No pregnancy symptoms over here. Other than extreme tiredness (and frankly I have always been one who could appreciate an afternoon nap) I feel nothing.
And at this point I have no way of knowing if I really am still pregnant. No way of knowing until next Tuesday.
I have been completely unsuccessful in my bid to try to be positive about making it to the next step. I cannot utter a positive thought without qualifying it. Given all this treatment and that the only successful cycle ended in a chemical pregnancy, I have no reason to believe this will be any different. I know logically that it is different, that our initial beta was higher than any beta we've ever had before. That we have doubled several times now and our last beta was quite high. That we were able to see something on the ultrasound. But despite all this, when I picture going in next week for my ultrasound I imagine being told that the sacks have not grown.... that they still measure less than 5 weeks. I just can't help it. Really... I try to think more positively. And I know that if things don't work I won't be less devastated because I predicted it. I just can't make myself believe it.
This insecurity seems to have manifested itself in my dreams. You see, I have never, ever doubted my ability to be a great parent. I have loved children since I was a teenager. I babysat through junior high and high school, I spent countless hours with much younger cousins and I nannied full time while I went to university. My last nanny position lasted for 2 and 1/2 years. When I started it was with 5 month old twins and a 3 year old. Those twins are now 10 and the eldest about to turn 13. Until I moved I had them over for weekend sleepover's about 1 every month or so. Since I moved 2 years ago I have gone back to visit (and stay when their parents are out of town) at least 5 times. They have come to see me once.
I know that I will make mistakes, I know there is no such thing as the perfect parent. But I also know that I am no novice and I never wonder if I will can do it.
Until last night... when I dreamt that I gave birth suddenly, at home, to twins on Christmas day. In what was the easiest delivery in history, I pushed the kids out without the assistance of any medical provider, quickly handed them to Rick, bloody and all, and went to bed to rest. The next day I got up and went to work.
Suddenly, it was 5:00 pm and Rick and I were arriving at home (ironically in the hallway of an Condo building when we actually live in a detached home) and met our neighbour as he was going into his door. He told me the babies cried all day. I looked at Rick and said "who did you get to take care of them?" He said, "I thought you were going to arrange that" I said "but I left the house first, did you just leave them here? and then we rushed inside, to find a note from the Children's Aid Society that they had apprehended our babies because we had left them home alone and the neighbours had complained.
I woke up at that point and I was very, very disturbed. I woke up Rick, who had very little interest in my dream other than to say "if you delivered at Christmas the babies wouldn't make it" and then went back to sleep. But I have been disturbed all day.
I'm not sure what the dreams represents. Will I be a more insecure mother than I thought? or am I that concerned about a twin pregnancy? That's possible, I am only 5'1 and 130 lbs and have been told by my doctor that a multiple pregnancy would be difficult because I am so little in there. It all seems odd. And very concerning. And makes me not particularly anxious to go back to sleep, despite how very tired I am.
I hope they always stay this close!
12 comments:
Dreams can really mess with us.
I hope that things go well and in the coming months you can find some hope and maybe even some happy anticipation.
I've heard some women say that they will take each day as it comes, and enjoy it while they can. I'm envious of that. I really hope that there will be a time in the future when you will have been pregnant for so long that you find yourself having days like that.
I was so where you are now after my last BFP. It's natural, it's normal, it doesn't make it any less disconcerting. Hopefully with each hurdle crossed you'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief and the possibility will turn into probability. And then hopefully your dreams will become more normal (but probably not!)
I am sorry that you are feeling this way, dreams can be very scary and distrubing. Not having pregnancy symptoms can be scary too, lets just hope that you are one of the lucky ones... i hope that time passes by fast so you can make sure that everything is okay. I wish their was someway that us as mothers could make sure that everything was okay with our baby all the time and we wouldn't have to wait for someone to tell us.
I think the dream might have been because you feel distant from the babies because you are feeling so unsure about everything. Don't think that you are questioning being a good parent, you know you are going to be.
We had those dreams too. I think everyone does. I still have them, and Buggins is 2.
I believe the dream represents your reaction to one global truth: having kids is scary business. No matter how hard it was to get pregnant, and stay pregnant, realizing that you are, or are going to be, the sole caregivers of other humans is scary business. I'd worry more if you DIDN'T have those dreams.
Hang in there.
I think Smarshyboy is dead on.
FWIW, I am almost 16 weeks and my pregnancy symptoms are still almost non existant. If it wasn't for food aversion and missed menstruation, I wouldn't know. My clothes still aren't in the least bit tight.
Hang in there Krista.
I think your dream just reflects your anxiety, not any form of reality. I think you will be a wonderful parent with no need to worry.
As for anxiety over pregnancy, if you ever figure out how to overcome that I hope you'll tell the rest of us. :-) Hang in there, chickie.
Ugh, dreams are so scary during this time, last night I had a dream I was Marilyn Manson and it scared me, next I was in Anna Nicole's house shooting at people trying to get dishes from the 5th floor, then I was bleeding vaginally, that scared me more than the Marilyn Manson thing. Anyways, I was just at my doc yesterday and she said symptoms don't show up until your hcg reaches 80,000 typically.
Hang in there. thinking of you.
I can imagine that anxiety, but try not to let the dreams bother you too much, they often don't mean what they seem to indicate on the surface, no matter how troubling they are.
Hoping very hard for you.
Man, I have had some messed up nightmares the past two nights too - last night I was crushed in a car by a cement truck. Freaky.
BUT - I'll bet the anxiety you are feeling during the day is manifesting itself in your dreams. You are in a nerve-wracking time of your pregnancy right now - the very beginning. It's totally normal to qualify and be totally freaked out.
Hoping SO very hard for you, hon... I can't wait to hear the good news next Tuesday.
i never had any symptoms either, krista. as creepy as it is, it doesn't have to be a bad sign. Get used to those dreams, girl. you're really pregnant and they don't get any better. I have at least one freaky dream every night. Last night, motorcycle riding with an infant riding behind me (don't ask... i don't know!)
It's true that we all have dreams like that, I think they show the contrary to the dream itself, the fact that you worry about the twins in that way, shows you to have good maternal instincts not bad ones, to worry about them shows you care about them. I always take these dreams with a pinch of salt, too confusing otherwise.
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