Crisis Averted

Well the email was sent and I wasn't able to recall it but I have managed to avert any crisis so I am ok. Still a little shaken by the whole thing. Client confidentiality is huge and this could have been a major problem for me. Luckily everyone cooperated to ensure that it wasn't such a problem. Technology makes our world much smaller and I am suddenly reminded that I have to be extra double careful when using it in my practise.

On the fertility front there is nothing new to discuss. I am going steady, poking myself each day with Suprefact. I expect that I will start my period on Sunday or Monday and my day 0 appointment is Wednesday.

Then comes stims.

Let the fun begin.

Please Help Internet Friends!!!!!!

I have made a major error. I need to know if any of you know how to recall an email in Outlook Express. I know how to do it in Outlook but have a sinking feeling it cannot be done in Outlook express. It is very very very important that I recall this email. I know it has not yet been opened.

All Systems Go

So, we have decided to go ahead with IVF # 2 at our clinic.

I have spoken to my IVF coordinator who assures me that I can be as involved as I want to be in my care. After each blood and wanding I wait to speak to a nurse, she gives me the days stats and usually gives me the dose (although sometimes they will call me with that later). What the IVF coordinator told me was that I see a nurse for convenience, she gets the info from the doctor but since I am paying the big bucks (and it is not being paid by provincial health care) they don't make me wait to see the doctor. However, I can choose to wait and see the doctor any day I want. If I have questions or don't agree with my dose or anything else I just need to ask and sit and wait. Also, if I don't like the answer I get, I can take it up with the director who has agreed to supervise my case.

The supervisor has also agreed that he will do my retrieval and transfer as long as he is not out of town. The IVF coordinator and I agreed that when I go in for my day 0 appointment we will try to time the start of stims so that my retrieval and transfer will most likely be a week day. I have heard great things about this supervisor.

I have decided that it is very important that I am mentally prepared and I should take advantage of this opportunity.

I am so frustrated by these base line numbers (the FSH, antral follicle count, etc). I know they are great, absolutely fucking perfect in fact. And I don't mean to whine about that but really, they were just as fucking perfect last time. And have been just as fucking perfect throughout this whole journey. Rick also has perfect sperm count (or did at least a year ago). His numbers were 120 million whole and about 80 million washed. And yet it has been 3 years, 3 medicated natural cycles, 3 IUI's, 1 IVF, 2 FETs, so much fucking sex and nothing, nada, zippo. I really would like to know what is wrong.

The only thing I can hang my hat on to give me any kind of hope that this time might be different, is that last time my E2 went to hell. It shot up to almost 13,000.00. So I am hoping that a lower dose of stims will keep the E2 in check and we will have different results.

Cause I gotta tell you, passing August 11 (my due date) without another pregnancy was very difficult and it's getting hard to imagine that this journey will have a happy ending.

I'm not Debbie Downer about this cycle though, I'm really not. No need to feel sorry for me. I'm a very good ostrich. Cycle, what cycle. All these shots and dr's appointments .... they are just more of that infertility stuff. Head down, humming loudly .... I haven't even told the old reliables that we are doing a new round of IVF. Why bother, then I don't have to answer any questions .. and when I need to talk, to get it off my chest.... I'll just tell all of you.

To Fret or Not to Fret

I swear. A lot. I use fuck mostly, because it adequately describes the strength of my anguish/anger/disgust/despair. I figure if I am upset enough to swear it might as well convey the right message.

But I don't use religious terminology when I swear. I go to church. I believe in God. I pray. And I don't believe that God has anything to do with whether or not I actually get pregnant at any given moment or treatment so I have no reason to be angry with him/her, I just look for comfort.

Today, however I held nothing back when I swore.

Today is cycle day 21. My doctor prefers a long cycle when doing IVF. On cd21 you start suppression medication (her preference is Suprefact). On day 0 (any day within first week of your period - the appointment is booked ahead of time so it is often slightly after the first day of your period) you do ultrasound and blood work to check for suppression and then you start stims. Stims usually go 2 weeks and then retrieval and transfer.

Generally you are supposed to have your "set up" appointment in advance of day 21. However, my IVF nurse was on vacation last week and I wasn't able to get an appointment with her before she went. Neither of us were terribly concerned about that as this was my 2nd IVF and I know what to expect.

So my appointment today went something like this:

Me: How was my day 3 blood results (I forgot to call in for them)
Her: Great (give you the details later)
Us: small talk and signing consents
Her: So you will probably start stimming mid-September. Dr. Comforting will be gone by then.

>>>>>>>>>>>Silence so loud it hurts your ears<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


Her: Oh no, you don't know! Dr. Comforting is on maternity leave. She is scheduled for a C section on September 12



>>>>>>>>>>>>a lot more silence<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Her: I would have thought Dr. Comforting would have told you when you saw her in July
Me: Can you please leave us alone for a few minutes

Ok people, lest you think that I am being overly bitter, please remember that I have not yet done a fresh IVF cycle with my doctor because for my last cycle in October 2005 she was on maternity leave! In fact her 1st child was born sometime late September, early October 2005. You do the math. Never mind, the math has been in my head all fucking day. 2-3 months!!!!

She was pregnant within 2-3 months of giving birth.

Also remember that I seriously considered leaving this clinic and decided to stay because lovely Dr. Comforting convince me in July that I should try again. That there were things we could do differently and that she believed we would get pregnant.

And maybe you are all wondering how the hell I didn't notice that she was 7 months pregnant at the time! Well first of all let me tell you that Dr. Comforting never really lost her first pregnancy weight (well as it turns out she probably did and just turned it into 2nd pregnancy weight but who the hell knew) and second she was wearing a lab coat and sat behind a desk for 90% of the visit.

So, if I cycle in September it will not be with Dr. Comforting. The current system in place to cover her maternity is that the doctor in that day will review the blood and ultrasound results and decide the dosage. A different doctor every day to decide the dosage. Doctors who will have benefit of my file in front of them but will probably never read it. Doctors who don't know me and will be seeing me in addition to their own patients. Doctors who probably won't be wanting to "argue" with me about how my cycle should go.

In addition the director of the clinic, who is also head of obstectrics at one of the local hospitals, will supervise her patients and be the "deciding vote" if anything unusual is going on.

So. you see why I had to ask the IVF nurse to give me a few minutes while I quickly turned to my husband and said many many many bad words. Because why in the love of God does nothing ever go smoothly. Why I am faced with this information on fucking day 21 when my choice is to take the supression injection right fucking now or not and not cycle this month. And why do infertiles have to face fertility everywhere, even at their infertility clinic??????

For those of you wondering my stats on Day 3 were:

FSH - 4.8
LH - 2.4
E2 - 134? (I wrote down 134 but I remembered it being over 200 - not sure why?)
PRL - 18.3 (not sure what that is)
TSH - 1.92 (don't know what this is either)

Antral Follicles - 12 on the right and 17 on the left.

In the space of 15 minutes I realized that if I don't cycle at this clinic there will be no cycling this month. That no matter if I stay at this clinic or go elsewhere I will have a new doctor this cycle. And that I was not capable of making these decisions while I was still in shock. I got the shot, bought the $80 bottle of Suprefact and told the IVF nurse that I was not paying my IVF fees until day 0. That I would probably still cycle this month but that if in a couple days I was changing my mind I would stop taking the Suprefact and call and let her know.

I am mentally prepared for IVF this month. I have also not booked one single court appearance, negotiation meeting or client meeting for the two week period during which I would be finishing stims, doing retrieval or transfer.

So question is to fret or not to fret? Do I cancel or roll with the punches and keep going?

I have a friend!

Tonight I had dessert with My Reality . I not only met a fabulous person who understands infertility but I also got to eat fantastic chocolate cake. It was a very great evening!

A couple of weeks ago My Reality guessed that we attend the same clinic. She emailed me and we have been emailing back and forth. So not only were we able to discuss infertility, we were able to gossip about our clinics, the doctors and nurses and meds, procedures, costs .......

We will be both be doing IVF in the fall (well if everything works out for her and I really really hope it does) and we will have a real life person to share the hopes and frustrations with.

And since we both read and enjoy Gravida we have agreed that our next outing should be to get pedicures. Now do you see why I am so excited. I have a friend who has personal knowledge of infertility and loves the spa!!!!!!! And honestly we are only going to the spa because neither of us have painted our toenails in support of the last round of pregnancies. It's not for any other self-serving reason, promise.

I know I've said it before, but it bears repeating. I am so grateful for this wonderful supportive community. How great that I can have friends who "just get it" both in blog land and in real life.

****By the way, did you notice that I learned how to hyperlink. I can't believe how easy that was and how long I didn't figure it out. And I still didn't figure it out, My Reality told me that it was just a friggin button on the tool bar. Who knew!

There really isn't much to say.

I seem to have a hard time lately thinking or talking about infertility. I am being a complete ostrich and it is kind of nice.

Of course that is about to come to a close.

August 30th is CD 21 and the day I start supression. Assuming I get my period on time, CD 1 will be September 11th - bit of a suspicious start don't you think?

And that's how I feel about this cycle.... suspicious. Not really hopeful, not really negative either. Like there is a little voice inside of me that would like to believe there's a chance and since I don't want to shut her up but I know the heartache she may cause, I keep stuffing her deep down inside so it's harder and harder to hear her. And then she sounds so far away and strange it is easy for me to think "who is this moron....doesn't she know the truth....has she learned nothing" and I go eat my breakfast.

And I've gotten to the point where I can no longer picture being pregnant or bringing home a baby with any kind of clarity. I can dream about it....and I do. But I can't see it in my mind's eye. When I daydream it is with words. I daydream about a June baby, just in time for summer's warmth and summer's visitors. I daydream about buying a stroller and a sling and finally having my baby with me all the time. But I can no longer make those daydreams into picutres. I can no longer see my baby or imagine that it will really happen.

These days it is more like a fanciful, out-of-reach daydream and I don't really believe it can happen.....as much as I may want it to.

What A Wonderful (Blogging) World

Today is CD 2 and I have decided to cycle this month with my old clinic. Thank you all for your advice and support. Ultimately what most of you said was what I felt in my heart... that statistics (success rates) aren't worth the paper their printed on. Or in this case the memory they take up.

I know ART isn't an exact science. I like the fact that my doctor is prepared to admit that. I like the fact that she will listen to my questions or about what I have learned outside (mostly from you) and agree or disagree but not ridicule or condescend. I like that she is ready to admit that perhaps last time wasn't as perfect as she initially thought and I like that she is going for quality over quantity.

In the end I guess, I am not convinced that in my case, being 32 years old with no known problem other than some PCOS tendencies, that a slightly better quality doctor, lab, embryologist, etc would make that significant a difference.

The bitchy nurses, well they ain't seen nothing yet. I am making it my resolution not to feel intimidated by them or guilty for demanding to know information they would prefer not to give. They can be bitchy all they want, I will get the information or I will sit and wait to speak to a doctor.

What this whole discussion has done is make me think of the support I have in this community. I came across blogs completely by accident. I was on a commuter train one evening and a slightly pregnant young woman sat down beside me. Since I was a newbie infertile (in fact, I think at that point I wasn't even convinced I was infertile) I was not bitter at all at her pregnant belly. We started talking and when I told her that I didn't have kids but I was "trying" she confessed that she had had difficulty conceiving and got pregnant on an injectible IUI cycle after several failed clomid IUI cycles. She asked me if I read fertility related blogs and I was all like "Blogs???? What the hell are blogs?" So she told me to go home and read Chez Miscarriage. That night I logged on and found getupgrrl. Now by that time, getupgrrl already knew her surrogate was pregnant. By the time I found her site she was already on the way out so to speak, but my god do I owe that woman. I never met her, I never emailed her, I never even commented on her blog (cause you know there were already like 800 people commenting on there, who would notice). But instantly I felt differently about my lack of baby status. I felt less alone, less isolated, less like a freak.

When getupgrrl started posting less and less, I started visiting blogs she had linked on her sidebar. I found people that made me think, people that made me laugh and people who were just like me. I read their lives in private for months and months. Suddenly one day I realized that I thought these people were my friends, that I was emotionally connected to them so I started to comment and within a week of commenting I started my own blog. Within weeks many of the people I had been reading for months were writing comments on my blog.

I understand that getupgrrl wrote a lot of posts before she got a single commenter. I understand that getupgrrl was instrumental in creating blogworld. So I owe her a debt of gratitude because I belong to a community where people understand me, where I can always get support and where I have created friends. And you will never know how much that means to me (well....actually, you might).