brings a great round of positive pregnancy tests in the next couple of months! And for all those who have told me over and over and over again that I just need to relax, (not you on the internet of course) if I get pregnant this cycle I will direct a big F off in their direction if they dare bring up my pedicure as a reason we may have been successful.
Then we invited the husband's and all went out for dinner. We went for sushi thinking that it was light and low fat and wouldn't inflame Reality's already inflamed Gall Bladder. At last, I'm not sure that was so successful. But it was really, really nice to all get together. Reality and her husband are such a great couple and I am really hoping they they get some great news soon. My extraordinarily shy husband really enjoyed meeting them and have already asked what we will do the next time we get together.
My Mother
My mother and I have always been best friends. Well.... maybe not always. I think there was a time when I was 15-18, when I wouldn't have classified her as such and she would have classified me as an alien and asked where her daughter was. But with that rather minor exception we have always been best friends. I share everything with her. Always have, probably always will. We have maintained that friendship despite the fact that I have not lived at home, or even in the same province since I was 18 (14 years now).
Recently things have changed. When Rick and I first started trying we had no reason to believe it wouldn't happen. I come from an extraordinarily fertile family. My mother had 3 children and was on some kind of birth control for each one. She swears she was one of these women who ovulated twice each month because it didn't matter what time of the month she had sex, if she had sex, she seemed to get pregnant.
Now, she was very very young when she was this fertile. She was only 19 when she got pregnant with me (1 broken condom), 21 with my brother (first month of birth control pill), and 25 with my sister (actually taking the birth control bill). After that she sent my father for the old "snip-snip". So who knows if she had waited until she was 28 before she started trying, like I did, if she would have problems.
My dad is one of 10 children and each of the children have at least 2 kids and some more. Nope, no fertility issues in my family. I vaguely knew that it took some couples time, some had to try for a year, gasp! but I really really believed that I would be fertile like my mother. I had no reason not to tell people we were trying. And tell I did. Said stupid ass stuff like, "we are going to start trying in three months" "I can't make plans for next Christmas, I plan to be pregnant by then", or my personal favorite "Dad you better get that stair rail fixed at the cottage, next summer there will be a baby here". Honestly, first of all did I really think a fucking infant was going to crawl through the stair rail and secondly, how could I have been so bloody naive!
I look back on this and all I can think is "Bitch pulease!" or "Fuck I wish I could be that girl again"
At any rate, all this to say my mother was fully aware of our trying, our first consult with the RE, our medicated cycles and timed sex, our IUI's and our IVF.
Somewhere along the way though, I have stopped talking about fertility stuff with my mother. No, actually that is not true. She still knows the facts, she knows when we are cycling. In fact she is the only one who knows that we are doing a fresh IVF cycle this month. But I stopped telling her how hard it is on me.
I'm not sure how or why I stopped. I'm not even sure when it stopped. I think sometime after the first failed IUI.
She obviously knew how upset I was about the miscarriage....for the first couple of days....there was no hiding that. But I didn't share the dark months that followed that miscarriage. I have never told her that I am sure I was clinically depressed in January and February.
As a result of the fact that I no longer tell her about my emotional state (and let's face it, there is no point in pretending I have an emotional life outside infertility), it seems we talk less. Whereas we used to talk 4-5 times a week, we now often go a week or more without talking. It is like we both know that what we talk about now is artificial and often irrelevant.
You can probably guess how much this upsets me. I am crying just typing it.
I am not sure why I stopped sharing with my mother. Probably because I was so sure she wasn't getting it. I mean, how could she, it was so very far from her own experience. She was always very supportive though. No assvice from her. Or if there was I would tell her so and she would immediately apologize and never say it again. I know she knows that this is hard on me because every now and then she will say things like "how are YOU really" or "Honey, I know how hard this must be on you, we are so very worried for you". But I usually pass it off and she doesn't mention again for a while.
It might be that around that time I found blogs. I found a whole community of people who understood my emotions. I have sort of told my mom about blogging. I have told her that I have a group of friend online who are all going through infertility treatments, that we write journals and chat with each other. I'm not worried about her finding me, I don't really believe she knows what a blog is.
But I really miss sharing with my mom.
This morning I called them to say hello and my mom told me that while visiting my grandparents, a cousin that I have not seen since I was 10 or so, pulled her aside and started asking her all about my treatments (all of my family knows that I have gone to a fertility clinic and am doing "whatever it takes" to try to get pregnant). This cousin is 29 and tearfully confessed to my mother that she has been trying for two years with no luck. She told mom that she has ovarian cysts that the doctors are treating but other than that she has had no medical assistance with trying to get pregnant. She hasn't been offered any either. My mom was telling her all about my treatments, clomid, IUI's, IVF, the poor girl had never heard of most of it. You have to realize that she lives in a very rural part of Newfoundland. Even in the bigger city, there is no clinic to do IVF. If you want to do IVF you have to go to a different province. But in the smaller towns I am willing to bet that most of the doctors know squat about even the most basic fertility treatments.
My mom said to me "Krista, I told her as much as I knew about the treatments and the fertility specialists and then I told her that I thought that the hardest part for you was the emotional side and how isolating this was and how there is just no one that you feel comfortable sharing that with". Excuse me while I go sob......
I told her that she was right and that I would like her to get this cousin's email address so that I could email her. I told her that no one should have to go through this without someone to talk too who "gets it". And then we changed the topic.
And now I am upset. I want my old relationship with my mom. I want to call her and tell her not what I am doing but how I feel. But I don't know how.
It is important to me that my mom see me as a strong, independent person. I am the oldest, have always been very responsible and .....
I just don't want her to know how out of control I feel sometimes. I don't want her to know that I am afraid this process has changed the person I used to be and that I might never be able to be that person again. I don't want her to worry about me. Or at least not anymore than she already does. And trust me she would. As much as she thinks she knows how emotionally hard this is, I doubt that she could really even grasp the depth of my emotions on it unless I told her. My mom would give anything for me to have a child. She has said "If I could have one for you I would do that". She means it, and that is quite the statement for someone who had Hyperemesis gravidarum for the whole nine months of each of her pregnancies.
And even if I wanted to tell her, how would I. How do I say "I have been holding back from you", even though I am sure we both know it and feel it acutely.
So many times I have thought about telling her about this blog. About inviting her to read it.
I know if I asked her to keep it secret from everyone else she would. But then I come back to the real question. "Do I really want my mom to know how much this hurts." She can't do anything about it and she would be really, really worried about me. And I know our relationship would change. Right now, I am the child she doesn't worry about. I have a great and happy marriage, am financially secure, and very responsible/capable. If she knew how this shit knocked me on my knees on a regular basis...... Well let's just say, I would no longer be the child she doesn't have to worry about.
I don't know what to do, but today I really really miss my mom and I long for the emotional relationship we once had.
So yesterday Reality and I spent the afternoon at the spa. It was glorious. It was probably the most luxurious pedicure I have ever had, and I have had dozens. I really really love pedicures!
It started with a leather heated, massaging, whirlpool chair. Despite the dozens of pedicures I have had, I had never seen a whirlpool chair before. Always the soak came from a tub of deliciously scented water atop a stool next to the chair. Then we were offered gourmet drinks and a heated neck wrap. It included a paraffin dip and wearing warm electric booties while the paraffin did it's thing. It was heavenly.
That paraffin dip thing was the bomb. I have never had softer feet. I have now been spoiled and no ordinary pedicure will ever be the same again. The results were not bad either, no?
For a cute picture and a story about the background, check out Reality's post.
Since I can't think of any new pregnancy news that hasn't already been celebrated by a toe nail polish change on Gravida Zero's site, I am dedicated my pretty new "tribeca" colored toes to all the ladies cycling in September and October (which ironically includes me and Reality!) I hope this anticipatory toe nail color change brings a great round of positive pregnancy tests in the next couple of months! And for all those who have told me over and over and over again that I just need to relax, (not you on the internet of course) if I get pregnant this cycle I will direct a big F off in their direction if they dare bring up my pedicure as a reason we may have been successful.
Then we invited the husband's and all went out for dinner. We went for sushi thinking that it was light and low fat and wouldn't inflame Reality's already inflamed Gall Bladder. At last, I'm not sure that was so successful. But it was really, really nice to all get together. Reality and her husband are such a great couple and I am really hoping they they get some great news soon. My extraordinarily shy husband really enjoyed meeting them and have already asked what we will do the next time we get together.
My Mother
My mother and I have always been best friends. Well.... maybe not always. I think there was a time when I was 15-18, when I wouldn't have classified her as such and she would have classified me as an alien and asked where her daughter was. But with that rather minor exception we have always been best friends. I share everything with her. Always have, probably always will. We have maintained that friendship despite the fact that I have not lived at home, or even in the same province since I was 18 (14 years now).
Recently things have changed. When Rick and I first started trying we had no reason to believe it wouldn't happen. I come from an extraordinarily fertile family. My mother had 3 children and was on some kind of birth control for each one. She swears she was one of these women who ovulated twice each month because it didn't matter what time of the month she had sex, if she had sex, she seemed to get pregnant.
Now, she was very very young when she was this fertile. She was only 19 when she got pregnant with me (1 broken condom), 21 with my brother (first month of birth control pill), and 25 with my sister (actually taking the birth control bill). After that she sent my father for the old "snip-snip". So who knows if she had waited until she was 28 before she started trying, like I did, if she would have problems.
My dad is one of 10 children and each of the children have at least 2 kids and some more. Nope, no fertility issues in my family. I vaguely knew that it took some couples time, some had to try for a year, gasp! but I really really believed that I would be fertile like my mother. I had no reason not to tell people we were trying. And tell I did. Said stupid ass stuff like, "we are going to start trying in three months" "I can't make plans for next Christmas, I plan to be pregnant by then", or my personal favorite "Dad you better get that stair rail fixed at the cottage, next summer there will be a baby here". Honestly, first of all did I really think a fucking infant was going to crawl through the stair rail and secondly, how could I have been so bloody naive!
I look back on this and all I can think is "Bitch pulease!" or "Fuck I wish I could be that girl again"
At any rate, all this to say my mother was fully aware of our trying, our first consult with the RE, our medicated cycles and timed sex, our IUI's and our IVF.
Somewhere along the way though, I have stopped talking about fertility stuff with my mother. No, actually that is not true. She still knows the facts, she knows when we are cycling. In fact she is the only one who knows that we are doing a fresh IVF cycle this month. But I stopped telling her how hard it is on me.
I'm not sure how or why I stopped. I'm not even sure when it stopped. I think sometime after the first failed IUI.
She obviously knew how upset I was about the miscarriage....for the first couple of days....there was no hiding that. But I didn't share the dark months that followed that miscarriage. I have never told her that I am sure I was clinically depressed in January and February.
As a result of the fact that I no longer tell her about my emotional state (and let's face it, there is no point in pretending I have an emotional life outside infertility), it seems we talk less. Whereas we used to talk 4-5 times a week, we now often go a week or more without talking. It is like we both know that what we talk about now is artificial and often irrelevant.
You can probably guess how much this upsets me. I am crying just typing it.
I am not sure why I stopped sharing with my mother. Probably because I was so sure she wasn't getting it. I mean, how could she, it was so very far from her own experience. She was always very supportive though. No assvice from her. Or if there was I would tell her so and she would immediately apologize and never say it again. I know she knows that this is hard on me because every now and then she will say things like "how are YOU really" or "Honey, I know how hard this must be on you, we are so very worried for you". But I usually pass it off and she doesn't mention again for a while.
It might be that around that time I found blogs. I found a whole community of people who understood my emotions. I have sort of told my mom about blogging. I have told her that I have a group of friend online who are all going through infertility treatments, that we write journals and chat with each other. I'm not worried about her finding me, I don't really believe she knows what a blog is.
But I really miss sharing with my mom.
This morning I called them to say hello and my mom told me that while visiting my grandparents, a cousin that I have not seen since I was 10 or so, pulled her aside and started asking her all about my treatments (all of my family knows that I have gone to a fertility clinic and am doing "whatever it takes" to try to get pregnant). This cousin is 29 and tearfully confessed to my mother that she has been trying for two years with no luck. She told mom that she has ovarian cysts that the doctors are treating but other than that she has had no medical assistance with trying to get pregnant. She hasn't been offered any either. My mom was telling her all about my treatments, clomid, IUI's, IVF, the poor girl had never heard of most of it. You have to realize that she lives in a very rural part of Newfoundland. Even in the bigger city, there is no clinic to do IVF. If you want to do IVF you have to go to a different province. But in the smaller towns I am willing to bet that most of the doctors know squat about even the most basic fertility treatments.
My mom said to me "Krista, I told her as much as I knew about the treatments and the fertility specialists and then I told her that I thought that the hardest part for you was the emotional side and how isolating this was and how there is just no one that you feel comfortable sharing that with". Excuse me while I go sob......
I told her that she was right and that I would like her to get this cousin's email address so that I could email her. I told her that no one should have to go through this without someone to talk too who "gets it". And then we changed the topic.
And now I am upset. I want my old relationship with my mom. I want to call her and tell her not what I am doing but how I feel. But I don't know how.
It is important to me that my mom see me as a strong, independent person. I am the oldest, have always been very responsible and .....
I just don't want her to know how out of control I feel sometimes. I don't want her to know that I am afraid this process has changed the person I used to be and that I might never be able to be that person again. I don't want her to worry about me. Or at least not anymore than she already does. And trust me she would. As much as she thinks she knows how emotionally hard this is, I doubt that she could really even grasp the depth of my emotions on it unless I told her. My mom would give anything for me to have a child. She has said "If I could have one for you I would do that". She means it, and that is quite the statement for someone who had Hyperemesis gravidarum for the whole nine months of each of her pregnancies.
And even if I wanted to tell her, how would I. How do I say "I have been holding back from you", even though I am sure we both know it and feel it acutely.
So many times I have thought about telling her about this blog. About inviting her to read it.
I know if I asked her to keep it secret from everyone else she would. But then I come back to the real question. "Do I really want my mom to know how much this hurts." She can't do anything about it and she would be really, really worried about me. And I know our relationship would change. Right now, I am the child she doesn't worry about. I have a great and happy marriage, am financially secure, and very responsible/capable. If she knew how this shit knocked me on my knees on a regular basis...... Well let's just say, I would no longer be the child she doesn't have to worry about.
I don't know what to do, but today I really really miss my mom and I long for the emotional relationship we once had.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Crisis Averted
Well the email was sent and I wasn't able to recall it but I have managed to avert any crisis so I am ok. Still a little shaken by the whole thing. Client confidentiality is huge and this could have been a major problem for me. Luckily everyone cooperated to ensure that it wasn't such a problem. Technology makes our world much smaller and I am suddenly reminded that I have to be extra double careful when using it in my practise.
On the fertility front there is nothing new to discuss. I am going steady, poking myself each day with Suprefact. I expect that I will start my period on Sunday or Monday and my day 0 appointment is Wednesday.
Then comes stims.
Let the fun begin.
On the fertility front there is nothing new to discuss. I am going steady, poking myself each day with Suprefact. I expect that I will start my period on Sunday or Monday and my day 0 appointment is Wednesday.
Then comes stims.
Let the fun begin.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Please Help Internet Friends!!!!!!
I have made a major error. I need to know if any of you know how to recall an email in Outlook Express. I know how to do it in Outlook but have a sinking feeling it cannot be done in Outlook express. It is very very very important that I recall this email. I know it has not yet been opened.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
All Systems Go
So, we have decided to go ahead with IVF # 2 at our clinic.
I have spoken to my IVF coordinator who assures me that I can be as involved as I want to be in my care. After each blood and wanding I wait to speak to a nurse, she gives me the days stats and usually gives me the dose (although sometimes they will call me with that later). What the IVF coordinator told me was that I see a nurse for convenience, she gets the info from the doctor but since I am paying the big bucks (and it is not being paid by provincial health care) they don't make me wait to see the doctor. However, I can choose to wait and see the doctor any day I want. If I have questions or don't agree with my dose or anything else I just need to ask and sit and wait. Also, if I don't like the answer I get, I can take it up with the director who has agreed to supervise my case.
The supervisor has also agreed that he will do my retrieval and transfer as long as he is not out of town. The IVF coordinator and I agreed that when I go in for my day 0 appointment we will try to time the start of stims so that my retrieval and transfer will most likely be a week day. I have heard great things about this supervisor.
I have decided that it is very important that I am mentally prepared and I should take advantage of this opportunity.
I am so frustrated by these base line numbers (the FSH, antral follicle count, etc). I know they are great, absolutely fucking perfect in fact. And I don't mean to whine about that but really, they were just as fucking perfect last time. And have been just as fucking perfect throughout this whole journey. Rick also has perfect sperm count (or did at least a year ago). His numbers were 120 million whole and about 80 million washed. And yet it has been 3 years, 3 medicated natural cycles, 3 IUI's, 1 IVF, 2 FETs, so much fucking sex and nothing, nada, zippo. I really would like to know what is wrong.
The only thing I can hang my hat on to give me any kind of hope that this time might be different, is that last time my E2 went to hell. It shot up to almost 13,000.00. So I am hoping that a lower dose of stims will keep the E2 in check and we will have different results.
Cause I gotta tell you, passing August 11 (my due date) without another pregnancy was very difficult and it's getting hard to imagine that this journey will have a happy ending.
I'm not Debbie Downer about this cycle though, I'm really not. No need to feel sorry for me. I'm a very good ostrich. Cycle, what cycle. All these shots and dr's appointments .... they are just more of that infertility stuff. Head down, humming loudly .... I haven't even told the old reliables that we are doing a new round of IVF. Why bother, then I don't have to answer any questions .. and when I need to talk, to get it off my chest.... I'll just tell all of you.
I have spoken to my IVF coordinator who assures me that I can be as involved as I want to be in my care. After each blood and wanding I wait to speak to a nurse, she gives me the days stats and usually gives me the dose (although sometimes they will call me with that later). What the IVF coordinator told me was that I see a nurse for convenience, she gets the info from the doctor but since I am paying the big bucks (and it is not being paid by provincial health care) they don't make me wait to see the doctor. However, I can choose to wait and see the doctor any day I want. If I have questions or don't agree with my dose or anything else I just need to ask and sit and wait. Also, if I don't like the answer I get, I can take it up with the director who has agreed to supervise my case.
The supervisor has also agreed that he will do my retrieval and transfer as long as he is not out of town. The IVF coordinator and I agreed that when I go in for my day 0 appointment we will try to time the start of stims so that my retrieval and transfer will most likely be a week day. I have heard great things about this supervisor.
I have decided that it is very important that I am mentally prepared and I should take advantage of this opportunity.
I am so frustrated by these base line numbers (the FSH, antral follicle count, etc). I know they are great, absolutely fucking perfect in fact. And I don't mean to whine about that but really, they were just as fucking perfect last time. And have been just as fucking perfect throughout this whole journey. Rick also has perfect sperm count (or did at least a year ago). His numbers were 120 million whole and about 80 million washed. And yet it has been 3 years, 3 medicated natural cycles, 3 IUI's, 1 IVF, 2 FETs, so much fucking sex and nothing, nada, zippo. I really would like to know what is wrong.
The only thing I can hang my hat on to give me any kind of hope that this time might be different, is that last time my E2 went to hell. It shot up to almost 13,000.00. So I am hoping that a lower dose of stims will keep the E2 in check and we will have different results.
Cause I gotta tell you, passing August 11 (my due date) without another pregnancy was very difficult and it's getting hard to imagine that this journey will have a happy ending.
I'm not Debbie Downer about this cycle though, I'm really not. No need to feel sorry for me. I'm a very good ostrich. Cycle, what cycle. All these shots and dr's appointments .... they are just more of that infertility stuff. Head down, humming loudly .... I haven't even told the old reliables that we are doing a new round of IVF. Why bother, then I don't have to answer any questions .. and when I need to talk, to get it off my chest.... I'll just tell all of you.
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