To Fret or Not to Fret

I swear. A lot. I use fuck mostly, because it adequately describes the strength of my anguish/anger/disgust/despair. I figure if I am upset enough to swear it might as well convey the right message.

But I don't use religious terminology when I swear. I go to church. I believe in God. I pray. And I don't believe that God has anything to do with whether or not I actually get pregnant at any given moment or treatment so I have no reason to be angry with him/her, I just look for comfort.

Today, however I held nothing back when I swore.

Today is cycle day 21. My doctor prefers a long cycle when doing IVF. On cd21 you start suppression medication (her preference is Suprefact). On day 0 (any day within first week of your period - the appointment is booked ahead of time so it is often slightly after the first day of your period) you do ultrasound and blood work to check for suppression and then you start stims. Stims usually go 2 weeks and then retrieval and transfer.

Generally you are supposed to have your "set up" appointment in advance of day 21. However, my IVF nurse was on vacation last week and I wasn't able to get an appointment with her before she went. Neither of us were terribly concerned about that as this was my 2nd IVF and I know what to expect.

So my appointment today went something like this:

Me: How was my day 3 blood results (I forgot to call in for them)
Her: Great (give you the details later)
Us: small talk and signing consents
Her: So you will probably start stimming mid-September. Dr. Comforting will be gone by then.

>>>>>>>>>>>Silence so loud it hurts your ears<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


Her: Oh no, you don't know! Dr. Comforting is on maternity leave. She is scheduled for a C section on September 12



>>>>>>>>>>>>a lot more silence<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Her: I would have thought Dr. Comforting would have told you when you saw her in July
Me: Can you please leave us alone for a few minutes

Ok people, lest you think that I am being overly bitter, please remember that I have not yet done a fresh IVF cycle with my doctor because for my last cycle in October 2005 she was on maternity leave! In fact her 1st child was born sometime late September, early October 2005. You do the math. Never mind, the math has been in my head all fucking day. 2-3 months!!!!

She was pregnant within 2-3 months of giving birth.

Also remember that I seriously considered leaving this clinic and decided to stay because lovely Dr. Comforting convince me in July that I should try again. That there were things we could do differently and that she believed we would get pregnant.

And maybe you are all wondering how the hell I didn't notice that she was 7 months pregnant at the time! Well first of all let me tell you that Dr. Comforting never really lost her first pregnancy weight (well as it turns out she probably did and just turned it into 2nd pregnancy weight but who the hell knew) and second she was wearing a lab coat and sat behind a desk for 90% of the visit.

So, if I cycle in September it will not be with Dr. Comforting. The current system in place to cover her maternity is that the doctor in that day will review the blood and ultrasound results and decide the dosage. A different doctor every day to decide the dosage. Doctors who will have benefit of my file in front of them but will probably never read it. Doctors who don't know me and will be seeing me in addition to their own patients. Doctors who probably won't be wanting to "argue" with me about how my cycle should go.

In addition the director of the clinic, who is also head of obstectrics at one of the local hospitals, will supervise her patients and be the "deciding vote" if anything unusual is going on.

So. you see why I had to ask the IVF nurse to give me a few minutes while I quickly turned to my husband and said many many many bad words. Because why in the love of God does nothing ever go smoothly. Why I am faced with this information on fucking day 21 when my choice is to take the supression injection right fucking now or not and not cycle this month. And why do infertiles have to face fertility everywhere, even at their infertility clinic??????

For those of you wondering my stats on Day 3 were:

FSH - 4.8
LH - 2.4
E2 - 134? (I wrote down 134 but I remembered it being over 200 - not sure why?)
PRL - 18.3 (not sure what that is)
TSH - 1.92 (don't know what this is either)

Antral Follicles - 12 on the right and 17 on the left.

In the space of 15 minutes I realized that if I don't cycle at this clinic there will be no cycling this month. That no matter if I stay at this clinic or go elsewhere I will have a new doctor this cycle. And that I was not capable of making these decisions while I was still in shock. I got the shot, bought the $80 bottle of Suprefact and told the IVF nurse that I was not paying my IVF fees until day 0. That I would probably still cycle this month but that if in a couple days I was changing my mind I would stop taking the Suprefact and call and let her know.

I am mentally prepared for IVF this month. I have also not booked one single court appearance, negotiation meeting or client meeting for the two week period during which I would be finishing stims, doing retrieval or transfer.

So question is to fret or not to fret? Do I cancel or roll with the punches and keep going?