Some sad news and trying to stay positive

So today's ultrasound was not all that it could be. Twin A was found to be measuring 9 weeks 3 days today. I am 9 weeks 5 days so that wasn't too bad except that twin A was the one who was a day ahead last time. The heartbeat was 163 beats per minute.

Twin B unfortunately had no heartbeat. It measured 8 weeks 2 days, which was ironically last friday when I started spotting.

So we are down to a singleton pregnancy. I wish I could tell you what I am feeling. I wish I could make sense of it.

I obviously was very sad to learn of one's demise. I had after all grown use to the idea of a twin pregnancy and 2 possible babies. And it was hard to guard my heart and not fall in love after the last ultrasound showed two very strong, very beautiful heartbeats.

And yet, despite the fact that I tried to stay positive, I instinctively "knew" something was wrong last week. Don't get me wrong, I was reassured by my doctor last Monday. But at the time it happened, on Friday and Saturday evening I KNEW something was wrong. I even mentioned the specific possibility of vanishing twin syndrome to Rick and to Reality.

And although I don't want to admit it out loud, for I feel guilty at even having the though, let alone expressing it, I was very worried about a twin pregnancy. I was very concerned that my very short upper body could not do it. That I would lose both babies late second trimester or early third as they needed more room. That the babies would be born significantly early with major problems because I simply could not avoid pre-term labour.

But just because I was afraid that my body would fail two babies, didn't mean that I didn't very much love both of these embryo's. They were potential lives to which I had become very attached. Their heartbeats had been the single most beautiful thing I had ever seen until today. And today, although my logical side tells me that a single pregnancy is safer and the doctor tells me that medically this is better, I find myself grieving for that one embryo in a way I didn't imagine I would.

And mixed in with the grief for dear twin B and what could have been, is an immense fear. A fear very powerful. A fear that says that my first pregnancy wasn't viable. That in this second pregnancy, one embryo has already succumbed, that the other cannot be far behind. I am not sure what is harder to deal with, the failure of twin b or the loss of the very short period of time where I thought perhaps things would work out.

I know that these embryo's are two separate entities. I know that the failure of one does not mean the failure of the second. And despite the fact that it's growth was a little slow, it was right on target in terms of development. It had one large and adorable head, complete with dark eye spots and what I am sure was a nose. It had a fairly compact body and two little hands and feet that seemed directly connected to it's body (apparently arms and legs develop in the next couple of weeks). And it had moves! This little embryo can dance. In fact it was quite a showboat. It would not stop moving! It made for an incredible view for Rick and I. I can say honestly it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. We watched it dance and wriggle for almost five minutes. Unfortunately all that movement made for one shitty ultrasound picture.... very fuzzy.

But I no longer feel safe. I no longer feel that there will be any time in this pregnancy that I could honestly say that I believe I will have a baby in 6.5 months.

The problem with pregnancy after infertility is that you have too much information. You are too informed. You know exactly what can go wrong and you are used to being on the shitty side of the odds.

So while you are free to say that one baby is safer, that one baby was the goal, and that as long as we have one healthy baby at the end of this journey we will have been successful, please do not tell me not to worry.

I am afraid that will be impossible for me. Because I realized today that being guarded doesn't mean jack shit. That ultimately reaching this place is a sign of success. That regardless of what you say out loud, inside you think that getting pregnant is what you have worked so hard for and that seeing heartbeats make all that other shit worth while. And because you have wanted this so bad for so long, whether you want to or not you fall in love. And I love this embryo and I will be worried until it is safely born alive and healthy, and probably for many, many years after that.