Today is CD 2 and I have decided to cycle this month with my old clinic. Thank you all for your advice and support. Ultimately what most of you said was what I felt in my heart... that statistics (success rates) aren't worth the paper their printed on. Or in this case the memory they take up.
I know ART isn't an exact science. I like the fact that my doctor is prepared to admit that. I like the fact that she will listen to my questions or about what I have learned outside (mostly from you) and agree or disagree but not ridicule or condescend. I like that she is ready to admit that perhaps last time wasn't as perfect as she initially thought and I like that she is going for quality over quantity.
In the end I guess, I am not convinced that in my case, being 32 years old with no known problem other than some PCOS tendencies, that a slightly better quality doctor, lab, embryologist, etc would make that significant a difference.
The bitchy nurses, well they ain't seen nothing yet. I am making it my resolution not to feel intimidated by them or guilty for demanding to know information they would prefer not to give. They can be bitchy all they want, I will get the information or I will sit and wait to speak to a doctor.
What this whole discussion has done is make me think of the support I have in this community. I came across blogs completely by accident. I was on a commuter train one evening and a slightly pregnant young woman sat down beside me. Since I was a newbie infertile (in fact, I think at that point I wasn't even convinced I was infertile) I was not bitter at all at her pregnant belly. We started talking and when I told her that I didn't have kids but I was "trying" she confessed that she had had difficulty conceiving and got pregnant on an injectible IUI cycle after several failed clomid IUI cycles. She asked me if I read fertility related blogs and I was all like "Blogs???? What the hell are blogs?" So she told me to go home and read Chez Miscarriage. That night I logged on and found getupgrrl. Now by that time, getupgrrl already knew her surrogate was pregnant. By the time I found her site she was already on the way out so to speak, but my god do I owe that woman. I never met her, I never emailed her, I never even commented on her blog (cause you know there were already like 800 people commenting on there, who would notice). But instantly I felt differently about my lack of baby status. I felt less alone, less isolated, less like a freak.
When getupgrrl started posting less and less, I started visiting blogs she had linked on her sidebar. I found people that made me think, people that made me laugh and people who were just like me. I read their lives in private for months and months. Suddenly one day I realized that I thought these people were my friends, that I was emotionally connected to them so I started to comment and within a week of commenting I started my own blog. Within weeks many of the people I had been reading for months were writing comments on my blog.
I understand that getupgrrl wrote a lot of posts before she got a single commenter. I understand that getupgrrl was instrumental in creating blogworld. So I owe her a debt of gratitude because I belong to a community where people understand me, where I can always get support and where I have created friends. And you will never know how much that means to me (well....actually, you might).
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I hope they always stay this close!
15 comments:
Hi Krista, I saw your comment on Jenny's blog and saw you are also from Southern Ontario. I live just outside of Toronto. I have read through a few of your posts, and I believe we may actually be going to the same clinic. You mentioned your doctor, a female, who was on maternity leave last September. I do believe she is the partner with my doctor. I would love to know if I am right because we are about to start an IVF cycle in September or October and would like the opportunity to talk to someone who has done IVF there (if in fact it is the same clinic.) I wish you all of the luck in the world for this cycle for you.
My Reality - I went to your site but didn't see an email address. I didn't want to post this on your blog in case it was too identifying. I go to ISIS fertility clinic in north Mississaga. I would love to chat with you about it. It would be really nice to know someone cycling at the same time at the same time. You can email me at onedayatatime@cogeco.ca. From there I can give you whatever info you want, including my phone number if you would like to chat or meet in real life.
oops, meant at the same time at the same clinic
Hi Krista, I am still reading your archives and I knew we went to the same clinic and I was just about to send you an email, so check it in a few minutes!
Krista - I came too late to ever read getupgrrl's blog unfortunately. I'm sure we all have a funny story about how we came to blogging; it's funny how we become so intertwined in one another's lives, even people on the other side of the world. And it's all so much by chance.
It's quite intense when you think about it.
Krista -
I am glad that you decided what route to take. I so hope that you find success there. Sometimes the extra added stress of changing clinics and any other "extra" work that goes with it might negate any positives. So, I am glad you're going with your heart.
I agree about my blogger buddies. I learned blogging to teach it to my students and it has literally saved me emotionally more times than I can count. I too feel so much more normal because of all of you.
I am glad that you are finding some support in blog world. There truly is a wonderful and supportive bunch of women out there.
Take care and good luck!
I love the network of friends that I have made in the blogosphere. I am so glad that you are finding love and support here.
Loved your post - wish I had had "blogger world" when we were going through the infertility dance. So happy to have it now we are adopting from China. It has been 7 years since we seriously "started" to try to build a family and I really appreciated reading your story.
The bloggy friends have become more a part of my life than I ever would have imagined.
Congratulations for going underway again, and for the mental resolve to not let the bitches intimidate you. When you're in the thick of the hormone manipulation, remember us rooting for you whenever you need to make scary confrontations. It's more difficult sometimes to be assertive when we're hormonal. GOOD LUCK!!!
your post was so touching. I love blogworld too, it has been my second home for over two years... It is amazing that there are so many people that understand... the women i have met along the way have changed me forever.
I am glad you are doing another cycle at your old clinic. I never came back and posted, because as much as I thought about it, I still didn't have advise.
It is amazing the kind of support I get from blogworld...I don't think I could do this journey with them! I am so glad you are finding the same thing. Thinking of you!
Good luck. I know what you mean about finding a community - a community that knows where you are - and where you are desperately trying to go. I understand staying at the same clinic. I have. I probably will continue to do so.
I feel the SAME way - my world without my blogfriends would be a grey one indeed...
I am hoping for very good things for you, krista!!! Here's to sticking with a good doctor who you trust.
It's funny, I had almost the same journey to blogs that you did. I had kept a livejournal for years but it was just for family and friends. Now I can't imagine a world without blogging!
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