Yes I had a baby even though no one has seen her

I do apologize for the length of time between little Kara's birth and my posting of her. My parents were here and they still don't know about this blog. And since the previous computer room is now a little girl's nursery, the computer is completely out in the open in the living room. Doesn't make for a whole lot of privacy.

So, Kara Riley was born on July 3, 2009 weighing exactly 7 lbs. She had a shocking head of dark hair (especially shocking given that her brother was bald until he was at least 15 months old).

Here she is the day she was born.





















And here is the two of us having some cuddle time in the hospital
















I thought breastfeeding was going great in the hospital, Kara only went down to 6 lbs 13 oz and my milk was in like gang busters. Unfortunately a couple days at home and I was howling in pain every time I fed her. Turns out the little princes has a higher arched palette and my nipple was getting sucked up there and re-shaped. I was cracked and bruised and tortured. However a few days with a breastfeeding clinic and 4 days with a nipple shield and we were both ready to go again. Since then feeding has been great!

So great that today, 1 day before she turns 1 month old, Kara is already weight 8 lbs 15 oz.

Here is a more recent picture






















Caden adores her, although he is still adjusting to not having all my time. Mostly though, he takes that out on me. With her he is so gentle and loving and always wants to "take her" or touch her. And every morning when he wakes up he insists on cuddle time with his little sister.

Here is my favorite cuddle time picture.
















I must admit that between trying to find active time for my busy little boy and breastfeeding a little girl, who will sleep decently at night but during the day wants to be fed or comforted always is a challenge and by dinner time I am pretty damn exhausted.

I am looking forward to a couple months from now when there is some routine. There will be some routine again .... right?

Baby Kara's imminent arrival!

We are scheduled for a C-section tomorrow morning at 8:00. Hopefully by this time tomorrow we will be all back in a private room (first come first serve, so I can only hope) and breastfeeding will have been successfully started!

Wish me luck!

Still alive and pregnant

Well........ it seems this blog has really been neglected.


Life has a way of taking over sometimes, you know. April was a tough month. It was the 1 year anniversary of losing my beloved sister. My brother and Caden and I went to my Mom and Dad's (a 4 hour flight). My brother was only there for the actual anniversary and the weekend, approx 4 days... Caden and I stayed for 5 weeks.


It is amazing to me to think that she has been gone a whole year. On the other hand, it is amazing to me to think that it's only been a year. Life marches on, sometimes even if we think we can't handle it. I still miss her every day and there are days that I am still in shock and can't really comprehend what has happened. On the other hand, my life has and will gone on and I see that it is how it is supposed to be (my life going on, not her loss). I have a son to live for, to enjoy, to protect, and to cherish. I am about to have a daugher. I don't want them to grow up with a depressed Mommy, they may not know it, but they have already lost far too much. Not just an Aunt who would have been the highlight of their holidays (we didn't live in the same province and would not likely have ever lived in the same province so we were limited to seeing each other 3-4 times a year). But let me guarantee you that she would have crammed so much into those visits that they would have been left begging for the next visit. They have also lost the Grandparents they would have had. Don't get me wrong my Mom and Dad love Caden and they will love the little girl. And frankly I think that Caden may be the only joy my Mom and Dad have experienced in the last year. But they are not, nor will they ever be the same people they were. They cannot possess the same energy, the same "love of life", of the same carefree spirit they had before last April. It has taken me some time to accept that these things can never come back. That my Mom and Dad can never be the same people. It is like I lost more than my sister that fateful day, although they are still here.


I have decided on a name. I said in my last post that I wanted a connection to my sister. What I really wanted was to know what she might have called a girl but although her and I surely discussed it, just as she surely discussed it with some girlfriends who were pregnant at the time of her accident, we cannot remember. We had no reason at the time to think that a casual conversation was worth remembering. We had no idea what the future held. Anyway, my sister and I loved simple names that were not overly common or popular but that were also not unheard of, or totally made up. My sister's name was Karen. I have decided to call my daughter Kara.


I don't know what I didn't think of it earlier but I am really quite attached to the name and have been since the moment I thought of it.


And Kara, will make her way into our home 2 weeks from today by C-section if she doesn't come of her own free will before then.


I am today finished 36 weeks and starting 37. The section is scheduled for 1 week before my due date. Given the prior brain tumour, and given that I have declined to have an MRI during my pregnancy the Neurologist and my OB are much happier with a repeat section. Despite the fact that last April there was no sign of any recurrent or residual tumour, I am actually fine with another section. I don't care how she get's here, as long as she is healthy.


Here are some pictures of me 3 weeks ago. I am aware that these are the first "belly shots" I have posted for this pregnancy. Truly, I feel so guilty that I get to do this twice when some of you have yet to experience it that some of the magic of it was lost when I came here. But as you can see, I am truly enjoying it. Even if I am significantly larger that I was last time.































And my baby boy turned 2 at the end of May!!! Isn't that unbelievable. I will do a whole post on the amazing person that he is becoming but for now, let me just leave you with this stunning image which really does represent his disposition and demeanor about 95% of the time.

Home Again

Caden and I had a fabulous time on our trip. There was lots of splashing water, digging in the sand, and strolling in the sun.

And because he was sharing a room/bed with Mommy, he went to bed every night at 7:30 and slept until 6:30 without stirring. Honestly... I could do co-sleeping. I have not felt so rested in a long time. And lots of afternoons I napped with him as well. It was delicious.

It was also fantastic to reconnect with an Aunt who I used to be quite close to but who moved away many years ago and whom I have only seen periodically since then.


Here are some pictures of our trip:






















































I wish I knew how to post a video. I have a cute one where Caden decided in a pub named "Margaritaville" to climb up on the table and dance to the song "Wasting Away Again In Margaritaville". While normally I would discourage such behaviour, trust me it fit right in with this cruise ship laden, 18 year old March Break crowd.



Now I am home and I am in nesting mode. I am researching cribs and double strollers (I would love your opinons on double strollers) and cleaning out my old home office so that it can become a nursery! I am really feeling the need to be organized. I spent just over $1000 dollars today on furniture that will make our two main living areas (living room and family room) more organized, especially now that we will be moving the computer in there.

There is still no name for this little girl. All of my favorite names have become so popular in the last several years, and I like strong names but not "out there" names so I am finding it very difficult. Any suggestions?

I feel like I have an abundance of energy for the first time in a year. And it almost is a year. April 11 with be the anniversary of my sister's accident. Caden and I and my brother will fly to my Mom and Dad's on the 8th.

Funk no more

So a few things have happened in the last two weeks to turn this funk around.

First, I started feeling the baby. Almost immediately after posting that I wasn't feeling the baby. I was 18.5 weeks when I wrote that last post. I had said that I was 16 weeks at my last check up two weeks ago and I think that is why everyone thought I was 16 weeks. Anyway... within days of posting that I was feeling movement every day.

Second, I booked my self a trip down south. Caden and I are going to spend a week haning with family and playing in the sand and surf. I need some sunshine. This snow and cold weather and staying indoors all the time is getting to me. We leave next Tuesday.

Third, I had my ultrasound today and found out first and foremost that the baby is ok and second that it is a little girl! If you know me, you know that my expressed preference for this pregnancy was a little boy. I really wanted Caden to have a brother, a same sex sibling. Someone to play with and bicker with and wrestle with and share his life with. I had a brother and sister and I was so close with both of them but there is something about same sex siblings, some kind of bond that is indescribable but quite amazing. So you can imagine my surprise when the tech pointed today to her head and her heart and her hands and feet and then between those feet, her vagina and I started bawling.... tears of joy.

I am actually overwhelmed by how excited I am for a little girl. I love my little boy so much. Right now it is impossible to quite imagine that I could love any other child as much.... But right now it is impossible to be in a funk. I have a growing, healthy life inside of me. I am going on a lovely, fun filled vacation with my son, and I am having a daughter!

I don't know

I don't know why I can't come here and post

I am in a funk I suppose.

I still read all your blogs, and even occasionall comment. But I can't seem to manage an update.

Nothing has been really bad in my life. Although in the past 18 months my perception of "really bad" has changed incredibly.

Christmas was hard, New Year's was harder still. Since then I seem to be running blank. I enjoy Caden, cherish him even more strongly perhaps, if that's even possible. But when he's asleep, I feel empty, blank, ambivalent.

I'm still pregnant. At my 16 week check up we heard the heart beat, that was 2 weeks ago or so. Strangely I have felt no movement. It seems to me that this being a second baby, and given that my placenta is on the back this time instead of the front, I should have by now. I'm chaulking that up to the extra weight I have on this time and trying not to think of other reasons I might feel no movement.

Ultrasound

The Ultrasound on Wednesday was perfect. A huge head, a little body and itty bitty dinasour arms and legs. Lots of movement that looked very much like a bee communicating and a heartbeat of 176.

Merry Christmas. It might very well be the first thing I've really gotten excited about the whole season.

I truly believe this pregnancy is a gift from my sister. My sister and I hardly ever fought but Reality might remember how heartbroken I was last fall when my sister and I fought heartily about my announcement that after Christmas I would start "trying" again. She did NOT want me to get pregnant again. She was afraid that the tumour would come back. She didn't understand at all why I would take that risk. She thought I was lucky to have recovered fully, completely and that I should count my lucky stars and take no risks. I told her I had to live my life, I couldn't live in fear. I told her the chances of it coming back in my case were miniscule and although statistically a little higher, still miniscule even if I got pregnant. I pleaded with her to see my point of view. I said "I want Caden to have a sibling. I don't want him to grow up an only child" She said "I want Caden to have a mother. I don't want to watch him grow up without you"

She told me she loved me and that last summer she had been terrified to think she could spend the rest of her life without me. I told her that would never happen. We both hung up after a couple hours still in tears.

Later, as time went on. She came to accept my decision. I don't think she ever fully approved but I think she knew that I had thought it out well. That I had listened carefully to my Neurologist and Neurosurgeon and that I wasn't taking unacceptable risks. She made me promise to not to ART until after this Christmas when she would be married and could start trying too.

I told my RE that I feel like that girl in high school who when asked why she didn't use protection says I didn't think you could get pregnant the first time. I am astounded in what we had to go through to get Boo and how easily this pregnancy came. My sister and I always shared such important news with each other before anyone else. So when I did the home pregnancy test and it was positive I told her, while still in the bathroom, before anyone else. I could have sworn I heard her giggle and say I already knew. I know that's crazy. I would have thought it hokey before but I have heard her voice in my head a few times since her death.

The due date is a short week from her birthday. She would have been thrilled about that, and it will give us all a reason to continue to celebrate her birthday.... she would have been thrilled about that too. There is connection between her and this baby somehow. I can't explain it but I can feel it.

I have started talking to God again too. It started with prayers for Flicka and then prayers for this baby. I cried, I yelled, I screamed that although this was wonderful, it was no fair trade. But in the end I begged that this baby would be safe, healthy. That our family would be done with it's suffering for a while and have a chance to heal. That new life would come at a time to help healing and allow us to reclaim our hearts for joy, even if a piece of it is lost forever.