Two years ago today I wrote my very first blog entry. I wasn't exactly new to blogging. I had been reading other peoples blogs for well over a year before I started my own. But I hadn't commented. I left my first comment the night before I started my own blog. Looking back on it, I'm not sure why I waited so long to comment on blogs. I used to think it was because early on I emailed a blogger that I felt I had a connection with and she never emailed me back. Now, I'm not so sure that was the reason. I think I was overwhelmed with the knowledge you all had. Overwhelmed with how opinionated some people were. Overwhelmed with my situation. I think I had a little big of ostrich syndrome. If I don't comment, if I am just an observer, then I don't really belong to this community. I'm having trouble but surely I'm not INFERTILE.
Looking back on it, I wish I had been blogging when I went through my miscarriage. I think I would have recovered more quickly, felt better about myself if I had support from people who had been through it.
When I was trying to conceive, it seemed that life had stopped. It seemed that that part of my life had been there forever. I remember thinking that I had been reading blogs (and then writing my own) for SO long. And now, when I look back on it objectively, 3.5 years. That's not so much in the course of 34 years. Not so much to get the bliss I have now. But then.... then .... well there were times I really wasn't sure I could endure one more day. Really wasn't sure I was going to survive.
So thank you all! Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for helping me through the most difficult part of my life so far. I can't express what a difference it made to me.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tagged and an Update!
My Reality has tagged me. And because I heart My Reality I have happily complied. You may not be happy I complied however, I am a very boring person.
The rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Be sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.
Here goes:
1. Although I love to get dressed up and go out, I am not a glamour girl. Most days I don't "do" my hair or put on make-up if I am running errands, such as grocery shopping or shopping in general. I try to make myself look presentable for church but even that is ify some Sunday mornings. Lot's of days, if Boo and I don't have to go out, we spend the entire day in our PJ's.
2. I am cheap by nature. Although I like my spa days as much as the next girl, I am usually stingy with my money when it comes to consumerism. We only own 1 TV (a 27 inch beast that was bought at Crappy Tire for $200 in 1996) and neither of us have an I-Pod or a lap-top or any of the latest gadgets. Although I sometimes long for these things, when it actually comes to spending the money on them, I choose not to.
3. I am a saver. Boo already has an RESP and a nice bank account (although to be fair most of that came from gifts given to him). I built up some debt to do IVF but re-financed our mortgage last year and paid it all off. Although I am totally psyched about my trip, it freaks me out that we are spending over $10,000 on travel.
4. I make all of Boo's baby food. It's not hard and I love to know exactly what he's eating. Plus, although I shouldn't feel this way, somehow it seems that it is the least I could do given that breastfeeding didn't work out for us. And I don't just make the usual, Boo has had some exotic food (for a baby) and I love knowing that he is eating such a variety of foods early in life. I want him to be exposed to as much as possible.
5. I am a very touch/feely person. I love to snuggle with my husband and my Mommy and my son. I love to give hugs and get hugs. I love to have my hair played with. I am very tactile and I think I have passed that on to my son.
6. I am fiercely loyal to my family. I may complain about them from time to time, but anyone else is ill-advised to do so. I know how lucky I am to have such a close connection to them all and it is the bain of my existence that we live so far apart.
Ok, a quick update on me.
The trip
We are going to Italy for 8 days, to India for 2 days and to France for 6 days. I am so very excited. I would have loved to explore India but I just feel safer exposing Boo as little as possible. He can't have his shots, I have to take all his food and water (which is not easy with the new security restriction on fluids in carry-ons and the propensity to loose your luggage on international flights!) and he is still so small that getting severe diarrhea or vomiting could be very dangerous for him. I know that we will have other chances to explore India when he is older and I feel safer about it. Hopefully the two days will be enough to get a small flavour of the local area and spark my desire and commitment to return. Artblog I would love to take you up on your offer and meet you but I am very cognizant of the fact that you will likely have a 2 month old who is still not sleeping through the night! You may not be up for company.
Our Boy
Boo is amazing. He is crawling and pulling himself up on furniture and racing around the house if you will hold his hands and saying words and eating us out of house and home (well... maybe not but what an appetite). He is a happy, good-natured little boy who loves to play and laugh (and be rough housed. He loves airplane rides and being tumbled around and turned upside down, etc). My one very minor complaint is that he is very dependant on me or his Dad to entertain him. He will only play by himself for short periods without us there. Of course, I know this is my fault as I was so anxious to spend all my time with him, I never allowed him to build his independent play.
My Marriage
Rick and I went through a rough couple of months last spring and summer. He was amazing when I was diagnosed, and terrified. And he was a rock for my family. But once the surgery was over and I was home, he wanted our life back, he wanted his wife back. Which means he wanted my family to leave. I was pissed. I was scared. Scared that I couldn't take care of myself on my own. Scared I couldn't take care of Boo on my own. I had only had brain surgery 7 weeks earlier and I admit, I made my family a crutch. But still, it was my crutch and I was terrified to let it go. It caused a rift between us that took a couple of months to get over. On top of that, it took a while for Rick to get into Boo. As Rick once put it "All he does is sleep, eat and poop, he's not much fun" I was furious about that and the little help he provided unless directly asked. He would come home from work, hold the baby for 20 minutes and then go downstairs to watch TV. As soon as Boo became interactive (at about 3 months or so) it changed immediately and now he is the involved, loving father that I always pictured. In fact, I love to watch Rick and Boo interact. They have such a special bond and Boo lights up the minute Rick comes into the room. I know Rick loves it too. He has admitted to me that he had no idea that having a family could be like this. So all is good with our marriage again, but it was a rough couple of months.
More later, but for right now I have to try to get my house cleaned. Boo has gotten two teeth in the last little while and they are really interrupting his sleep. Even his naps are shorter and he is still so tired when he wakes up. I have taken to napping when he does again, and it is making for one messy assed house! So I will leave you with a few of my favorite more recent Boo shots.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Decisions Decisions
Sadly the lady from my last post, the one who made the inane comment has two children. She is a "career" woman. The kind that had both a day and night nanny and who went back to work after only 2 months. Whatever.... I don't judge her. I just wish she didn't judge me.
Anyway, let's talk decisions.
It is time to book my flight. Rick and I have decided that we want to stop somewhere relatively half way on the way to India and on the way back. At a different point in our lives we would spend the whole three weeks in India exploring. Unfortunately, with an 11 month old, I just don't feel that comfortable. Perhaps if I had more travelling under my belt. Perhaps I am being paranoid for no reason. BUT Boo is too young and too little to have most of the vaccinations. He can't have the Hep A & B shots. He can't have the typhoid shot. He can't take the medication for Cholera and traveller's diarahea. He can take one form of a malaria medication so we will do that. But given the rest, I am just not comfortable keeping him in India for any longer than necessary.
Pity, I would have loved to do this... or this
Alas, I am a wimp and would never forgive myself if I did these things and he got sick because he wasn't properly protected. And since my soon to be sister-in-law is from India, I am hoping I get the chance to go again when he is older and can explore more confidently. Did I mention we are very close, my soon to be sister-in-law and I . I am to be the matron of honour at the wedding. So really, it is likely we will all go together again someday.
Anyway, we don't want to fly direct as this would be a 22 hour trip (including a 3-4 hour stop in Dubai) and we can't imagine doing this with/too Boo. Instead we want to break up the trip by stopping and staying somewhere for close to a week each way.
We are trying to be realistic. We can't expect to cram our days full each day and see as much of the place as possible. I think a realistic schedule would be to be up around 7:30 each morning, have breakfast and see something nearby (a market, or just go for a walk), plan to be back by 11:00 for a good morning nap and then leave again by 1:00 and go for the afternoon (afternoon nap could be in fancy new stroller I have found for our trip. It's this one and if you have experience with it I would love to hear it, I haven't actually bought it yet!) Then we would have to be back to our hotel again by 7:00 or so, so that Boo could have some downtime and a good nights sleep.
My boy is an angel and is very happy even when overtired but he does not sleep well in new places so sleeping while travelling is going to be a challenge even with a good routine.
So here are our options. If you have any ideas on whether any one of these would accomodate our structured schedule I would love to hear them. Rick and I haven't left North America so we have no idea!
London
Manchester
Frankfurt
Paris
Rome
Zurich
Anyway, let's talk decisions.
It is time to book my flight. Rick and I have decided that we want to stop somewhere relatively half way on the way to India and on the way back. At a different point in our lives we would spend the whole three weeks in India exploring. Unfortunately, with an 11 month old, I just don't feel that comfortable. Perhaps if I had more travelling under my belt. Perhaps I am being paranoid for no reason. BUT Boo is too young and too little to have most of the vaccinations. He can't have the Hep A & B shots. He can't have the typhoid shot. He can't take the medication for Cholera and traveller's diarahea. He can take one form of a malaria medication so we will do that. But given the rest, I am just not comfortable keeping him in India for any longer than necessary.
Pity, I would have loved to do this... or this
Alas, I am a wimp and would never forgive myself if I did these things and he got sick because he wasn't properly protected. And since my soon to be sister-in-law is from India, I am hoping I get the chance to go again when he is older and can explore more confidently. Did I mention we are very close, my soon to be sister-in-law and I . I am to be the matron of honour at the wedding. So really, it is likely we will all go together again someday.
Anyway, we don't want to fly direct as this would be a 22 hour trip (including a 3-4 hour stop in Dubai) and we can't imagine doing this with/too Boo. Instead we want to break up the trip by stopping and staying somewhere for close to a week each way.
We are trying to be realistic. We can't expect to cram our days full each day and see as much of the place as possible. I think a realistic schedule would be to be up around 7:30 each morning, have breakfast and see something nearby (a market, or just go for a walk), plan to be back by 11:00 for a good morning nap and then leave again by 1:00 and go for the afternoon (afternoon nap could be in fancy new stroller I have found for our trip. It's this one and if you have experience with it I would love to hear it, I haven't actually bought it yet!) Then we would have to be back to our hotel again by 7:00 or so, so that Boo could have some downtime and a good nights sleep.
My boy is an angel and is very happy even when overtired but he does not sleep well in new places so sleeping while travelling is going to be a challenge even with a good routine.
So here are our options. If you have any ideas on whether any one of these would accomodate our structured schedule I would love to hear them. Rick and I haven't left North America so we have no idea!
London
Manchester
Frankfurt
Paris
Rome
Zurich
Friday, February 08, 2008
If You Only Knew
Recently I had lunch with a friend. A friend I don't know that well and only know through my past work. Who knows me only as a professional. As a somewhat ambitious professional. After our conversation it struck me how little she really knows me.
If you knew that I have wanted to be a Mommy for as long as I can remember
If you knew that when I was 7 my little sister was born and after that whenever I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I answered a Mommy.
If you knew that the only thing that got me through law school was my full time nannying job and knowing that when I graduated I could start my family.
If you knew that when I finally did first start "trying" I would dream of what my family would be like.
If you knew how I cried every month when I got my period.
If you knew how much hope I had when I finally went to see a fertility specialist.
If you knew how I cried every month when I got my period.
If you knew how disempowering fertility treatment was for me.
If you knew how painful it was to go through a miscarriage.
If you knew how gradually my dreams and my hope died.
If you knew how emotional I became and how I questioned whether I could ever be myself again.
If you knew how much time and effort and money I spent on conceiving this little boy.
If you knew that when he was born I was so sick I wasn't sure I would live to see him grow up.
If you knew that because of him, I was strong enough to get better in record time.
If you knew that even now, when I look into his eyes, I weep because I know how very lucky I am.
If you knew how happy he makes me.
If you knew that in all my life I have never felt more fulfilled.
If you knew that suddenly my dreams and hope are alive again.
If you only knew that I consider this to be the most important job I have ever done, then maybe you wouldn't have said "Your not going to come back to work, won't you miss doing something meaningful in your life" when I told you that for now, I am happy to stay home and raise my son.
If you knew that I have wanted to be a Mommy for as long as I can remember
If you knew that when I was 7 my little sister was born and after that whenever I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I answered a Mommy.
If you knew that the only thing that got me through law school was my full time nannying job and knowing that when I graduated I could start my family.
If you knew that when I finally did first start "trying" I would dream of what my family would be like.
If you knew how I cried every month when I got my period.
If you knew how much hope I had when I finally went to see a fertility specialist.
If you knew how I cried every month when I got my period.
If you knew how disempowering fertility treatment was for me.
If you knew how painful it was to go through a miscarriage.
If you knew how gradually my dreams and my hope died.
If you knew how emotional I became and how I questioned whether I could ever be myself again.
If you knew how much time and effort and money I spent on conceiving this little boy.
If you knew that when he was born I was so sick I wasn't sure I would live to see him grow up.
If you knew that because of him, I was strong enough to get better in record time.
If you knew that even now, when I look into his eyes, I weep because I know how very lucky I am.
If you knew how happy he makes me.
If you knew that in all my life I have never felt more fulfilled.
If you knew that suddenly my dreams and hope are alive again.
If you only knew that I consider this to be the most important job I have ever done, then maybe you wouldn't have said "Your not going to come back to work, won't you miss doing something meaningful in your life" when I told you that for now, I am happy to stay home and raise my son.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Warning - Happy Shiny Post Below
Despite all the apologies for not posting and the promise to post more, I still find it hard to come here and write happy things. It feels wrong. It feels hurtful. I know, logically, that you all know that I have a child. And I know, logically, that having wanted that child so badly, you would expect me to be enjoying him. But still to write about it, it just seems to be to rub it in the face of those who haven't achieved it yet.
But the fact of that matter is, as I have now proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am very happy. So happy that if I wait for something else to post about, I just don't post. And anyway, I'm sure at this point no one reads this blog because I have all but disappeared... so here it is.
I am not happy I am infertile. I do not think that it has made me a better Mommy. But it has made me cherish every moment of my baby's life in a way I'm not sure I would have otherwise. And cherish it I am.
Boo and I are having an absolute blast. We play outside, we go to lunch, we have playdates with other kids, we go to swimming. It is fantastic. Everything I wanted it to be and more.
It is crazy how fast he grows and develops. In the last two months he has learned to:
say MaMa - which of course melted my heart, even though in the beginning he would only say it when he was upset.
eat all kinds of solid foods - he has eaten sweet potato's, green peas, carrots, squash, grean beans, tomato's, prunes, pears, mango's, applesauce, banana's, apricots, blueberries, honeydew melon, cereal, chicken, beef and pasta. On the weekend I let him suck the juice out of an orange slice while I held it. He loved it!
Say Dada and then Daddy - which made his Daddy so happy. Boo gets so excited when his Daddy comes home from work. He wiggles and squirms and screams until Rick picks him up. Rick has been gone for the last 4 days on a work trip and I can't wait until he gets home, partly to see Boo's reaction.
Say Hi and Yum (when I introduced him to tomato - his new favorite food)
Go under the water at swimming. He does this several times each time we are there and routinely goes down the slide and plops into the water before I "catch" him and bring him back up. He loves it.
Pull himself up on one of his toys all by himself.
Wave bye-bye and giggle his little head off because he thinks bye-bye is incredibly funny.
And get his first tooth, without me even noticing. A friend was declaring that her son would probably be 1 before he got a tooth because at 10 months he showed no signs of one whatsoever. I said, yeah Boo neither and then impulsively stuck my finger in his mouth only to get bitten. I have no idea when that tooth broke through the gum, but I know it couldn't have bothered him too much because he certainly had not been fussy.
He cracks me up almost every day. I love watching him, even when he is being stubborn. I love to see his independance develop, almost as much as I love cuddling him just after his bottle when he is tired but not yet quite ready to say good bye to the day.
This is the Baptism outfit I made him. We waited and had him baptized at home when all our family could celebrate it with us.
His first glimpse of the Christmas tree.
The second is while we were playing a rousing game of peek a boo. He loves to anticipate when I am going to pop back up again and is often craning his neck and shrieking waiting for me to reappear.
This one was taken while we were out to lunch to celebrate my birthday, just a couple of weeks ago. The sweetest birthday ever, even though I just turned 34.
In this picture Boo is "helping" me with the laundry. I love this picture because he looks very shy, which is just so not true and a completely different perpective for me.
Ahh.. my heart overflows just looking at these pictures and I have seen them a dozen times. Goodness but I love this kid.
Anyway, about my amazing trip.
We are going to India. And yes I know I have to be careful. I have researched and debated this ad nauseum. My brother is getting married in India in May and we have decided to go and to take Boo. It is not a decision I have made lightly and I have done and will do everything in my power to keep him safe. If you have advice about this, I would love to hear it. If you want to lecture me about taking him, please don't. I will probably delete it as I really don't have a good alternative other than not to attend my brother's wedding.
We are not going to fly directly to India, which would be approximately 20 hours of travel time, so I am currently researching where I want to spend almost a week on the way there and on the way back, any suggestions?
But the fact of that matter is, as I have now proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am very happy. So happy that if I wait for something else to post about, I just don't post. And anyway, I'm sure at this point no one reads this blog because I have all but disappeared... so here it is.
I am not happy I am infertile. I do not think that it has made me a better Mommy. But it has made me cherish every moment of my baby's life in a way I'm not sure I would have otherwise. And cherish it I am.
Boo and I are having an absolute blast. We play outside, we go to lunch, we have playdates with other kids, we go to swimming. It is fantastic. Everything I wanted it to be and more.
It is crazy how fast he grows and develops. In the last two months he has learned to:
say MaMa - which of course melted my heart, even though in the beginning he would only say it when he was upset.
eat all kinds of solid foods - he has eaten sweet potato's, green peas, carrots, squash, grean beans, tomato's, prunes, pears, mango's, applesauce, banana's, apricots, blueberries, honeydew melon, cereal, chicken, beef and pasta. On the weekend I let him suck the juice out of an orange slice while I held it. He loved it!
Say Dada and then Daddy - which made his Daddy so happy. Boo gets so excited when his Daddy comes home from work. He wiggles and squirms and screams until Rick picks him up. Rick has been gone for the last 4 days on a work trip and I can't wait until he gets home, partly to see Boo's reaction.
Say Hi and Yum (when I introduced him to tomato - his new favorite food)
Go under the water at swimming. He does this several times each time we are there and routinely goes down the slide and plops into the water before I "catch" him and bring him back up. He loves it.
Pull himself up on one of his toys all by himself.
Wave bye-bye and giggle his little head off because he thinks bye-bye is incredibly funny.
And get his first tooth, without me even noticing. A friend was declaring that her son would probably be 1 before he got a tooth because at 10 months he showed no signs of one whatsoever. I said, yeah Boo neither and then impulsively stuck my finger in his mouth only to get bitten. I have no idea when that tooth broke through the gum, but I know it couldn't have bothered him too much because he certainly had not been fussy.
He cracks me up almost every day. I love watching him, even when he is being stubborn. I love to see his independance develop, almost as much as I love cuddling him just after his bottle when he is tired but not yet quite ready to say good bye to the day.
This is the Baptism outfit I made him. We waited and had him baptized at home when all our family could celebrate it with us.
His first glimpse of the Christmas tree.
The second is while we were playing a rousing game of peek a boo. He loves to anticipate when I am going to pop back up again and is often craning his neck and shrieking waiting for me to reappear.
This one was taken while we were out to lunch to celebrate my birthday, just a couple of weeks ago. The sweetest birthday ever, even though I just turned 34.
In this picture Boo is "helping" me with the laundry. I love this picture because he looks very shy, which is just so not true and a completely different perpective for me.
Ahh.. my heart overflows just looking at these pictures and I have seen them a dozen times. Goodness but I love this kid.
Anyway, about my amazing trip.
We are going to India. And yes I know I have to be careful. I have researched and debated this ad nauseum. My brother is getting married in India in May and we have decided to go and to take Boo. It is not a decision I have made lightly and I have done and will do everything in my power to keep him safe. If you have advice about this, I would love to hear it. If you want to lecture me about taking him, please don't. I will probably delete it as I really don't have a good alternative other than not to attend my brother's wedding.
We are not going to fly directly to India, which would be approximately 20 hours of travel time, so I am currently researching where I want to spend almost a week on the way there and on the way back, any suggestions?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Where has all the months gone?
Honestly, I don't really understand how fast time seems to be moving lately.
Why is it that whey I was trying to get pregnant and barely making it through some days, time dragged on, day after day. sometimes moment after moment.
And now, when I have my hearts desire. When I am cherising every moment and my days are filled with giggles and playing and kisses and "Moma", time seems to move at the speed of light. Like we have moved into some special epsiode of star trek where we have gone through a black hole into a paralell universe and there are now only 52 days in a year.
Anyway. Life is pretty darn fantastic right now and I will tell you all about it, and about my amazing, exotic upcoming vacation as soon as I get through all your blogs.
To be fair to me, I was at home for a month at Christmas without internet access.
Why is it that whey I was trying to get pregnant and barely making it through some days, time dragged on, day after day. sometimes moment after moment.
And now, when I have my hearts desire. When I am cherising every moment and my days are filled with giggles and playing and kisses and "Moma", time seems to move at the speed of light. Like we have moved into some special epsiode of star trek where we have gone through a black hole into a paralell universe and there are now only 52 days in a year.
Anyway. Life is pretty darn fantastic right now and I will tell you all about it, and about my amazing, exotic upcoming vacation as soon as I get through all your blogs.
To be fair to me, I was at home for a month at Christmas without internet access.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Faith
I am a very spiritual person. I don't always talk about my faith here, or even in my real life with people who don't know me very well. But it is always there, in the background, making up who I am.
When I struggled with infertility it didn't rock my faith. It didn't because I don't believe that God is directly responsible for what goes on in our daily life. Let me explain that. I don't believe that God was responsible for me getting pregnant or not getting pregnant. How could I believe that. I believe God gives us strength. He/she makes up much of our character. He/she gives us tools which we can then use or waste as we choose. I cannot and have not ever been able to believe that God controls our actions or the things that happens to us. If that were so I would have to hold God responsible for people getting cancer, for terrible things happening to children, for the fact that some of us live in spendor while others can't find enough food or water.
So perhaps in order to reconcile those awful things that happen in the world, I have come to believe that God works through us not to us. I believe God and my faith make up much of who I am. I have been given many gifts. I am intelligent, logical and compassionate. It is up to me to make the most of those gifts. To be the best person I can be to honour what I have been given. I used my intelligence and logical thinking to get a very good education. I was lucky and born into a fantastic family. They instilled in my a sense of self confidence and self esteem. As a result of all of that I was able to confidently go into a carreer that allowed me to make very good mony.
With that money I have been able to do some good. We contribute significantly to our church, including their mission and services fund. I have sponsored child in Zimbabwe for approximately 10 years now (he is almost 16 and doing very well in school these days!) I support the United Way and some other local charities. I also volunteer my time and expertise with both pro-bono legal work to families that cannot afford representation and to various committies in the community. I think it is important to give back. It is part of my faith. If God grants you gifts, you have a responsibility in my eyes to use that gift to also help others.
So when I wasn't able to get pregnant I didn't blame God, quite the opposite. I attended retreats. I prayed. I pray a lot anyway (sort of like a continous coversation -albeit very onesided, throughout the day) I asked for patience and the strength to continue enjoying my life while I waited for the one thing I wanted most.
But we all know that faith isn't always logical. When I was diagnosed with the brain tumour I was scared. I was 36.5 weeks pregnant. I had learned to trust in the pregnancy and had really enjoyed it for about 4 months. I was desparate to deliver my son before the illness (I couldn't eat, had been hooked up to an IV for almost a week and was very, very sick) or the drugs I had to take could harm him in anyway. And then he was here.
And he was like magic. Like a miracle far greater than I had even dared to imagine. And I was angry. So very, very angry. I couldn't even look at him without thinking that I wanted him so very much, waited for him for so very long and now I might not get to raise him, to see him grow up, to help him explore the gifts God had granted him and become the self-confident young man I knew was within him. I needed someone to be angry with and I chose God. It wasn't logical. I wasn't capable of being logical at that point. I was angry. I didn't understand why God had given me this immense yearning to be a parent and then jeopordize my ability to do the job. He doesn't follow with my beliefs. If God didn't cause my infertility, and doesn't cause cancer or any of the other awful things that happen, he surely didn't give me a brain tumour. But as I said, I was so angry and needed a target.
I didn't pray. Not once in the 7 days between his birth and my surgery. I didn't ask for strength, or a good recovery, or offer thanks for my fantastic family who had dropped everything (every one of them) and spend tons of money and potentially jeopordized their carreers and travelled to where I was. I blamed. I asked why? Why me? Why now? Just why?
I recovered fantastically from my C-section. As soon as Boo was delivered I felt immensely better. With the placenta and the hormones gone, I stopped vomitting, the headache disappeared and I felt better than I had in a month. 24 hours later the catheter was removed (had been there for almost a week because I wasn't able to walk) and I was able to get up. Straight. And walk.
I went home and other than some balance issues from the tumour I felt fantastic. I also recovered really quicly from the brain surgery (relatively speaking). The neuro surgeon had told me that a good outcome would be that I would be home from the hospital (laying carefully in my own bed instead) in 5-7 days. My neurologist had told me to be realistic, that it might not be that quick, but that if I wasn't home in 5 days she would agree to transfer me to the local hospital (so that my son could visit me easily) and she would follow my recovery instead of the surgeon. Well I was home in 2 days! Mind you, I spent a good deal of time in bed. But the day after I got home I went for a 5 minute walk outside, and gradually increased it every day.
But did I say thank you. Thank you for giving me the strength to get through this. The strength to focus on my son and prioritize so that I could spend as much time as possible. No, I was still angry, still raw.
And now I am so ashamed of that. I drew so much strength from God during my infertility. The whole church supported me. I was on prayer lists and I recieved a prayer shawl. For some reason my hyperlink isn't working. This is the link http://www.shawlministry.com/
My prayer shawl was made with colours chosen specifically because of their symbol of fertility and as each square was made, prayers were offered that I would become a parent.
I am so glad that God has broad shoulders and a lot of forgiveness. I'd like to believe that he/she knows that I needed someone to be angry with and took on the role readily. Still, it makes me feel better to acknowledge publicly that I am thankful. Thankful for my miracle, thankful for the health it took to get through this intact, thankful that I have no permanent deficits from the tumour.
But mostly, I am thankful that I now have a whole new perspective on life. I am enjoying my son every minute of every day. I don't plan to go back to work at the end of the year. I am not sure how long I will stay home (not permanently) but I will be home with him while he is little.
And now I will pray for strength once again. For the strength to live my life without fear. For the strength to someday soon start trying for another.
And I pray in thanks, for oh so much in my life.
You will have to excuse the typos in this post. It has been very emotional writing and I don't have the energy to go back and re-read it to correct typo's.
When I struggled with infertility it didn't rock my faith. It didn't because I don't believe that God is directly responsible for what goes on in our daily life. Let me explain that. I don't believe that God was responsible for me getting pregnant or not getting pregnant. How could I believe that. I believe God gives us strength. He/she makes up much of our character. He/she gives us tools which we can then use or waste as we choose. I cannot and have not ever been able to believe that God controls our actions or the things that happens to us. If that were so I would have to hold God responsible for people getting cancer, for terrible things happening to children, for the fact that some of us live in spendor while others can't find enough food or water.
So perhaps in order to reconcile those awful things that happen in the world, I have come to believe that God works through us not to us. I believe God and my faith make up much of who I am. I have been given many gifts. I am intelligent, logical and compassionate. It is up to me to make the most of those gifts. To be the best person I can be to honour what I have been given. I used my intelligence and logical thinking to get a very good education. I was lucky and born into a fantastic family. They instilled in my a sense of self confidence and self esteem. As a result of all of that I was able to confidently go into a carreer that allowed me to make very good mony.
With that money I have been able to do some good. We contribute significantly to our church, including their mission and services fund. I have sponsored child in Zimbabwe for approximately 10 years now (he is almost 16 and doing very well in school these days!) I support the United Way and some other local charities. I also volunteer my time and expertise with both pro-bono legal work to families that cannot afford representation and to various committies in the community. I think it is important to give back. It is part of my faith. If God grants you gifts, you have a responsibility in my eyes to use that gift to also help others.
So when I wasn't able to get pregnant I didn't blame God, quite the opposite. I attended retreats. I prayed. I pray a lot anyway (sort of like a continous coversation -albeit very onesided, throughout the day) I asked for patience and the strength to continue enjoying my life while I waited for the one thing I wanted most.
But we all know that faith isn't always logical. When I was diagnosed with the brain tumour I was scared. I was 36.5 weeks pregnant. I had learned to trust in the pregnancy and had really enjoyed it for about 4 months. I was desparate to deliver my son before the illness (I couldn't eat, had been hooked up to an IV for almost a week and was very, very sick) or the drugs I had to take could harm him in anyway. And then he was here.
And he was like magic. Like a miracle far greater than I had even dared to imagine. And I was angry. So very, very angry. I couldn't even look at him without thinking that I wanted him so very much, waited for him for so very long and now I might not get to raise him, to see him grow up, to help him explore the gifts God had granted him and become the self-confident young man I knew was within him. I needed someone to be angry with and I chose God. It wasn't logical. I wasn't capable of being logical at that point. I was angry. I didn't understand why God had given me this immense yearning to be a parent and then jeopordize my ability to do the job. He doesn't follow with my beliefs. If God didn't cause my infertility, and doesn't cause cancer or any of the other awful things that happen, he surely didn't give me a brain tumour. But as I said, I was so angry and needed a target.
I didn't pray. Not once in the 7 days between his birth and my surgery. I didn't ask for strength, or a good recovery, or offer thanks for my fantastic family who had dropped everything (every one of them) and spend tons of money and potentially jeopordized their carreers and travelled to where I was. I blamed. I asked why? Why me? Why now? Just why?
I recovered fantastically from my C-section. As soon as Boo was delivered I felt immensely better. With the placenta and the hormones gone, I stopped vomitting, the headache disappeared and I felt better than I had in a month. 24 hours later the catheter was removed (had been there for almost a week because I wasn't able to walk) and I was able to get up. Straight. And walk.
I went home and other than some balance issues from the tumour I felt fantastic. I also recovered really quicly from the brain surgery (relatively speaking). The neuro surgeon had told me that a good outcome would be that I would be home from the hospital (laying carefully in my own bed instead) in 5-7 days. My neurologist had told me to be realistic, that it might not be that quick, but that if I wasn't home in 5 days she would agree to transfer me to the local hospital (so that my son could visit me easily) and she would follow my recovery instead of the surgeon. Well I was home in 2 days! Mind you, I spent a good deal of time in bed. But the day after I got home I went for a 5 minute walk outside, and gradually increased it every day.
But did I say thank you. Thank you for giving me the strength to get through this. The strength to focus on my son and prioritize so that I could spend as much time as possible. No, I was still angry, still raw.
And now I am so ashamed of that. I drew so much strength from God during my infertility. The whole church supported me. I was on prayer lists and I recieved a prayer shawl. For some reason my hyperlink isn't working. This is the link http://www.shawlministry.com/
My prayer shawl was made with colours chosen specifically because of their symbol of fertility and as each square was made, prayers were offered that I would become a parent.
I am so glad that God has broad shoulders and a lot of forgiveness. I'd like to believe that he/she knows that I needed someone to be angry with and took on the role readily. Still, it makes me feel better to acknowledge publicly that I am thankful. Thankful for my miracle, thankful for the health it took to get through this intact, thankful that I have no permanent deficits from the tumour.
But mostly, I am thankful that I now have a whole new perspective on life. I am enjoying my son every minute of every day. I don't plan to go back to work at the end of the year. I am not sure how long I will stay home (not permanently) but I will be home with him while he is little.
And now I will pray for strength once again. For the strength to live my life without fear. For the strength to someday soon start trying for another.
And I pray in thanks, for oh so much in my life.
You will have to excuse the typos in this post. It has been very emotional writing and I don't have the energy to go back and re-read it to correct typo's.
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