There have been several questions posed in my comments. For some reason it never occurred to me to post a comment and answer the questions right away, although I have seen others do so and thought it was really neat. Anywho....
Several of you asked about shared risk programs and whether I had considered that option seeing as how my last IVF and ensuing FET's had gone tits up. As far as I know there are no shared risk programs at Canadian Fertility Clinics. I have checked at my clinic and the other clinics that I know of in Ontario. I have also researched several other clinics in Canada but have not found such a program. If any of my Canadian readers know of such a program, please let me know.
The closest US city to me is Buffalo but the research I have done on their infertility clinics (and I admit it is all web based) seems to suggest that they don't have the best facilities. The closest recommended US fertility clinic to me is in Rochester. http://www.cnyfertility.com/costs.html They charge $20,000.00 (currently $22,500.00 Canadian currency) for their shared risk program. 6 fresh IVF cycles and unlimited FET (if you qualify for the program) in 2 years. If it doesn't work, you get all of your money back. This does not include medication. Most of the clinics here in Canada charge around $5,000.00 for IVF and this includes all the consultations, blood work, ultrasounds etc. It also does not include medication. So in Canada 6 cycles would cost $24,000.00 but I would not get my money back if it did not work. The question, outside of am I prepared to do 6 cycles and how much of a gambler am I, is "am I willing to drive 2 and 1/2 hours for treatment. I mean that doesn't sound like a long drive but you all know how often you have to go to the clinic during an active cycle. Every day for at least 10 days. I would be driving a minimum of 5 hours each of those days. And driving that much when I am very emotional. Just not sure that's smart.
Someone else asked the question about whether my insurance would cover my water damage. No it doesn't. The water poured in through an old window. My policy says it will not cover the cost of repairs if the problem was in existence at the time the policy was put in place (or the cost of ongoing maintenance to ensure such problems do not arise). The window is probably 30 years old - we should have checked it and had it replaced when we moved in. They would cover damage to any of my contents as a result of the water damage. However we didn't have any. The basement is unfinished. We use it as storage and although I am not always so smart, I had the foresight to put almost everything into plastic rubbermaid storage containers.
But as it turns out, it might not cost as much to fix this mess as originally feared. We spent about $300 on various items like a shop vac (to suck up the water), caulking (to temporarily keep any water outside until the window could be replaced, bleach and various other cleaning supplies (to ensure there is no mould growth), etc. The two contractors that have been here to give me quotes have both agreed that nothing major needs to be done to the basement floor. They say it will cost between $600 - $1000 to replace the window and probably $3000 - $4000 to fix the basement floor and replace the wooden support wall that has some rot (and should have alerted us to previous water problems!). That is doable and in fact some of it, like replacing the window, we could do ourselves and save some money.
Inspired by Manuela, http://manuela.blogs.com/thin_pink_line/ , I had lots and lots of baby making sex this month. You girls know that after you progress from sex to IUI to IVF, you have very little faith that something as primitive as sex could get you pregnant. But, it is not a urban legend, not some myth made up 20,000 years ago to give hope to the barren. Manuela is pregnant and has the pictures to prove it. And she got pregnant in between treatment by.... gasp... having sex! Anyway, it is also not a success story for everyone because on CD 32 I am most definitely not pregnant and I am pretty sure I ovulated on CD 20 so it was not too early to test.
So now I am left deciding what to do. I should be staring my period in the next day or two. Once that happens I could get things rolling on a 2nd fresh IVF cycle. I simply go in for day 3 blood work and ultrasound and then on day 21 start suppression (Suprefact)... approximately 8-10 days later I would be staring stims.
Those of you who have read from the beginning will know that I am not enamored with my current IVF clinic. I love my doctor but I do not get to see her all the time and some of the nurses are sweet and some are bitches. The clinics success rates are average, 35% success for women under 35. Success is defined by the presence of a heartbeat at 6 weeks.
The new doctor I went to for a 2nd opinion posts a success rate of 51% for women between 30-35 but success is defined as pregnancy - positive beta. Having been there and no baby to show for it, I don't consider that very fucking successful.
The fertility centre I considered in Calgary posts a success rate of 55%. But again this success rate is listed as "pregnancy rate". Although it is not specified, my guess is that this means positive beta's.
I do not think that I could compare a 35% success of getting people to the point of a beating heart (where I know things can still go wrong but at that point is a lot less likely) to 55% success of getting a positive beta (cause we all know that those fuckers don't always double or keep doubling).
So, what to do. I have read your stories, so I know that I can get bitchy nurses at whichever clinic I go to. My doctor is a very positive woman. She explains things (although sometimes has to be prodded for details like #'s) and seems to believe that she can get us pregnant yet. She tells us that we have been so close (2 chemical) and that we just have to create the right circumstances. Her newest theory is that we should decrease the dose of stims to ensure I don't overstimulate (last time made 32 antral follicles and retrieved 19 mature eggs) and see if we can grow fewer eggs over a longer time period (last time I was slow to start developing but once I did they were mature in approx 5 days).
She says things like "you make great eggs, he has great sperm, you make perfect embryo's, we just need to get that lining as thick and cushy as we can and maybe the lower level of estrogen (last time mine went up to 12,000) will make the environment nicer for them to stick around. Don't give up, I can't guarantee anything but I believe we will get you pregnant yet."
So I am left deciding. I like my doctor. I like that she knows my cervix and very rarely has problems with it anymore (not a statement I can make for new doctors). I did get pregnant the first time. At least 15-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Maybe that won't happen again.
Or maybe... I should change clinics, get out of Dodge, find a new protocol and a change of scenery. Maybe I should suck up the drive and go to the shared risk program in the States.
Please feel free to offer advice or assvice.
Also, I had a great weekend camping. I will post about it, with pictures once I get some work done.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Friday, August 04, 2006
It's a long weekend and I'm going camping!
Yay!!! My husband and I love to camp. LOVE LOVE LOVE to camp. We have done lots of campground camping but mostly we love wilderness/back country camping. We usually choose canoe/portage over backpacking but whatever, we just love back country camping.
Anyway, we have not gone camping in 3 years, since we moved to Ontario. Partly because we have been ttc and never wanted to go away if I was in the middle of a cycle or possibly pregnant and partly because we spend our vacation time going to Newfoundland and it is hard to camp for just a long weekend and partly because Ontario has predatory bears. I am not joking. Predatory bears is no laughing matter. Now anytime you go into the back country you take your chances of running into a bear. As outdoors people you know what you should do. There is always the chance that you will somehow run into a bear and make it feel cornered, or run into it with cubs and that would be dangerous. But for the most part, bears are as scared of us as we are of them and they just turn and run the other way as soon as they hear us coming or as soon as we give them the opportunity. Rick and I have actually seen bears while camping but never had an "encounter". We've seen them on the shore from our canoe or we've seen them swimming while we are canoing. Once we saw one at 10:00 am leaving the very island we had slept on the night before. However, none of these sightings scared us. In fact it only validated my theory that they are as scared of us as we are of them. In my experience, bears always go the other way. So as long as you don't leave food, or the smell of food, around your campsite you should have no problems with bears.
BUT.... big, big but. When bears make predatory attacks, it means they have lost their fear of humans. It is not that they were cornered or felt threatened. But that they hunted the humans. That they picked up their scent, circled around, followed them for a while and then attacked, for no good reason. This is common in grisly bears but we don't have grisly bears in Ontario. What we have had is a handful (and only a handful) of black bears who have made predatory attacks in the last 10 years. BUT PEOPLE. I mean really. I am not going into the back country to have a 600 lb animal stalk and try to hunt me. I have to draw my line in the sand somewhere and I draw it at camping with predatory bears.
My brother is also an avid camper (My Dad was a teacher and later with the School Board and had the summer off, we would camp the entire summer, from end of June until late August - ever year). However, my brother's girlfriend has never, ever camped. She was born in India and immigrated to Ireland when she was 11 and then to Canada when she was 15. She is the most wonderful person and I can't wait to take her camping. So we all agreed that our first trip should be campground camping. Ease her in gradually and then we will try a short canoe camping trip (with only 1 or 2 portages).
So we are going here http://nysparks.state.ny.us/parks/info.asp?parkID=105 and I am amazed by how excited I am. Hiking and swimming and exploring and campfires and smores (OMG SMORES!) I just cannot wait.
I'll tell you all about it when I get back.
Anyway, we have not gone camping in 3 years, since we moved to Ontario. Partly because we have been ttc and never wanted to go away if I was in the middle of a cycle or possibly pregnant and partly because we spend our vacation time going to Newfoundland and it is hard to camp for just a long weekend and partly because Ontario has predatory bears. I am not joking. Predatory bears is no laughing matter. Now anytime you go into the back country you take your chances of running into a bear. As outdoors people you know what you should do. There is always the chance that you will somehow run into a bear and make it feel cornered, or run into it with cubs and that would be dangerous. But for the most part, bears are as scared of us as we are of them and they just turn and run the other way as soon as they hear us coming or as soon as we give them the opportunity. Rick and I have actually seen bears while camping but never had an "encounter". We've seen them on the shore from our canoe or we've seen them swimming while we are canoing. Once we saw one at 10:00 am leaving the very island we had slept on the night before. However, none of these sightings scared us. In fact it only validated my theory that they are as scared of us as we are of them. In my experience, bears always go the other way. So as long as you don't leave food, or the smell of food, around your campsite you should have no problems with bears.
BUT.... big, big but. When bears make predatory attacks, it means they have lost their fear of humans. It is not that they were cornered or felt threatened. But that they hunted the humans. That they picked up their scent, circled around, followed them for a while and then attacked, for no good reason. This is common in grisly bears but we don't have grisly bears in Ontario. What we have had is a handful (and only a handful) of black bears who have made predatory attacks in the last 10 years. BUT PEOPLE. I mean really. I am not going into the back country to have a 600 lb animal stalk and try to hunt me. I have to draw my line in the sand somewhere and I draw it at camping with predatory bears.
My brother is also an avid camper (My Dad was a teacher and later with the School Board and had the summer off, we would camp the entire summer, from end of June until late August - ever year). However, my brother's girlfriend has never, ever camped. She was born in India and immigrated to Ireland when she was 11 and then to Canada when she was 15. She is the most wonderful person and I can't wait to take her camping. So we all agreed that our first trip should be campground camping. Ease her in gradually and then we will try a short canoe camping trip (with only 1 or 2 portages).
So we are going here http://nysparks.state.ny.us/parks/info.asp?parkID=105 and I am amazed by how excited I am. Hiking and swimming and exploring and campfires and smores (OMG SMORES!) I just cannot wait.
I'll tell you all about it when I get back.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Why we cancelled our weekend away
1. Because having a waterfall in your house is not nearly as appealing as you would think.
2. Because this is not what I had in mind when I said I like to see ripples in the water.
3. Because if no one is home, who will be squigy boy?
4. Because this was what we were doing at 5:00 am and that would make me very cranky by 8:00 pm.
Oh Yeah, after 3 weeks of crazy heat wave and humidity (temperatures in the low 30's Celsius(low 90's Fahrenheit) and humidex of 40 Celsius (approximately 104 Fahrenheit). We now have had 2 straight weeks of rain and last night's 3rd daily pounding thundering storm unleashed our own little rainforest in the basement. It not only came in through the window in torrents but it also came up through several cracks in the basement floor. We have lived in this house for 2 years and this has never happened before.
I am calling a contractor today but how much do you want to bet this little unexpected renovation project will be over $10,000.00.
2. Because this is not what I had in mind when I said I like to see ripples in the water.
3. Because if no one is home, who will be squigy boy?
4. Because this was what we were doing at 5:00 am and that would make me very cranky by 8:00 pm.
Oh Yeah, after 3 weeks of crazy heat wave and humidity (temperatures in the low 30's Celsius(low 90's Fahrenheit) and humidex of 40 Celsius (approximately 104 Fahrenheit). We now have had 2 straight weeks of rain and last night's 3rd daily pounding thundering storm unleashed our own little rainforest in the basement. It not only came in through the window in torrents but it also came up through several cracks in the basement floor. We have lived in this house for 2 years and this has never happened before.
I am calling a contractor today but how much do you want to bet this little unexpected renovation project will be over $10,000.00.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
When trying is trying
Several months ago I told Rick I needed a plan. I needed to know when this would be over and we would move on. At that point I was ready to move to adoption but Rick wanted to keep trying. We agreed that we would use up the frozen embryo's (likely 2 more transfers) and do IVF once more but if not pregnant by January 2007 we would start the adoption process.
After our last BFN from the frozen transfer Rick and I had this conversation:
Rick: Maybe we should start discussing adoption now
Krista: starts crying hysterically
Rick: (Very concerned) But I thought you wanted to adopt
Krista: I did... I do... more crying hysterically
Rick: What's wrong?
Krista: I'm not ready to accept that I will never have a baby. That I will never feel my growing belly, feel a baby kick, give birth, breast feed. I'm not ready to give up on that dream.
Rick: Ok, how many more treatments should we do?
Krista: As many as it takes?
Rick: Huh?
Krista: As many as it takes to either get pregnant or until I feel ready to move on
Rick: Any idea how many that might be?
Krista: Nope
Rick: But these treatments are really expensive
Krista: Yeah, but we have the money
Rick: Yeah but that means we are not spending it on anything else. I would like to travel, take relaxing vacations, have a golf membership. How many years might you want to spend all our money on treatments
Krista: Well... I'm not sure. I'm only 32, I feel that's too early to give up. I don't know when I might give up but probably I won't go past 40 (after all I started when I was 28).
Rick: Gulp
A couple of days ago I overheard this conversation between Rick and a friend who knows about our infertility:
Friend: My boy is only 12 years old and I've already spent $23,000.00 on a college savings plan
Rick: I've spent over $23,000.00 on a kid that doesn't exist
Friend: Shit!
On Monday I had my first single visit with our doctor. Rick has gone to every other doctor's appointment (not all the blood tests and stuff). However, he just started a new job and had some important meetings. She recomended we do a fresh invitro cycle. When I got home and explained it to Rick we had a conversation that went like this:
Krista: Dr. Optamistic thinks we should do a fresh cycle
Rick: Did you tell her we no longer have fertility drug coverage
Krista: No - why would she care
Rick: You realize that it's now going to cost us $10,000
Krista: Yup - adoption would cost between $20,000 to $30,0000
Rick: Yeah but then we would actually get a baby - your way we might spend $50,000 more in treatment and still spend $30,000 to adopt a baby
Krista: (With very little else to say and tired of talking about money) Yeah but how much would you pay for the possibility of having our own of these?
Rick: Sigh......... Yeah ok
So it appears we are doing another fresh cycle. I am currently on cd 18 so once I get my period I will schedule a day 3 blood and wanding and then on cd 21 we will start supression and then start stimulation on cd1. Looks like retrieval will be sometime around the end of September. Doc Optamistic wants to cut back my stimulant this time to attempt to develop less follicles and allow them to grow more slowly.
Here we go again.
After our last BFN from the frozen transfer Rick and I had this conversation:
Rick: Maybe we should start discussing adoption now
Krista: starts crying hysterically
Rick: (Very concerned) But I thought you wanted to adopt
Krista: I did... I do... more crying hysterically
Rick: What's wrong?
Krista: I'm not ready to accept that I will never have a baby. That I will never feel my growing belly, feel a baby kick, give birth, breast feed. I'm not ready to give up on that dream.
Rick: Ok, how many more treatments should we do?
Krista: As many as it takes?
Rick: Huh?
Krista: As many as it takes to either get pregnant or until I feel ready to move on
Rick: Any idea how many that might be?
Krista: Nope
Rick: But these treatments are really expensive
Krista: Yeah, but we have the money
Rick: Yeah but that means we are not spending it on anything else. I would like to travel, take relaxing vacations, have a golf membership. How many years might you want to spend all our money on treatments
Krista: Well... I'm not sure. I'm only 32, I feel that's too early to give up. I don't know when I might give up but probably I won't go past 40 (after all I started when I was 28).
Rick: Gulp
A couple of days ago I overheard this conversation between Rick and a friend who knows about our infertility:
Friend: My boy is only 12 years old and I've already spent $23,000.00 on a college savings plan
Rick: I've spent over $23,000.00 on a kid that doesn't exist
Friend: Shit!
On Monday I had my first single visit with our doctor. Rick has gone to every other doctor's appointment (not all the blood tests and stuff). However, he just started a new job and had some important meetings. She recomended we do a fresh invitro cycle. When I got home and explained it to Rick we had a conversation that went like this:
Krista: Dr. Optamistic thinks we should do a fresh cycle
Rick: Did you tell her we no longer have fertility drug coverage
Krista: No - why would she care
Rick: You realize that it's now going to cost us $10,000
Krista: Yup - adoption would cost between $20,000 to $30,0000
Rick: Yeah but then we would actually get a baby - your way we might spend $50,000 more in treatment and still spend $30,000 to adopt a baby
Krista: (With very little else to say and tired of talking about money) Yeah but how much would you pay for the possibility of having our own of these?
Rick: Sigh......... Yeah ok
So it appears we are doing another fresh cycle. I am currently on cd 18 so once I get my period I will schedule a day 3 blood and wanding and then on cd 21 we will start supression and then start stimulation on cd1. Looks like retrieval will be sometime around the end of September. Doc Optamistic wants to cut back my stimulant this time to attempt to develop less follicles and allow them to grow more slowly.
Here we go again.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Because it's time to move on
I don't really have anything to say right now but I am really tired of looking at that depressing last post. So I am going to cheat and provide you with some pictures of my vacation.
This is my adorable nephew and the new swing set we gave him for his birthday. I don't have his mommy's permission to post this picture but since I have never told you his name or her name, I think it will be ok.
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This is the gorgeous itsy-bitsy community that will be my sister's first teaching post.
And this is her school!
And this is a picture of my toes, freshly painted as light a colour as I could find in my stash in honour of Manuela's news. Manuela I am so very, very happy about your gravid condition. As soon as you will permit the C word I will shout it from the roof tops. And thanks! Thanks for inspiring sex again! What a wonderful, antiquated way to get pregnant!
This is my adorable nephew and the new swing set we gave him for his birthday. I don't have his mommy's permission to post this picture but since I have never told you his name or her name, I think it will be ok.
nu=326;>:<3>::2>WSNRCG=323395<87;555nu0mrj.0.jpg">
This is the gorgeous itsy-bitsy community that will be my sister's first teaching post.
And this is her school!
And this is a picture of my toes, freshly painted as light a colour as I could find in my stash in honour of Manuela's news. Manuela I am so very, very happy about your gravid condition. As soon as you will permit the C word I will shout it from the roof tops. And thanks! Thanks for inspiring sex again! What a wonderful, antiquated way to get pregnant!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
I'm Back
Well some months just suck shit. I saw two lines for three days (well really two days and one day with a magnifying glass) but by the time I got my beta done it was under ten. Of course my beta was 3 days late because of a series of events that could easily become a movie plot - an infertile woman on vacation denied the pleasure of drinking her face off because she has to continue metformin and PIO until her beta but the hospital blood lab (the only lab in town) closes for 5 consecutive days due to various holidays, water pipe failures and lack of electricity. By day 19 post day 5 transfer woman drives 4 hours to get beta because she needs a drink that bad!
The day we got home my sister-in-law, who also struggled with infertility and miscarriage, but who now has a gorgeous one year old, found out her mother had a brain tumour. No worries, the tumour was a very common benign tumour that they surgically remove all the time. Surgery happend 5 days ago. Surgery went perfectly. They were able to remove all of the tumour and they were right it was not cancerous. Surgeon predicts full recovery. Yesterday she died. Her brain begin to swell and the medication was ineffective. Because it was her actual brain swelling, a shunt did not relieve the pressure. She was 55 and her adorable grand-child will never remember her. My SIL lost her father while she was pregnant so she is now parentless. I am heart broken for her.
However, I got to spend 5 days alone with my nephew (will alone with my husband and my nephew). And for 5 days I got to see what it would be like to have a family. I will not give up! I will have a family! I am just not sure what the fuck I need to do to make that happen.
The day we got home my sister-in-law, who also struggled with infertility and miscarriage, but who now has a gorgeous one year old, found out her mother had a brain tumour. No worries, the tumour was a very common benign tumour that they surgically remove all the time. Surgery happend 5 days ago. Surgery went perfectly. They were able to remove all of the tumour and they were right it was not cancerous. Surgeon predicts full recovery. Yesterday she died. Her brain begin to swell and the medication was ineffective. Because it was her actual brain swelling, a shunt did not relieve the pressure. She was 55 and her adorable grand-child will never remember her. My SIL lost her father while she was pregnant so she is now parentless. I am heart broken for her.
However, I got to spend 5 days alone with my nephew (will alone with my husband and my nephew). And for 5 days I got to see what it would be like to have a family. I will not give up! I will have a family! I am just not sure what the fuck I need to do to make that happen.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Vacation
Hi All
Vacation is going really well despite my sad, sad news. So... it turns out it was too early to test. Three days later I got 2 lines. The next day 2 lines again, although a little lighter. And for the last 2 days, only 1 line. My beta is on Tuesday but I am sure it will come back negative.
Yesterday sucked but it is a lot easier to be distracted here. Today was my little nephew's 1st birthday. In honour of spoiling him rotten and securing our spot as favorite Aunt and Uncle we bought him an outdoor wooden play centre, with swings, slide, sand box and captains house. Right now he can only enjoy the baby swing but he laughed for 15 minutes straight when we put him in there and cried when we took him out so it was well worth it.
Well write more later.
Vacation is going really well despite my sad, sad news. So... it turns out it was too early to test. Three days later I got 2 lines. The next day 2 lines again, although a little lighter. And for the last 2 days, only 1 line. My beta is on Tuesday but I am sure it will come back negative.
Yesterday sucked but it is a lot easier to be distracted here. Today was my little nephew's 1st birthday. In honour of spoiling him rotten and securing our spot as favorite Aunt and Uncle we bought him an outdoor wooden play centre, with swings, slide, sand box and captains house. Right now he can only enjoy the baby swing but he laughed for 15 minutes straight when we put him in there and cried when we took him out so it was well worth it.
Well write more later.
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