Silence

Please know the silence does not necessarily mean I am mired in grief and obsessively worrying.

The reality is that between having my parents here doing renovations to my home and trying to keep up with the onslaught of my work suddenly, I haven't had much time to obsess about anything. Good really, the distraction is just what I needed to get through these two week (which by the way was way worse for me than either of my two week waits!)

I have no idea what the ultrasound on Monday will bring. I would like to believe that everything is ok. I would like to believe that......I don't necessarily. Not that I have any reason to suspect that things have gone wrong. Just that a Dr. Phil saying has been stuck in my head lately. "The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour."

My belly is continuing to grow and I have had no choice but to buy some maternity pants. My pants simply do not fit me anymore and it seemed ridiculous to buy a bigger size when if this does work, they will also not fit me in a couple weeks. I wish I could get really excited about my growing belly... I do so enjoy seeing it in the mirror. But the reality is, I am not sure how I will feel after Monday if everything turns out ok, but until then the only thoughts I am capable of is worry. So for the most part I bury myself in my work and my parents and try not to think about it much.

You notice I have not said a word about the lost one. I have still not really processed that. I am conflicted. I feel guilty for some of my thoughts both before and after finding out it had not made it. I know that is not logical. I know the fact that I was worried about a twin pregnancy and understand that a singleton pregnancy is healthier is not what caused this loss. Still I cannot help but think it nonetheless. And... I feel ungrateful. Ungrateful because I still had a moving healthy embryo (which, if still alive would tomorrow become a fetus) and I feel like I need to focus on that and be thankful.

I have simplified of course. I have cried many tears for our lost embryo and I suspect if things turn out ok on Monday I will cry many more and likely be better able to deal with my grief. For now, I am too worried to focus on it.

By the way Lisa, it really helped to know that Julia started out as a twin pregnancy. Although I have been told that it is common for twin pregnancies to turn into singleton's and be healthy I do not actually know anyone who had been through it.

Edited: I actually thought an embryo became a fetus at 11 weeks. I am 11 weeks today. But after a little bit of Dr. Google I see that although there is some inconsistency, most sites suggest an embryo becomes a fetus at 10 weeks, in which case, hopefully my embryo made it to fetus status last week!