So last week's ultrasound which showed two appropriate sized gestational sacks (complete with appropriate size embryo's and yolk sacks and two beating hearts) did a lot to convince me that I am actually pregnant.
Yup I can say the word, I am pregnant. And for about 3 days I really believed that I would stay that way. It helped that last week I was incredibly nauseous. I had a pregnancy symptom and an ultrasound.... I was on top of the world.
But since Saturday I have not been sick and of course those old doubting feelings have already returned. That's not to say that I have no symptoms. I am incredibly tired (like just woke up 2 hours ago and already planning my nap tired) and I have very sore boobs. But we all know that these things are caused by increased progesterone. And I am still taking PIO injections.
My thoughts have turned to imagining that I will start to bleed or imagining that on the next ultrasound (incredibly not until November 29 when I will be almost 11 weeks) they will look exactly as they did last week, minus the heartbeats.
I haven't posted any of this because I feel guilty and whiny. I absolutely hate it when bloggers get pregnant and stop posting. I have said more than once that I feel cheated when I cheer someone on through all the struggles of infertility and then do not get to share in the joy of their success. But people, I now understand the guilt. Because within my last three happy posts I have had congratulations from a blogging friend who had just gotten a negative after a frozen transfer, a blogging friend who had just gotten a negative after a donor IVF, a blogging friend who had just had her much anticipated first IVF cancelled, and many other friends who struggle everyday with the shit that is infertility.
I feel like I want to go to people's blog's who I know are going through a really rough time and tell them not to come to my blog anymore.
But I can't stop posting, first of all that would be completely hypocritcal and second of all I would miss you all too much. And I can't pretend that I am able to sit back and enjoy this pregnancy because that would be a lie. On any given day I am likely to talk both about the fact that I will be past the first trimester when I travel at Christmas and that I no longer believe they are alive.
That is my reality. I desparately want them. I desparately want to relax and enjoy. But I know too much. I have seen first hand how quickly this happiness can be ripped from my heart and I am not quite ready to fully give in.
Don't get me wrong. I am not always Debbie Downer. I have been known to rub my belly and tell them I love them and I really want them to stay. I do occasionally talk about getting further along in my pregnancy and the complications I might face. But when Rick said out of the blue the other night, "I know you wouldn't want to start anything yet, but we should start thinking about how we will set up that room" I almost threw up. Really.... I am almost 8 weeks..... this might still be a dream..... this could still go incredibly wrong. And I am much more inclined to believe that it will than I am to believe that in 5 months I might have to think about a babies room.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I hope they always stay this close!
22 comments:
The symptoms sound good to me so far. You saw the sacs and that’s what counts for the moment. I cant tell you things won’t go wrong, maybe they will, that’s reality, but from my experience and if I ever get pregnant again, I’ll play it this way; enjoy each hurdle, enjoy each phase, don’t feel guilty for doing so in case you lose them because you already love them and losing them wont make you love them all the more or all the less. My point is, if this does go well, you will regret not having made the most of it and doing what most women having a normal pregnancy does, recording each moment, taking beely shots, keeping scans etc... I don’t regret loving my babies I lost, even though they’ve gone. I don’t regret sharing my body with them, being sick for them, feeling happy their inside etc. I don’t regret it one bit.
And talking of guilt, stop feeling guilty that your pregnant and your friends are not! Sorry to be blunt or sound cold-hearted but this is YOUR time, you got here through sheer effort, you have NOTHING to feel guilty for. If they want to read they will, and if they do, they cant be hurting that much. On the contrary, I think you’re an inspiration. Even if this all goes to shit, you got this far, that’s inspirational enough and that’s why I read. You’ re not ‘whiny’, you’re scared and that I have no advice for, unfortunately. I can only advise that you do indeed relax and enjoy, it cant hurt either way, can it?
Keep rubbing your belly and telling them you wan them to stay. Its good for them if they do stick around. As for setting up the room, I agree with you, its not what you should be concentrating on for the moment. That’s one thing I don’t regret not doing. Its not easy clearing up baby stuff if things go wrong, I personally never bought a thing for LaLa until she came out healthy and alive. Looking at my flat the day before she was born you wouldn’t believe there was a baby on the way. Then you’ll get so many presents you wont need to shop for them for ages… Hope I’ve helped sweetie, thinking and praying for you :)
Artblog says it all so well that I don't think I need to add a thing.
Aside from the fact that what you're feeling is normal. Oh, and, I might be almost 18 weeks but let me tell you that I still wonder if Smudge's little heart is beating. I actually called a medical supply place to see if I can rent one of those heartbeat monitors.
It's never going to be easy on us but we need to make a point of enjoying every last minute.
I know that guilt all too well! It's hard to blog as openly when you know you have something that other people want. I can't believe your next sono is so far away, that's cruel and unusual punishment. I hope everything continues to go well, it sounds like things are normal for now. Symptoms come and go and you can drive yourself crazy analyzing everything. I know I always did. :)
Well, for what it is worth, I still plan on reading your blog and even seeing you in person to watch your belly expand first hand.
Artblog is totally right. This is your time. You have worked hard to get here. You deserve to celebrate and enjoy it.
I am not yet pregnant and don't know for sure if I ever will be. That doesn't change the dynamics of our friendship. You are still able to empathize and support me with what I still have to go through. One day, we will go for a walk in the woods with our children. That part I don't doubt. My children may come from adoption, but one day, we will go back to the trail with our kids and have a picnic (don't worry, I will make it.) Even though I am not pregnant, I don't want to miss a second of yours. So, other bloggers may not want to read what you have to say, but really, it is their loss because you are one of the most caring and compassionate people I know. I can say that for sure, because I actually know you in real life and not just through the computer.
Enjoy this Krista. You my friend, are pregnant and I couldn't be any happier for you. I just wish you could eat sweets. I really got an urge to bake!
I will keep cheering you on, and keep believing in yourself and the babies. Thinking of you.
I can't wait to hear all of the wonderful events. Enjoy every minute and tell us. I will take all of the happy baby energy I can get!!!
Krista - Yep. I so know what you mean... It is hard, it really is, to feel as if you can't say what you need to. The sad thing is that for every few people who say "Yay, share this with us please!!" there is another one who can't bear to read. Even a couple who are prepared to make comments outright.
Sorry I'm about to go into a vent. I still feel very touchy after seventeen weeks!! The identity swap can be very hard to adapt to, I guess. :)
I'm sorry. That sounded hideously negative.
I think that as an infertile we kind of expect to have wonderful feelings after we get PG, yet those old infertile thoughts just keep messing with our happiness and/or brains. I totally understand where you are coming from and I hope at some point you are just able to kick back, relax and enjoy.
Take care
I have absolutely no idea what to say. Because you're right..it's hard to argue with past experience. All I know to do is pray, so I will be doing that. Hang in there...
First I wanted to say I am glad that you are posting while you are pregnant. I hate it when pregnant people stop posting. Most of the pregnancies that I want to read about are high risk and I think it should be required that they write at least once a week to tell us that everything is okay.
Second, you don't have a normal pregnancy, you are not Debbie Downer and we don't get annoyed hearing your fears. You have legitmate fears and you need a place to get them out, and that is what we are here for. Pregnancy after a loss is hard, there is no innocience that everything will be okay. We are here for you, we really do want to hear about it.
I hope that you are doing well.. i hope that the morning sickness has made a re-apperance.. just to make you feel better.
You are in my thoughts.
A cautious congratulations to you! I didn't start setting up Bean's nursery until I was half way through my 7th month. I, like you, was very hesitant. And I think that's completely normal
Oh...and...I know the guilt. I have a good blogger/chat friend who is struggling through many IVF cycles and I was lucky on #1. I know she can't bare to read my blog, and I understand. At the same time, you owe it to yourself to rejoice on your blog and tell the world about it. You deserve this just as much as the next person.
To help my sanity, I rented a baby doppler. Once the heartbeat was audible I used it every single day just to make sure Bean's' heart was still beating. I checked in the morning before work and before I went to bed at night. I did this until I felt movements..and even then I would listen sometimes. I highly recommend them!
I can understand the guilt. And the fear. And the worry.
Either way... I'm gonna keep reading your blog. Because honestly?
If I couldn't see people make it through infertility and then pregnancy and then being the parent of a healthy baby, I wouldn't bother with this IVF bullshit.
Seriously. I am happy you're blogging. You give me hope, Krista. More than you even know.
I agree with Serenity - reading your thoughts proves to me that IVF CAN WORK! It gives me hope.
I'm not going anywhere. Post whatever you want!
i am too thrilled for you to get this far to ever feel anything but super happy for you!!! there are days and times when i wish it was me too...but i would never regret or be jealous of anyone who gets this miracle....
my wish for you is that you will in time relax and enjoy every twinge, every everything....i wish you the healthiest nine months filled with building joy each and every day and a sense of inner peace for you and your partner....and that you be free of any guilt....the reality is there are tonnes of pregnant women coming across our paths every day...that's part of our journey....
i am so totally thrilled for you....
be well
peace
shlomit
Hi-I came to your blog from Serenity's. I felt such an urge to tell you to enjoy each day. I had 4 miscarriages and during my 2 successful pregnancies, I wouldn't dare to allow myself to be "happy". There was always that underlying fear that we would get bad news at any moment. When I look back now, I robbed myself of the simple day to day pleasures because of worry. I firmly believe that things happen for a reason, good and bad. Enjoy each day.
Krista, the guilt is part of the journey, I'm convinced. I wish I could tell you that it went away for me, but it didn't. It changes day to day and knowing that there are so many more hurdles helps me to keep perspective on everything.
I'm thrilled for you and look forward to continuing to cheer you on.
oh, and I'll second M's recommendation for a doppler rental. It has literally saved my sanity.
I know the guilt very well..it is very normal. Hang in there. There are a lot of us out here in blogland who would love to keep following your progress...so please continue!!
I'm going to keep coming and I want to hear everything - the joy and the worry and everything else. You give me hope and you make me glad that there are going to be more loved and wanted children born in this world. Thank you for not just disappearing.
Debbie Downer.
That is still one of my favourite Krista terms.
Stop being so adorable.
...no, don't stop.
Post a Comment