Turtle, Turtle

For Halloween, Boo was a turtle, and so was his best friend and we were able to go around all afternoon at the park saying "Turtle, Turtle" and we are immature and easily amused and found this ridiculously funny. Here are a few pictures.






























































FET - Well I opted to do the PIO instead of suppositories. Mostly I made this decision because in the past my progesterone has not gone up well on the suppositories but have always made the climb with the IM injections. I have had no reactions.

This time no so much. I have bumps under the injection site, I am red and irritated a good 6 centimeter diameter circle around the area and I am very, very itchy. I made an appointment with my doctor about switching over to the suppositories but she said she was reluctant to do so in mid-cycle. I hesitantly told her that I POAS that morning and got a faint positive so she sent me for an early HCG test and progesterone check.

Results were at 7 days post day 5 transfer a measly 30 HCG and 20 for progesterone (and that's on the frigging IM shots). Anyway it smells like a chemical pregnancy to me but I go back on Sunday for confirmation.


Interestingly, the stick I used the first day was a first response and it was really light, the next day I used another first response and it was much darker but still not dark. Today I was out and had to buy more and bought a different kind which had a sensitivity of 50 instead of 25 and it was again very light and even though I know logically that means it is going up, it still freaked me the hell out.

Hope everyone had a spooky Halloween!

Plunged into the dark ages

Hello out there...... hearing faint echos and noticing things are eerily silent.

So... at the end of September I was plunged suddenly and unexpectedly into the dark ages. The dark ages where there was no computer or Internet connection at home. My computer crashed and because I am still home with Boo with no income, we could not afford to just rush out and replace it right away. I have to tell you it was a very dark, and scary place. I felt alone, isolated and sad. And then my Dad arrived for a visit and fixed my computer!!!!!

The reason my Dad arrived was that I planned a surprise 40th birthday party trip for Rick. I could not post about it here because Rick often reads my blogs and I didn't want to blow the surprise. I took him (and all of my family and his brother, sister-in-law and 2 kids) to Kansas City to see the Chiefs play at Arrowhead. Rick loves the Chiefs. Unfortunately their performance in the last several years and this year in particular has been less than stellar. But we were there for their game against the Denver Bronco's and the Chiefs not only won, they won by a lot, I think the final score was 33-16. Kansas City was absolutely lovely and in the next few days I will try to post some pictures of our trip. Rick had a blast and didn't find out that he was going to KC until we arrived at the airport at departures.

I did a FET this month. I am currently 7 days post a day 5 transfer. The blast was graded fairly highly and survived the thaw and had re-expanded before transfer. I am not technically scheduled for a beta until Thursday but I am bound to pee on several sticks before then.

I want to tell you an amazing story. Jenny the Great read my post about losing my sister and saw the pictures I had included and wanted to do something. She had a painting made of one of the picture and now I have a painting of Caden and Aunt Karen snuggling, sitting on his bookshelf. It was such a thoughtful, kind gift and it still amazes me the support and empathy of this community.

I will take a picture of it and post with my next update.

Political Ramblings

I have a thank-you post coming soon to an anonymous Internet friend who has sent me an amazing gift. I just want to ask her first if she wishes to stay anonymous or if I can thank her publicly.

Let's talk about the upcoming Canadian election for a moment.

It amazes me that the average Canadian seems content to base their opinions on the marketing strategies of advertising agencies.

PEOPLE, you cannot believe what you see on television.

No matter what your political persuasion is, television ads are meant to appeal to a particular group of people on a specific issue. It is sugar coated at best, and an abomination of the truth at the worst.

And you especially can't believe message about one party from another party. Of course they are not being objective, and yes they are allowed to say that on television even if it isn't true. Come on folks. We only have elections every four years (or we would if we would stop electing minority governments). Is it too much to ask to read their platforms, to listen to leadership debates, to attend a few local meetings for 4 weeks once every 4 years.

Steven Harper is running a great marketing campaign. But do you know what he stands for? Do you know what he will do if he gets elected? You've heard that he is a strong leader but do you know where he would lead our country if he had a majority. You know he can wear a sweater and talk about his children to try to appeal to women (a highly influential and coveted voter contingent) and you know that he can bash Dion and his policies. But what about his own policies? What are they? What is his plan to reverse climate change? How does he plan to protect our economy for the recession of our neighbours? How concerned is he about the massive loss of manufacturing jobs in Ontario and what will he do about it?

Stephane Dion is criticized for a carbon tax that will allegedly cost the average person money. But have you read the plan to find out what it's all about. Do you know how it is supposed to help the environment? Did you know that he also has a plan to reduce personal income taxes so that the carbon tax would be cost neutral but could save you money if you found alternatives to fossil fuels.

You can read all about the green shift here

http://www.thegreenshift.ca/default_e.aspx

there is even a calculator that will tell you what your income tax savings would be under the plan. There is a plan for economic development that is not getting much media coverage.

I am a liberal. In previous elections I have been actively involved in campaigning. This year, with everything we have been through, I just don't have the emotional energy to get that involved. I really don't care how people vote as long as they are making informed choices.

But please, we live in a great nation. A nation that is prospering and full of resources and gifts. And because of that, we have the ability to be apathetic. The ability to watch tv ads and think we are informed. In other countries, societies with much lower literacy rates, people don't have the choice to be so blaize. They have to make informed decisions or their lives could be seriously impacted.

Four years is a long time. We can go from a surplus to deficit in 4 years. We can go from reducing our emissions to increasing them in 4 years. We can go from a lack of family doctors and long wait times to an abysmal health care system. We can go from a stable economy to a rescission is much less than 4 years. And the job loss, well in my small part of the world alone there has been thousands of manufacturing jobs lost in the last 4 years, think about what that could do to the local economy if they aren't regained let alone if we lost more.

Think about it. That's all I'm saying. Think about it, read about it, and make an informed vote.

Follow Up

We had already stopped CIO when I wrote the last post.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do next but I knew that CIO wasn't working for Boo.

I have never been a fan of CIO. I believe that babies cry for a reason, and that reason is communication. What they are trying to communicate is a mystery sometimes. And we don't always have an immediate fix, but what we do have, what I have always felt very strongly, is the ability to communicate that we will always be here for you. And Boo has heard that message loud and clear all his short life. And it seems to have paid off. He is very bonded to us and easily reassured by us. If we encourage him to try something new, he is happy to do so, he trusts us. If he falls or squats his fingers or gets frustrated a quick kiss from Mama or Dada can make it right instantaneously. And I'll be damned if I was going to jeopardize that for a bit more sleep. Really, we've been doing without continuous sleep this long. So we've come up with our own method. I am sure CIO works for some kids. And I was prepared to let him cry for a couple of nights if it meant better rest for all of us. It didn't work that way, we all got less sleep instead of more and he hated his bedtime.

We rock him and sing songs in our recliner chair before bed until he is so drowsy he drifts off. But the moment he drifts off we kiss his cheek, tell him good night and put him in bed. This has aroused him every single time. We lay him on his side (his favorite position), put his favorite stuffed animal (a very soft Hippo) in front of him and cover him in his favorite blanket. He usually tries to turn onto his stomach so he can get up but we put our hand on his shoulder and tell him he has to stay in his bed. He sometimes fusses (never for more than a minute or two). And we stay there until he falls asleep. Sometimes he lays there quietly but occasionally looks up to ensure we are still there. Since our last post we have done this for every bedtime and night waking. From the time we put him in his bed until we leave the room is never more than 10 minutes and with minimal crying. And we never leave him alone to cry. It works for us and it seems to be working for Boo. His night wakings have decreased drastically, although they have not been altogether eliminated. Lots of evenings we have heard him wake up, mutter, gather his hippo and his blankie and moan his way back to sleep. Other nights he fully wakes up and we have to go in. So be it. If he cries I will respond. He needs to know that I continue to be here for him. And hey, from the time I leave my bed to the time I return is never more than 15 minutes, so much better that sleeping with him in the recliner chair!

Boo turned 15 months over the long weekend. And just as suddenly it seems his language has exploded. He's been saying Mama, Dada and Hi for ages but suddenly he knows almost all his animal sounds and will rhyme them off for almost anyone. He says ABC (that's it so far) He says "no more" or "all done" when he is done with something (usually food). He says my brother's name and my sister's fiance's name. He says Grandma and Grandpa (although usually he says Pa for Grandpa). He says Hi, Hello, Bye Bye, Kitty, doggie, yeah, yummy, baby, boy, bike, all done, No, No way, bird (he's fascinated with birds), and "I did it". He likes to get praise and I did it is almost always followed by Yay (hands up in the air) and then clapping for himself.

Two weeks ago we actually had a conversation. I had made him a cheese sandwich for lunch which he was happily eating until he saw me wash and cut up his fruit (he is obsessed with fruit). Upon seeing the fruit he started to fuss and called to me "All done Mama". I said, No Boo, you have lots of cheese sandwich left, eat it please. To which he responded "No Way" I said Boo, You don't get fruit until you eat your cheese sandwich, let's go. So he said "No Mama, all done" and refused to eat another bite.

He is learning to jump and it is so hilarious to see him raise one knee in the air, put his hands in the "up" position and then hop on the other foot. He is so proud of himself and this accomplishment always gets the Yay, and self-applause.

He loves his books and will often bring me one after another (up to 5 or 6 at a time) to read to him. He loves to climb and will scale my coffee table with ease, climb all over our couch and gets giddy with excitement at the park where he can easily climb the stairs or the ramp and come down the slide all by himself.

He loves our cats and will often not leave them alone. When I scold him for being too rough he buries his face in their fur and says "ahhhhhh"

He is my little man and I am not sure what I would do without him.

I'll leave you with some pictures and a comment that I have been to the clinic and signed the paper work and paid for a FET. However they will not do anything unless they can get something from my neurologist or neurosurgeon in writing saying it is safe for me to be pregnant. Just so you understand my rant is for self-righteous indignation, my neurologist has no problem with the letter. While I understand this from a legal perspective it makes me very angry. If I could get pregnant on my own, I wouldn't have to ask anyone's permission. And this seems like one less thing I can control in my life. Like punishment for having a brain tumour and a slap in the face about being barren. If they just wanted to protect themselves they could have me sign a waiver. As a lawyer it is not like I could later state I didn't understand the risk

Playing at a nearby water park
















Running through the tall grass at Grandma and Grandpa's Cottage





















Out in boat with Grandpa
















Helping Moma with her much neglected garden (I promise the grass did get mowed later too)
















Playing in the rain after an interupted bike ride

















Playing in a tractor at a friends farm

Sleep training sucks!

I should never have posted that last post. I guess I was hoping that things were going to work themselves out, even though my gut told me this would not work?

Anyone out there have any success with a method other than the modified CIO.


I hate CIO. I hate to hear my son cry and not comfort him. I hate that he goes to sleep upset. I hate that he wakes up upset. I hate that while he now goes to sleep awake and fairly quickly, his sleep habits have gotten worse, not better.


Boo now hates bedtime. Hates it with a passion. Cries his eyes out at the mention of bath times. Starts to throw a temper tantrum when we go up the stairs (even though it is a good 30-40 minutes before bedtime). Cries through his bath, through being dried off, refuses to play or have stories before bed (and this was his, and my favorite time before). Basically after two weeks he is still crying every night although now he only cries 10 minutes or less once he is in his bed, but he cries for a long time before bed, basically through his whole bedtime routine.


And he is waking up more at night. Waking up more and taking a long time to get himself back to sleep, like sometimes up to 45 minutes.


I know it's only been two weeks but people I am not sure I have the emotional strength to keep this going. And the three books I have read on this method all say that significant improvement should happen by day 4 and sleeping should be vastly improved in 2 weeks.


I welcome all advice. But please remember, co-sleeping is not an option (as much as I may want it to be) because I also enjoy sleeping with my husband and he is NOT ok with co-sleeping. And besides, Boo moves so much at night I don't get much sleep that way either.


Before we started CIO a good night looked like this.


Bath - Boo really enjoyed
Drying off and lotion - I did massage with lotion and we played games like this little piggy or round and round a circle. Boo really enjoyed
Play time - 5-10 minutes of quiet play. Blocks or this abacus like bead toy.
Stories - anywhere from 2-5 stories depending on the length
Bottle and asleep in my arms - anywhere from 10-25 minutes


Middle of the night he woke up at 3:00 and I gave him a bottle and he went back to sleep right away.


Unfortunately right before we started CIO he was getting up more than once and sometimes 3-4 times a night, taking a significantly long time to go back to sleep and really wanting to sleep with me.


For the first week I did nothing else except take away his night time bottles. He now gets a bottle before we go up to bath time and if he wakes up during the night I was putting him back to sleep without a bottle. This change didn't seem to faze him at all. He clearly didn't need the night time bottle.

It has now been two weeks on the go to bed awake and the last three nights have been total hell from 6:50 on. So much so that tonight I skipped bath, got him dressed for bed downstairs and then let him fall asleep in my arms.

It is NOT OK for my son to be so upset every night!

I would like him to sleep better but the current situation is worse. I don't want him to hate his bedtime routine. I want him to enjoy his bath and our massages and his playtime and reading. I don't want him unsoothably upset for 45 minutes before bed. I trust my instincts and that just screams wrong. I just don't know what else to do.

The loss of something magical

Boo started out as an angel sleeper. As an infant he would get up every 2.5 to 3 hours to feed and then immediately go back to sleep. By 3 months he was only getting up once a night and by 6 months he was sleeping through. And the best part was that he would go into his crib awake and put himself to sleep.

I prided myself on instilling good sleep habits. I never gave him a bottle right before bed (usually at least 45 minutes before bed) and I started putting him to bed drowsy but awake at an early age.

But.... then he learned to pull himself up to standing. He did it with gusto and pride all over the house, including his bed. The problem was he couldn't get himself down again. So the cycle started. He'd go to bed, before I got down the stairs he would pull himself up and within minutes be screaming because he couldn't get down. I would go in and lay him down and before I closed the door again, he would pull himself back up. I started giving him his bottle right before bed with his lights down and voila he would fall asleep and then I could put him in bed without the 50 curtain calls to lay him back down. I knew it could be a bad habit but I highly value the 2 hours or so I get with my husband in the evening and I didn't want to be still putting the baby to bed when it was my bedtime. In the beginning it seemed to have no ill effects. He still slept through the night.

Then my sister died and our lives turned upside down. We were in a new house for almost a month. He had his own room and his own crib but it was unfamiliar and if I put him in there awake he would cry his "I'm very afraid" cry. I was an emotional wreck and needed to feel a strong connection to him. And to top everything off he got sick. Throwing up and diarreah. Could of been a bug or a stressed reaction of all the changes in his life (new place, very upset mommy, etc)

I started letting sleep with me, sometimes for naps, almost always when he awoke in the middle of the night. I KNOW!!!!!!! I even knew at the time it would come back to bite me in the ass. But the thing is, I needed it. I was very good at being strong when he was awake. After the first 2 weeks I refused to be upset in his presence. But when he slept.... well when he slept the enormity of my loss would hit me like a tonne of bricks and I couldn't control myself. Sleeping with him both kept me from losing it and also focused me on the precious gift I had been given.

And I learned that I love co-sleeping. LOVE IT. I love feeling his breath on my face, or having his back cuddled against my stomach and feeling the rhythm of his breathing. I love that in the deepest sleep if he stirred I could kiss his forehead and he would smile in his sleep. I love that sometimes he would cuddle into me and with his eyes closed and a big smile he would say Mama, as he drifted off to sleep. I loved the smile of anticipation as we headed to bed with his blankie. I found myself taking him to my bed for naps, even when I had no intention of napping, just to be close to him. I am so aware that he is growing at lightning speed. That I will never have this cuddly, affectionate toddler again.

The problem is two-fold. First and foremost, co-sleeping has actually decreased Boo's sleep. He not only wants to sleep in my bed, he wants me to sleep there with him. And I don't want to go to bed at 7:30. And I don't always want to nap for 3 hours in the afternoon. And I don't feel safe leaving him there alone. It is a long way to the floor and no soft surface for him to land. And he is a squirmer, so I am awake a lot at night, even if I can smile adoringly at him during that time period.

The second problem is that co-sleeping is not a legitimate option for Rick. He is a deep sleeper who has often in the past clunked me in the head with an elbow as he violently moves about in his sleep. He is difficult to wake. And he knows that he is a danger to Boo. So he barely sleeps when Boo is in the bed and often moves to a different room when I bring Boo to bed with me.

As a result last week I started sleep training, using the modified CIO method. It sucked but it was effective (sort off). The books suggested that I didn't need to use it at nap time and if Boo awoke in the middle of the night. That once he learned to go to sleep on his own at bedtime that he would automatically use that skill at other times. This however is not the case for Boo. Or perhaps it would have been if I hadn't sabotaged my own effort but rebelling against losing my precious baby time by still napping with him and letting him sleep in the reclining chair with me for long periods of time at night when he woke up.

So I have resulted in making it more difficult for him. He cried for almost 45 minutes the first night, only 24 minutes the second and only 11 minutes the third, subsequently he has cried for 5 minutes or less at bedtime. However, he now wakes up 4-5 times a night.

So tonight I bit the bullet and decided that the modified CIO has also got to be used in the middle of the night. And he has to nap in his crib and go in there awake, even if that means shorter naps for a while. It's what Boo needs. He needs the consistency to get the amount and quality of sleep he needs to continue to develop and grow into the amazing toddler he is becoming.

And really he is a quick study, he awoke and cried. I went in and told him it was bedtime that I loved him and that he had to stay in his bed and sleep. I rubbed his back and said good night. He cried for 3 minutes, whimpered for a minute or so and has been asleep ever since.

I however, have cried for much longer. Because I can't comfort my baby the way I want to. It is my job to be a parent, to teach him the things he needs to know in life, even if those lessons are sometimes hard. I want my son to be a good sleeper. I know that it is incredibly important to his ability to learn and develop. I also want him to be independent, it is also incredibly important and a huge factor in developing self-esteem. But I don't have to like it. And I am going to really miss the magical moments of waking up next to my snuggled in son and breathing in his scent and knowing with 100% certainty that we are both safe and exactly where we want to be.

Stressed!

I am a stress eater.

I do not deny it. In fact, most of the time I am aware that I am stress eating and choose to continue to do so because.. well.. because I am stressed.

I have been this way all my life. But for the most part it has not caused huge weight fluctuations. I have never been skinny or tiny (certainly never had a flat belly) but I have never been overtly overweight either. Because I am short, it only takes an extra 5-7 pounds to change clothing sizes.

Last year when I came home from my brain surgery I was depressed. I was depressed and anxious (bordering on neurotic) and boy did I eat. I gained about 10 pounds and it took most of the winter to get it all off. But since my sister's death I have had absolutely no control. I know what I am doing to myself. I know what a health risk it is. I know that my sister likely died because of her weight and yet I feel powerless to stop myself for reaching whatever I have grabbed.

I have gained a few pounds. More importantly though, I have blown up like a beach ball. It seems that I may have gone back to my pre-pregnancy weight but my skin most certainly did not go back to it's pre-pregnancy elasticity. I have gained less than 10 pounds and look bigger than I ever have in my entire life.

Again I have known this for a while. But it is one thing to know it and quite another to have it in print right in front of your face . A few days ago, my sister-in-law posted this picture to a popular social networking website.

Tonight at 7:30 I am joining Weight.Wat.chers. Because this cannot continue. Especially if I want to try to get pregnant again.

Edited to Add

Tonight's meeting informed me that I have to lose 18 pounds to be my pre- ttc weight (which in fairness was 7-8 years ago) or 14 pounds to the top of the goal weight range, a BMI of 25. My goal is 1 pound per week so I should either be 18 pounds lighter or pregnant by Christmas, any bets on which is more likely to happen first! To make it a fair bet I should tell you that we have already had several opportunities for a suprise, your no longer infertile baby and it hasn't happened. And that I already have an appointment with my clinic for the end of the month but I will have at least one month of re-testing before I can actually do a treatment.