I seem to have a hard time lately thinking or talking about infertility. I am being a complete ostrich and it is kind of nice.
Of course that is about to come to a close.
August 30th is CD 21 and the day I start supression. Assuming I get my period on time, CD 1 will be September 11th - bit of a suspicious start don't you think?
And that's how I feel about this cycle.... suspicious. Not really hopeful, not really negative either. Like there is a little voice inside of me that would like to believe there's a chance and since I don't want to shut her up but I know the heartache she may cause, I keep stuffing her deep down inside so it's harder and harder to hear her. And then she sounds so far away and strange it is easy for me to think "who is this moron....doesn't she know the truth....has she learned nothing" and I go eat my breakfast.
And I've gotten to the point where I can no longer picture being pregnant or bringing home a baby with any kind of clarity. I can dream about it....and I do. But I can't see it in my mind's eye. When I daydream it is with words. I daydream about a June baby, just in time for summer's warmth and summer's visitors. I daydream about buying a stroller and a sling and finally having my baby with me all the time. But I can no longer make those daydreams into picutres. I can no longer see my baby or imagine that it will really happen.
These days it is more like a fanciful, out-of-reach daydream and I don't really believe it can happen.....as much as I may want it to.
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I hope they always stay this close!
11 comments:
Oh Krista -- I have SO been there. Even now, as hopeful as I am about this FET, the actual imagining being pregnant and having a baby is impossible - it's all theoretical. Bottom line: you are not alone.
And because it's easier to keep fervent hope for others, I want you to know that I am hoping REALLY hard for you.
I can completely relate to the feeling of daydreaming about a baby, but never actually seeing yourself in that daydream.
I truly can't see myself with a baby, even though I want it more than anything I've ever wanted before. I think there is a mental block on that image until I see the double pink lines or get that BFP phone call, and even then, it will take a while for those daydreams to have me present in them.
But I will hope for you as much as I hope for me... and will be rooting you on along the way!
I think we are having the same daydreams. For me it is more of a wish list of how I would like for things to be, but I don't know that I will ever get what I want. I hold on to the fact that someday, somehow, I will be a mother. I may never get pregnant, but I will have someone call me Mom. Enjoy the next few days before your cycle starts. If you want to chat before next week, you know where to find me.
I so know what you mean Krista. I am in the same place right now. I can't imagine us ever having a baby.
I am so hoping that this next cycle is the one. Hugs.
I also understand those little voices. It really is like having a good angel on shoulder of "Yes, you will be okay" and then a little devil on the other one saying "Who are you fooling? It'll never happen" I have decided to just notice both and continue to go for what I want until I run out of steam.
The thing that came to mind about Sept 11th is a saying I heard at church almost a year ago (it has been a long time since my last visit)...the quote was "life interrupts, death interrupts, and then life interrupts again". So, Sept 11th has been famous for interrupting with death. I will hope for you that it is time for the next part of the cycle for new life (in you) to interrupt.
I hope that this cycle goes fast for you, it is so frustrating, and I am not sure what is worse, having hope, or not having hope. No matter how you go about it a BFN sucks, and a BFP is awesome... I don't think anything changes that.
I am hoping that this cycle goes well and you are blessed with your miracle.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this.
Take care and sending a big hug your way.
Oh Krista...hang in there...it is never easy. Sending you a big HUG!
I hope this is it for you. I've been there - hope is hard. Serenity is right - it's easier to hope for others.
I so know this feeling - that all this effort is a somewhat academic exercise. We are all caught in that cycle of hope and despair. Try not to fret too hard about the 11 Sept date. A friend of mine's daughter was born that day. They named her Samia, which means Hope in Arabic. That day doesnt't need to poison everything for ever. I hope that your 11 Sept is a day of hope for you, too.
I love reading a post that has me nodding my head & humming "Ah-huh I know exactly what you mean".
This was such a post Krista. The vision of actually having & holding my own baby has blurred into mist. A fanciful daydream completely.
Thanks sweetie, for making me less alone.
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