Back in the Saddle

Thank you to all who emailed (through My Reality) with condolances, thoughts and prayers on the loss of my sister. Even with the monumental birth of my first child, this year has totally sucked. It has been the best and the very worse year of my life.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster. And although I generally love roller coasters, I can tell you that I wish I could get the hell off this one.

My sister K was a bright and shining star in our family. A very close family. A family that is always there for each other. A family that has never ever missed spending a christmas together despite the fact that the children were 34, 32, and 26 and lived in 3 different provinces.

She was a teacher who was beloved by her students (and she taught junior high!), she was a sister who despite loving her job, left in the middle of the year last year when I was diagnosed with a brain tumour and said fuck the consequences. She was a sister who stayed home the day I had brain surgery (although she cried when I asked her too she so wanted to be at the hospital) because I trusted her with the baby and it would be the only person I wouldn't worry about. She was a sister who did night duty over and over again as I recovered from surgery and was simply too spent to be up all night. She was a sister I was supposed to spend 5 weeks with this summer, 1 of which was supposed to be a week in the States, wedding dress shopping.

She was..... she was everything a sister should be. And now she is gone. Suddenly... without a good-bye.. without a final "I love you", without even being able to see her one more time or kiss her face or stroke her hair.

I will never again be the first to hear her most exciting news (like when she started her period, had her first kiss, lost her virginity, got engaged and a week before her accident got accepted to do her masters). I will never again kiss away her tears and promise her that life will be ok. I will never get to the first to hear of her pregnancy or be there when she had children of her own. I will not be the matron of honour at her wedding this Christmas.

My poor son has probably lost the most. K was the Aunt we all want to have. She would the one to make every visit fun. From making and painting pottery, to baking to trips to the Zoo, the amusement park or the swimming pool, there never would have been a dull moment with Aunt K. He will never know her. Never remember the love she felt for him. Never remember that 2 days after she went home last summer she called me bawling because she couldn't remember his smell and she was so sad that he would smell differently when she next saw him at 4 months (we saw each other on web cam several times a week so she got to see him growing). He won't remember that when we travelled to my home province when he was 4 months old that she drove 2.5 hours after school to be there when we arrived even though she had to drive 2.5 hours back the next morning before school started because she couldn't possibly wait 2 days until the weekend.

I have lots of pictures and video's. Pictures of her looking at him the first day she saw him when he was 4 days old. Her face shows a love that usually only a mother feels. But I don't have her. I shall never again melt into the hug that made me know that she loved me as much as I loved her.

I am doing ok. Much better than could have been expected I believe. Mostly because of Caden. It is impossible to be sad around a little monkey who can now walk and climb and make faces and give hugs and kisses. Besides nothing would dishonour my sister more than allowing my son (her baby she would argue) to grow up with a Mommy who is sad all the time. But still... life will never be the same. I will never be the same. I will always know what I have lost. I will always wish that I could call my sister when Caden does something new.

I am going home on Friday. It is my sister's birthday on Saturday and we need to be together as a family. My Mom is devastated and I am not sure she will ever be ok again but I know the only time I have seen her smile in the last 3 months is when she is around Caden so I am hoping a couple of weeks with him will do some good.

I am able to return to blogging now. Until now I could not have written this post. Could not talk about her being gone. When I come back I will tell whoever wants to listen how we are also back in the saddle with regards to infertility. How we are not one of those couples who blissfully "fall" pregnant with number 2 and how before I go on Friday I will have an appointment with the clinic for the fall. But before I continue on with blogging about my life, I wanted to share some of my sister with you.

On a sister's road trip in 2004

Us visiting our 5 year old "photographer"

Karen and her fiance in 2004 (before they were engaged)

K and Mom and Dad at her graduation.

One of our annual Christmas Eve, new pj's family pictures

Her engagement photo

The first time she saw his face

Pretty damn excited that her sister came home from having brain surgery but not prepared to give back the baby just yet!

In tears because she received a birthday card from her nephew!

She loved staying up with him (she said I don't feel like I'm hogging him in the middle of the night when everyone else is sleeping) even when he was sleeping she found it hard to put him down.

Can I take him to the beach, please....?

Our first trip to Newfoundland - 2 months after she left

I Love you Aunt K

Christmas -Could not believe how big he had gotten since his last visit 2 months ago

So happy that they were together for Christmas

The three amigo's and their baby

The last time my sister and I were together

There are no words.

This is My Reality posting on Krista's behalf. It has been almost a year since I posted here for Krista. At that time, Krista was in the hospital with a brain tumor and about to give birth the the most beautiful baby boy, sweet little Boo. It is with a heavy heart that I am back here again.

I posted on my own blog a short while ago about a dear friend who lost her sister. What I didn't post at the time was who the dear friend was.

Krista lost her sister, K, in a tragic car accident two and a half weeks ago.

I never had the privilege of meeting K, but I can tell you many things about her. She was only 27 and engaged to be married in December. She was beautiful inside and out, and her smile lit up a room. She was a sister, a daughter, a fiancee and a friend. She was so much to so many. She was a teacher and her students loved her. She made a difference in the lives of everyone who knew her. She loved ladybugs and had a passion for life. She was the kind of sister we would all be lucky to have. When Krista had Boo last year and was recovering from brain surgery, K was right there beside her and helped her with everything from around the clock feedings to helping Krista get back on her feet. K had a fierce love for her family and would do anything for them. She had an incredible connection with Boo and you could clearly see her love for him in all the pictures I saw of them together.

I spoke to Krista this week and she is doing as well as she can in this situation. She knows she has to be strong for Boo and she is trying to keep her focus on him right now. Devastated isn't a strong enough word to express what Krista is feeling right now. Her sister was everything to her. They shared everything and had an unbreakable bond. Their family is dealing with such intense pain right now and trying to get through things one day at a time. I haven't met the rest of Krista's family, but feel as though I know them all by the way Krista talks about them. They are a wonderful, loving, supportive family. They stick by each other through everything. They are an incredible family and I am so very sorry they are dealing with such a tragic loss.

Krista asked me to post on her blog to explain her absence from the blogosphere. Krista is going to take a break from blogging for a while to focus on getting through this.

I know what kind of devastation a loss like this does to a family. Krista's family has been through so much this year and I just can't comprehend why they have had to loose K. My heart goes out her whole family and to K's wonderful fiance right now.

K - you are gone, but will never be forgotten. Your love for your family and your passion for life will never be forgotten. You are loved more than words can say and you have changed the world in such a positive way in your short time here.

I have turned the comments on this post off. Krista needs all of the love, thoughts and prayers we can send her way right now. If anyone would like to send her a message, please do so through my email address and I will be sure to get them to her. I can be emailed at disenchantedreality at hotmail dot com.

Krista - I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much you love K. I know how hard this loss is for you. You are not alone. I am here if you need anything. Much love, my friend.

Two Years

Two years ago today I wrote my very first blog entry. I wasn't exactly new to blogging. I had been reading other peoples blogs for well over a year before I started my own. But I hadn't commented. I left my first comment the night before I started my own blog. Looking back on it, I'm not sure why I waited so long to comment on blogs. I used to think it was because early on I emailed a blogger that I felt I had a connection with and she never emailed me back. Now, I'm not so sure that was the reason. I think I was overwhelmed with the knowledge you all had. Overwhelmed with how opinionated some people were. Overwhelmed with my situation. I think I had a little big of ostrich syndrome. If I don't comment, if I am just an observer, then I don't really belong to this community. I'm having trouble but surely I'm not INFERTILE.

Looking back on it, I wish I had been blogging when I went through my miscarriage. I think I would have recovered more quickly, felt better about myself if I had support from people who had been through it.

When I was trying to conceive, it seemed that life had stopped. It seemed that that part of my life had been there forever. I remember thinking that I had been reading blogs (and then writing my own) for SO long. And now, when I look back on it objectively, 3.5 years. That's not so much in the course of 34 years. Not so much to get the bliss I have now. But then.... then .... well there were times I really wasn't sure I could endure one more day. Really wasn't sure I was going to survive.

So thank you all! Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for helping me through the most difficult part of my life so far. I can't express what a difference it made to me.

Tagged and an Update!

My Reality has tagged me. And because I heart My Reality I have happily complied. You may not be happy I complied however, I am a very boring person.

The rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged you.

2) Post the rules.

3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.

4) Tag at least three people.

5) Be sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

Here goes:

1. Although I love to get dressed up and go out, I am not a glamour girl. Most days I don't "do" my hair or put on make-up if I am running errands, such as grocery shopping or shopping in general. I try to make myself look presentable for church but even that is ify some Sunday mornings. Lot's of days, if Boo and I don't have to go out, we spend the entire day in our PJ's.

2. I am cheap by nature. Although I like my spa days as much as the next girl, I am usually stingy with my money when it comes to consumerism. We only own 1 TV (a 27 inch beast that was bought at Crappy Tire for $200 in 1996) and neither of us have an I-Pod or a lap-top or any of the latest gadgets. Although I sometimes long for these things, when it actually comes to spending the money on them, I choose not to.

3. I am a saver. Boo already has an RESP and a nice bank account (although to be fair most of that came from gifts given to him). I built up some debt to do IVF but re-financed our mortgage last year and paid it all off. Although I am totally psyched about my trip, it freaks me out that we are spending over $10,000 on travel.

4. I make all of Boo's baby food. It's not hard and I love to know exactly what he's eating. Plus, although I shouldn't feel this way, somehow it seems that it is the least I could do given that breastfeeding didn't work out for us. And I don't just make the usual, Boo has had some exotic food (for a baby) and I love knowing that he is eating such a variety of foods early in life. I want him to be exposed to as much as possible.

5. I am a very touch/feely person. I love to snuggle with my husband and my Mommy and my son. I love to give hugs and get hugs. I love to have my hair played with. I am very tactile and I think I have passed that on to my son.

6. I am fiercely loyal to my family. I may complain about them from time to time, but anyone else is ill-advised to do so. I know how lucky I am to have such a close connection to them all and it is the bain of my existence that we live so far apart.

Ok, a quick update on me.

The trip

We are going to Italy for 8 days, to India for 2 days and to France for 6 days. I am so very excited. I would have loved to explore India but I just feel safer exposing Boo as little as possible. He can't have his shots, I have to take all his food and water (which is not easy with the new security restriction on fluids in carry-ons and the propensity to loose your luggage on international flights!) and he is still so small that getting severe diarrhea or vomiting could be very dangerous for him. I know that we will have other chances to explore India when he is older and I feel safer about it. Hopefully the two days will be enough to get a small flavour of the local area and spark my desire and commitment to return. Artblog I would love to take you up on your offer and meet you but I am very cognizant of the fact that you will likely have a 2 month old who is still not sleeping through the night! You may not be up for company.

Our Boy

Boo is amazing. He is crawling and pulling himself up on furniture and racing around the house if you will hold his hands and saying words and eating us out of house and home (well... maybe not but what an appetite). He is a happy, good-natured little boy who loves to play and laugh (and be rough housed. He loves airplane rides and being tumbled around and turned upside down, etc). My one very minor complaint is that he is very dependant on me or his Dad to entertain him. He will only play by himself for short periods without us there. Of course, I know this is my fault as I was so anxious to spend all my time with him, I never allowed him to build his independent play.

My Marriage

Rick and I went through a rough couple of months last spring and summer. He was amazing when I was diagnosed, and terrified. And he was a rock for my family. But once the surgery was over and I was home, he wanted our life back, he wanted his wife back. Which means he wanted my family to leave. I was pissed. I was scared. Scared that I couldn't take care of myself on my own. Scared I couldn't take care of Boo on my own. I had only had brain surgery 7 weeks earlier and I admit, I made my family a crutch. But still, it was my crutch and I was terrified to let it go. It caused a rift between us that took a couple of months to get over. On top of that, it took a while for Rick to get into Boo. As Rick once put it "All he does is sleep, eat and poop, he's not much fun" I was furious about that and the little help he provided unless directly asked. He would come home from work, hold the baby for 20 minutes and then go downstairs to watch TV. As soon as Boo became interactive (at about 3 months or so) it changed immediately and now he is the involved, loving father that I always pictured. In fact, I love to watch Rick and Boo interact. They have such a special bond and Boo lights up the minute Rick comes into the room. I know Rick loves it too. He has admitted to me that he had no idea that having a family could be like this. So all is good with our marriage again, but it was a rough couple of months.

More later, but for right now I have to try to get my house cleaned. Boo has gotten two teeth in the last little while and they are really interrupting his sleep. Even his naps are shorter and he is still so tired when he wakes up. I have taken to napping when he does again, and it is making for one messy assed house! So I will leave you with a few of my favorite more recent Boo shots.

Decisions Decisions

Sadly the lady from my last post, the one who made the inane comment has two children. She is a "career" woman. The kind that had both a day and night nanny and who went back to work after only 2 months. Whatever.... I don't judge her. I just wish she didn't judge me.



Anyway, let's talk decisions.



It is time to book my flight. Rick and I have decided that we want to stop somewhere relatively half way on the way to India and on the way back. At a different point in our lives we would spend the whole three weeks in India exploring. Unfortunately, with an 11 month old, I just don't feel that comfortable. Perhaps if I had more travelling under my belt. Perhaps I am being paranoid for no reason. BUT Boo is too young and too little to have most of the vaccinations. He can't have the Hep A & B shots. He can't have the typhoid shot. He can't take the medication for Cholera and traveller's diarahea. He can take one form of a malaria medication so we will do that. But given the rest, I am just not comfortable keeping him in India for any longer than necessary.

Pity, I would have loved to do this... or this

Alas, I am a wimp and would never forgive myself if I did these things and he got sick because he wasn't properly protected. And since my soon to be sister-in-law is from India, I am hoping I get the chance to go again when he is older and can explore more confidently. Did I mention we are very close, my soon to be sister-in-law and I . I am to be the matron of honour at the wedding. So really, it is likely we will all go together again someday.

Anyway, we don't want to fly direct as this would be a 22 hour trip (including a 3-4 hour stop in Dubai) and we can't imagine doing this with/too Boo. Instead we want to break up the trip by stopping and staying somewhere for close to a week each way.

We are trying to be realistic. We can't expect to cram our days full each day and see as much of the place as possible. I think a realistic schedule would be to be up around 7:30 each morning, have breakfast and see something nearby (a market, or just go for a walk), plan to be back by 11:00 for a good morning nap and then leave again by 1:00 and go for the afternoon (afternoon nap could be in fancy new stroller I have found for our trip. It's this one and if you have experience with it I would love to hear it, I haven't actually bought it yet!) Then we would have to be back to our hotel again by 7:00 or so, so that Boo could have some downtime and a good nights sleep.

My boy is an angel and is very happy even when overtired but he does not sleep well in new places so sleeping while travelling is going to be a challenge even with a good routine.

So here are our options. If you have any ideas on whether any one of these would accomodate our structured schedule I would love to hear them. Rick and I haven't left North America so we have no idea!

London
Manchester
Frankfurt
Paris
Rome
Zurich

If You Only Knew

Recently I had lunch with a friend. A friend I don't know that well and only know through my past work. Who knows me only as a professional. As a somewhat ambitious professional. After our conversation it struck me how little she really knows me.

If you knew that I have wanted to be a Mommy for as long as I can remember

If you knew that when I was 7 my little sister was born and after that whenever I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I answered a Mommy.

If you knew that the only thing that got me through law school was my full time nannying job and knowing that when I graduated I could start my family.

If you knew that when I finally did first start "trying" I would dream of what my family would be like.

If you knew how I cried every month when I got my period.

If you knew how much hope I had when I finally went to see a fertility specialist.

If you knew how I cried every month when I got my period.

If you knew how disempowering fertility treatment was for me.

If you knew how painful it was to go through a miscarriage.

If you knew how gradually my dreams and my hope died.

If you knew how emotional I became and how I questioned whether I could ever be myself again.

If you knew how much time and effort and money I spent on conceiving this little boy.

If you knew that when he was born I was so sick I wasn't sure I would live to see him grow up.

If you knew that because of him, I was strong enough to get better in record time.

If you knew that even now, when I look into his eyes, I weep because I know how very lucky I am.

If you knew how happy he makes me.

If you knew that in all my life I have never felt more fulfilled.

If you knew that suddenly my dreams and hope are alive again.

If you only knew that I consider this to be the most important job I have ever done, then maybe you wouldn't have said "Your not going to come back to work, won't you miss doing something meaningful in your life" when I told you that for now, I am happy to stay home and raise my son.

Warning - Happy Shiny Post Below

Despite all the apologies for not posting and the promise to post more, I still find it hard to come here and write happy things. It feels wrong. It feels hurtful. I know, logically, that you all know that I have a child. And I know, logically, that having wanted that child so badly, you would expect me to be enjoying him. But still to write about it, it just seems to be to rub it in the face of those who haven't achieved it yet.

But the fact of that matter is, as I have now proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am very happy. So happy that if I wait for something else to post about, I just don't post. And anyway, I'm sure at this point no one reads this blog because I have all but disappeared... so here it is.

I am not happy I am infertile. I do not think that it has made me a better Mommy. But it has made me cherish every moment of my baby's life in a way I'm not sure I would have otherwise. And cherish it I am.

Boo and I are having an absolute blast. We play outside, we go to lunch, we have playdates with other kids, we go to swimming. It is fantastic. Everything I wanted it to be and more.

It is crazy how fast he grows and develops. In the last two months he has learned to:

say MaMa - which of course melted my heart, even though in the beginning he would only say it when he was upset.

eat all kinds of solid foods - he has eaten sweet potato's, green peas, carrots, squash, grean beans, tomato's, prunes, pears, mango's, applesauce, banana's, apricots, blueberries, honeydew melon, cereal, chicken, beef and pasta. On the weekend I let him suck the juice out of an orange slice while I held it. He loved it!

Say Dada and then Daddy - which made his Daddy so happy. Boo gets so excited when his Daddy comes home from work. He wiggles and squirms and screams until Rick picks him up. Rick has been gone for the last 4 days on a work trip and I can't wait until he gets home, partly to see Boo's reaction.

Say Hi and Yum (when I introduced him to tomato - his new favorite food)

Go under the water at swimming. He does this several times each time we are there and routinely goes down the slide and plops into the water before I "catch" him and bring him back up. He loves it.

Pull himself up on one of his toys all by himself.

Wave bye-bye and giggle his little head off because he thinks bye-bye is incredibly funny.

And get his first tooth, without me even noticing. A friend was declaring that her son would probably be 1 before he got a tooth because at 10 months he showed no signs of one whatsoever. I said, yeah Boo neither and then impulsively stuck my finger in his mouth only to get bitten. I have no idea when that tooth broke through the gum, but I know it couldn't have bothered him too much because he certainly had not been fussy.

He cracks me up almost every day. I love watching him, even when he is being stubborn. I love to see his independance develop, almost as much as I love cuddling him just after his bottle when he is tired but not yet quite ready to say good bye to the day.

This is the Baptism outfit I made him. We waited and had him baptized at home when all our family could celebrate it with us.

His first glimpse of the Christmas tree.


























The second is while we were playing a rousing game of peek a boo. He loves to anticipate when I am going to pop back up again and is often craning his neck and shrieking waiting for me to reappear.

















This one was taken while we were out to lunch to celebrate my birthday, just a couple of weeks ago. The sweetest birthday ever, even though I just turned 34.

















In this picture Boo is "helping" me with the laundry. I love this picture because he looks very shy, which is just so not true and a completely different perpective for me.



















Ahh.. my heart overflows just looking at these pictures and I have seen them a dozen times. Goodness but I love this kid.


Anyway, about my amazing trip.

We are going to India. And yes I know I have to be careful. I have researched and debated this ad nauseum. My brother is getting married in India in May and we have decided to go and to take Boo. It is not a decision I have made lightly and I have done and will do everything in my power to keep him safe. If you have advice about this, I would love to hear it. If you want to lecture me about taking him, please don't. I will probably delete it as I really don't have a good alternative other than not to attend my brother's wedding.

We are not going to fly directly to India, which would be approximately 20 hours of travel time, so I am currently researching where I want to spend almost a week on the way there and on the way back, any suggestions?