Tagged!

I don't have much to say right now. My last coupled of days have been spent trying to calm myself and do some relaxation exercises. As I said in my last post, last weekend I suddenly lost my nausea (which had become more of an all day event than morning sickness) and then on Friday I had spotting.

It wasn't much, and it only lasted one afternoon but it was enough to send me into convulsions.

Yes, I know that it could be completely normal. I also know that it could be a sign of a failing embryo/s that just hasn't self aborted yet.

I am not scheduled for another ultrasound for 3.5 more weeks. I do have a doctors appointment on Monday though and I intend to plead my case very persuasively. If they absolutely refuse then I may look around for a private clinic where I can pay. I simply cannot wait 3.5 weeks wondering if I am carrying around dead embryo's.

As a distraction I am pleased to do the meme for which Serenity tagged me. Basically I have to tell you five things about myself:

1. I am a lawyer, although I am an average litigator, my strength is in negotiation. I consider myself very skilled at quickly figuring out where other people are coming from and coming up with solutions that gets my client what they want without the other side thinking they have given in or "lost". I settle approximately 90% of my cases. Despite that I am a terrible, and I mean HORRIBLE advocate for myself. I will avoid confrontation where ever possible and often end up doing things I really do not want to do just to avoid confrontation. I am especially avoidant of confrontation with people I believe to be of authority, ie my doctors. Despite the fact that I have had many doctor clients, or many doctors who were the other side of my files and have no problem when I am representing them or against them, I find it very difficult to have even remotely confrontational conversations with my own doctors. This leaves me feeling very stressed about fertility treatments sometimes.

2. My secret dream has always been and remains to open my own daycare. I LOVE children. I love spending time with them, I love teaching them, I love watching them learn more about their surroundings. I can honestly say that my favorite job of my whole life so far was when I nannied to help pay for my tuition. When I moved to Ontario 2.5 years ago I bought into the whole "you just need to relax" argument. So instead of getting a job right away, I took a year off. I seriously considered not going back to law and instead opening my own daycare. Ultimately, I am a wuss and I just couldn't imagine 'wasting' all that money on my law degree and no longer using it.

3. Being infertile has changed me. It used to be that I was a very optimistic, "glass is always 1/2 full" kind of girl. I had never experience a challenge that I wasn't able to overcome (although sometimes it took a lot of hard work and determination). I had to accept that I had no control over infertility and once I accepted that I saw the whole world in a different light. I no longer expect things to turn out right. This pregnancy is a prime example, I am one hundred percent convinced that I will not have a baby, despite the fact that I am desperately in love with these little embryo's already and look at their picture at least once a day. I am scared that I could not emotionally survive a miscarriage at this point and that fear sometimes feels like it is too much to bear.

4. I grew up in a very tiny fishing village of less than 2000 people. My house was a stone's throw from the ocean. This community was on a peninsula that wasn't connected to the rest of the province by road in the early years and as a result you could only get in and out of the community by boat. Even when the road was put in, it was a 4 hour drive to the nearest community. While there were definite drawbacks to this kind of isolation, it meant I grew up in a place where parents did not have to worry about their children being in danger. Me and my friends were given immense freedom at a very young age. We spent 80% of our free time outdoors playing. We were allowed to go off by ourselves swimming in the summer and skating in the winter. We played hide and seek by spot light in the evenings and we never had restrictions on where we could or could not go. It saddens me that my children will not have that experience although I am happy they will have a lot of opportunities that were not available in that little community.

5. I am a shitty housekeeper and cook. I can actually cook but I don't much like to and I hate to clean up. As a result we often eat out several times a week. It is not unusual for dishes to pile up on my counter for more than a day waiting for me to unload the dishwasher and we do laundry about once every couple of weeks. It is also not unusual for clean folded laundry to never get put away. What's interesting is that my husband is not like this at all. He has taken to doing the laundry and he puts all of his away, it is mine that sits folded in the laundry basket. Rick has learned to live with some mess because he either has to accept it or do all the housework himself.

Because this meme is relatively easy and I always like to learn more about fellow bloggers, I am tagging Reality, Jenna, Maya, Mony, Artblog, and Hopeful Mother. But if any of you would rather not do it I promise not to be offended.