When you have lost someone you love so dearly....someone who was an integral part of your daily life and even an integral part of your identity, it is hard to express happiness with your life.
The summer Caden was 1, just a few months after my sister was killed, I did a lot of fun things with him. We went to a local water park a lot, we spent every other day at the playground, we went to the beach. But I spent most of that time numb. I did it for several reasons.... First because I was trying to feel something. Second because I was trying to distract myself from the constant barrage of raw emotional pain that was washing over me in waves. Third because I was trying to hide that pain from my still infant son. And finally, because I needed to know that my life was going on. That I hadn't worked so hard to get pregnant, and then survive a brain tumour, only to have all happiness stripped from life forever.
Last summer I was pregnant with Kara and then had a newborn. The post-partum hormones were brutal in terms of re-living (or maybe if I am being honest finally accepting) the immense grief of losing my sister. Physically I recovered very quickly from her birth and I suffered none of the paranoid first mother jitters I had with Caden. In fact from about 2 weeks old, Kara was outside at festivals, Thomas the Train exhibits and local parks. But emotionally... oy... I wasn't hormonal in terms of being bitchy with the people around me. And I certainly wasn't depressed.. although there were times I honestly thought I had ruined Caden's life by not being able to give him all (or sometimes any) of my attention... I got over that real quick. But every morning I woke up wishing my sister could be here to hold my baby, her niece. To fawn over her the way she totally would have. To laugh at me for being so upset about Caden's adjustment to my time sharing. To have fun with her. And it seemed to last all day... just a general funk that my sister was not here. I felt sorry for myself... I am sure the sleep deprivation did not help but mostly I think it was the hormones.
This summer though... well... I am truly happy.
I have a 3 year that amazes me every. single. day. He seems so grown up sometimes both physically and in emotional maturity. And then other days he is just so totally 3, with all the drama that goes along with that. He can climb like a monkey and loves the playground set we have in the yard. He is learning to enjoy gardening and loves to help me pull weeds or he will dig for worms while I am weeding. He is a real boy, covered in scratches in bruises but with a great story to go along with each of them. He loved that he was allowed to climb the cherry tree this year (the lowest branches - no more than a couple of feet off the ground) and was ecstatic about being allowed to pick the cherries from a step ladder this year. In the last few months he has REALLY come out of his shell. He talks to other kids at the park, plays with his friends that for years he has just watched, and is so excited when he sees new things. He is still shy sometimes but it is now a rare occurrence (when a situation is totally new or he is overtired) as opposed to every day. It is a great age and I am totally enjoying it.
And I have a 1 year old (or almost anyway) who is a true diva. She craves attention. Will do whatever she can think of to get your attention or to get your attention back. She is willful beyond belief. She will no longer let me feed her, insisting on feeding herself, even if it is yogurt with a spoon. And she can usually do it too! She thinks she should be able to do anything her brother can, and will do it or die trying. Physically she is very advanced, she walked a week after she turned 10 months and now she is running and climbing things she should not even be able to reach (see the video below for example). And mischievous! She will look at you and laugh and then run to do the one thing you would most want her NOT to do, laughing the whole time. She will start to walk away and when you tell her to stop or come back she will take one look back at you and then laugh and run away. If you run after her, she will laugh harder and harder as you get closer and closer, dissolving in giggles when you finally catch her. She doesn't use many words, she prefers to point and scream at the top of her lungs until, despite your best intention to make her use a word, you just get it because my God woman, you are going to bust my ear drums.
The problem with being this happy is that you feel guilty. Guilty that you are enjoying life when she is not here. Guilty that you have a chance to enjoy life and she doesn't. Guilty that when you loved someone as much as I loved my sister that life even goes on, let alone that you enjoy it. And that's what it comes down to. When I find myself truly happy, as I am for the most part right now, I start to wonder if I really did love her as much as I thought I did... I start to question whether we were as close as I imagined. Because before her accident I would have sworn to you that my life would have been over if something happened to her. But my life isn't over. My world didn't stop that day. And so though I am really enjoying life right now, a part of me wonders how the hell I am doing that and what kind of person that makes me.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Relapse
This post is all about poop, please stop reading (all 3 of you still here) if you are sensitive about such matters.
We have been doing some toilet learning in this house. And we have been doing some toilet unlearning as well. I am not sure what to do about the toilet unlearning.
Caden has ALWAYS had issues with constipation. His first doctors visit as a result of constipation was when he was just 3 weeks old and he was being transitioned to formula. Constipation was a constant issue until he was 7 or 8 months old and using a sippy cup and eating solid foods. And then it seemed to go away... and come back for a quick visit... and go away... and come back for a quick visit.... rinse, lather, repeat... you get the idea.
Mid January I decided that Caden was ready to toilet train. Truth is, he was probably more than ready... he had probably been ready for ages, I simply was too busy with new baby and breast feeding to spend the time on it. At any rate... 3 to 4 days later and we were accident free for pee. Sometimes his underwear is a little damp by the time he gets to the toilet (he doesn't tell me until he can't really hold it anymore) but still... Although he still wears a diaper to bed, he always wakes up dry and has actually told us twice in the middle of the night that he needed to go ( you know with all the sleep issues, he is awake anyway :-) He does not like to be wet.
Poop too had been going really well. It took a bit longer, a couple of weeks. But he did get the hang of doing it sitting up. Frankly I thought that poop would be easier for him. He clearly knew when it was coming because he would hide in his favorite pooping spot and if you "found" him, he would ask you politely to go away. The boy like his privacy. And that was eventually the break through in getting him to do it in the toilet. I had to pull down his pants and leave the room until he told me he had pooped. But for over a month he had no accidents of any sort. And then he got constipated. Really bad. He managed to do it in the toilet but it caused such pain (screaming, shaking, tears and a little blood) that he has really refused to do it in the toilet since. At first I just ignored it thinking that once he realized it didn't hurt anymore he would go back to the toilet. But it has been almost three weeks, he is back to his once a day routine (more than once a day really because he doesn't do the whole thing at once.. he doesn't like the feel of it on his skin anymore.. so he has taken to doing 2 or 3 little ones), and he is still doing it in his pants. Only now he realizes there are really no consequences to doing it in his pants. And so pants it is. He has not pooped once on the toilet since that painful day.
What do you do with a kid who has "unlearned" his toilet training? Everything I have read says that accidents should be "no problem" and "no big deal". I did train that way originally. But now "no problem" and "uh-oh an accident. ..that's ok honey you'll remember next time" is simply getting me A LOT of stinky laundry, very short on patience and a kid who is quite happy to poop in his pants.
We have been doing some toilet learning in this house. And we have been doing some toilet unlearning as well. I am not sure what to do about the toilet unlearning.
Caden has ALWAYS had issues with constipation. His first doctors visit as a result of constipation was when he was just 3 weeks old and he was being transitioned to formula. Constipation was a constant issue until he was 7 or 8 months old and using a sippy cup and eating solid foods. And then it seemed to go away... and come back for a quick visit... and go away... and come back for a quick visit.... rinse, lather, repeat... you get the idea.
Mid January I decided that Caden was ready to toilet train. Truth is, he was probably more than ready... he had probably been ready for ages, I simply was too busy with new baby and breast feeding to spend the time on it. At any rate... 3 to 4 days later and we were accident free for pee. Sometimes his underwear is a little damp by the time he gets to the toilet (he doesn't tell me until he can't really hold it anymore) but still... Although he still wears a diaper to bed, he always wakes up dry and has actually told us twice in the middle of the night that he needed to go ( you know with all the sleep issues, he is awake anyway :-) He does not like to be wet.
Poop too had been going really well. It took a bit longer, a couple of weeks. But he did get the hang of doing it sitting up. Frankly I thought that poop would be easier for him. He clearly knew when it was coming because he would hide in his favorite pooping spot and if you "found" him, he would ask you politely to go away. The boy like his privacy. And that was eventually the break through in getting him to do it in the toilet. I had to pull down his pants and leave the room until he told me he had pooped. But for over a month he had no accidents of any sort. And then he got constipated. Really bad. He managed to do it in the toilet but it caused such pain (screaming, shaking, tears and a little blood) that he has really refused to do it in the toilet since. At first I just ignored it thinking that once he realized it didn't hurt anymore he would go back to the toilet. But it has been almost three weeks, he is back to his once a day routine (more than once a day really because he doesn't do the whole thing at once.. he doesn't like the feel of it on his skin anymore.. so he has taken to doing 2 or 3 little ones), and he is still doing it in his pants. Only now he realizes there are really no consequences to doing it in his pants. And so pants it is. He has not pooped once on the toilet since that painful day.
What do you do with a kid who has "unlearned" his toilet training? Everything I have read says that accidents should be "no problem" and "no big deal". I did train that way originally. But now "no problem" and "uh-oh an accident. ..that's ok honey you'll remember next time" is simply getting me A LOT of stinky laundry, very short on patience and a kid who is quite happy to poop in his pants.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Sleep
I know I have said here before that Kara is a good sleeper (probably more than once or twice). It is something I am very happy about as Caden was never a good sleeper and still isn't.
He will not go to bed on his own (he will be three in 3 months) and he wakes up almost every night at least once sometimes 3 or 4 times and won't go back to sleep until we go in. We have tried Ferber, we have tried gradually trying to move further and further away (we get as far as the foot of the bed and then never get any further). I have read at least a dozen "sleep training" books. They all say that there are some children who are so insecure that sleep becomes a bit of a problem. That's Caden.
I know I have said in the past that he is really shy. I don't know that I have communicated just how deeply ingrained that shyness is. He is overwhelmed by new situations and is now at an age where he knows it and can anticipate it. He will tell me "I don't want to go in there Mommy, I will be scared" We go anyway of course, but I always end up with Caden sitting on my lap, refusing to move, even if he becomes fascinated by what is going on around him.
He is overwhelmed by noises, anything loud and he will say "make it quieter Mommy". He is so easily intimidated and doesn't have coping skills for dealing with other kids his age when they are naturally assertive/aggressive, such as when they want to come up and hug him, pull him by the hand to do what they want to do, or snatch the toy he was actively playing with, etc. I have never stopped putting him in these situations. Since he was 4 months old we have been in swimming lessons (he loves to swim as long as it is just him and I, it doesn't matter if there are other Mom's and babies as long as he is not asked to interact with those other Mom's and babies), we have had regular play dates with friends (the same friends for the last 2 years, I don't change the people on him). I do try to talk to him before and after about ways he could prevent/deal with the behaviors that intimidate him. I suggest that when other kids take the toy he is playing with he could nicely say "No thank you, I am not done playing with that yet" and take it back. I have suggested that when someone tries to give him a hug he offer them a high five (which he is fine with). When we talk he responds and says that those are good ideas but presented with the situation and he freezes and just looks at me terrified with big wide eyes and says "I want to go home Mommy" We don't go home, but still it breaks my heart.
I read a post from Serenity tonight and it really hit home. Life is tough. It is often loud and chaotic and it is up to me to teach him to deal with the world we live in. I must admit that there are a lot of things I have taught Caden that I am very proud of, but in this regard I have outright failed. We are enrolling him in preschool starting in September for a couple of mornings a week. We had always intended for our kids to go to preschool the year before school starts just for socialization, since they are not in a daycare, but it is even more important now given Caden's personality.
He has done Mom and tot gymnastics for the last year and a half and although he still has a while to go before he is in their age range for independent sessions, his coach has recommended he start without me at the next session (in April) because physically he is so far ahead of the other kids his age. We are going to give that a try. My fear though is that he will be so intimidated that he will just not want to go to gymnastics anymore and that will become another fight. I just want him to have fun, to enjoy the fun things that life offers kids. I don't want to always have to force him to do things that ultimately he doesn't enjoy. While I admit is somewhat embarrassing for me to always have the kid who cries through parties and group outings, that it is embarrassing to have to carry my 3 year old around in my arms when other kids are running around laughing and having a good time, it is truly not about my embarrassment. It makes me very sad that he has to be so scared. That he is missing out on so much because for some reason he is terrified of kids. That no matter what I try, I haven't yet found a way to help my little boy who depends on me to make things ok and for whom it is my job to prepare him for life.
Do any of you have kids that have been through this? If so, how did it work out?
Ok and back to what this post was suppose to be about.... Kara's sleep. For the last 2-3 weeks she has been sick, very sick. And for several nights she slept in the recliner chair with me. She had to be upright and in the line of the humidifier in order to breath easily enough to sleep. Our doctor was seeing her every 24 hours to make sure she was getting better her wheeze had gotten so bad. And then also during that couple of weeks I had to put her mattress down because she not only pulls herself up but holds on to the rails and jumps and I already had one trip to the ER because she jumped head first out of her high chair. So I don't know if she got used to sleeping in my arms (which previously she hated) or if having the mattress down makes her feel caged in (or some combination of the two) but for the last 4-5 days that she has felt better enough to sleep on her own, she is absolutely refusing to be in her bed awake. She howls and squeals like she is being tortured. But here is the best part, she stands up and starts banging against the wooden rails of the bed so hard that she has actually left red marks on her palms and arms.
Everything I have read on sleep training says that this age is the worse to try to sleep train. That is almost never successful because it is the stage of the first and most intense separation anxiety. I know she has hit this stage because she has become very stranger shy and also for the first time gets very upset if she can't spot me in a room. But seriously people, I can see this good sleeper slipping away from me and it is very scary. I NEED Kara to sleep well. I need her to go to bed on her own and sleep through the night at a reasonable age (she has done it on somewhat consistent intervals between growth spurts in the past) I NEED to not get up with two kids multiple times throughout the night. But mostly I need to know that I didn't cause insecurity in my children.
He will not go to bed on his own (he will be three in 3 months) and he wakes up almost every night at least once sometimes 3 or 4 times and won't go back to sleep until we go in. We have tried Ferber, we have tried gradually trying to move further and further away (we get as far as the foot of the bed and then never get any further). I have read at least a dozen "sleep training" books. They all say that there are some children who are so insecure that sleep becomes a bit of a problem. That's Caden.
I know I have said in the past that he is really shy. I don't know that I have communicated just how deeply ingrained that shyness is. He is overwhelmed by new situations and is now at an age where he knows it and can anticipate it. He will tell me "I don't want to go in there Mommy, I will be scared" We go anyway of course, but I always end up with Caden sitting on my lap, refusing to move, even if he becomes fascinated by what is going on around him.
He is overwhelmed by noises, anything loud and he will say "make it quieter Mommy". He is so easily intimidated and doesn't have coping skills for dealing with other kids his age when they are naturally assertive/aggressive, such as when they want to come up and hug him, pull him by the hand to do what they want to do, or snatch the toy he was actively playing with, etc. I have never stopped putting him in these situations. Since he was 4 months old we have been in swimming lessons (he loves to swim as long as it is just him and I, it doesn't matter if there are other Mom's and babies as long as he is not asked to interact with those other Mom's and babies), we have had regular play dates with friends (the same friends for the last 2 years, I don't change the people on him). I do try to talk to him before and after about ways he could prevent/deal with the behaviors that intimidate him. I suggest that when other kids take the toy he is playing with he could nicely say "No thank you, I am not done playing with that yet" and take it back. I have suggested that when someone tries to give him a hug he offer them a high five (which he is fine with). When we talk he responds and says that those are good ideas but presented with the situation and he freezes and just looks at me terrified with big wide eyes and says "I want to go home Mommy" We don't go home, but still it breaks my heart.
I read a post from Serenity tonight and it really hit home. Life is tough. It is often loud and chaotic and it is up to me to teach him to deal with the world we live in. I must admit that there are a lot of things I have taught Caden that I am very proud of, but in this regard I have outright failed. We are enrolling him in preschool starting in September for a couple of mornings a week. We had always intended for our kids to go to preschool the year before school starts just for socialization, since they are not in a daycare, but it is even more important now given Caden's personality.
He has done Mom and tot gymnastics for the last year and a half and although he still has a while to go before he is in their age range for independent sessions, his coach has recommended he start without me at the next session (in April) because physically he is so far ahead of the other kids his age. We are going to give that a try. My fear though is that he will be so intimidated that he will just not want to go to gymnastics anymore and that will become another fight. I just want him to have fun, to enjoy the fun things that life offers kids. I don't want to always have to force him to do things that ultimately he doesn't enjoy. While I admit is somewhat embarrassing for me to always have the kid who cries through parties and group outings, that it is embarrassing to have to carry my 3 year old around in my arms when other kids are running around laughing and having a good time, it is truly not about my embarrassment. It makes me very sad that he has to be so scared. That he is missing out on so much because for some reason he is terrified of kids. That no matter what I try, I haven't yet found a way to help my little boy who depends on me to make things ok and for whom it is my job to prepare him for life.
Do any of you have kids that have been through this? If so, how did it work out?
Ok and back to what this post was suppose to be about.... Kara's sleep. For the last 2-3 weeks she has been sick, very sick. And for several nights she slept in the recliner chair with me. She had to be upright and in the line of the humidifier in order to breath easily enough to sleep. Our doctor was seeing her every 24 hours to make sure she was getting better her wheeze had gotten so bad. And then also during that couple of weeks I had to put her mattress down because she not only pulls herself up but holds on to the rails and jumps and I already had one trip to the ER because she jumped head first out of her high chair. So I don't know if she got used to sleeping in my arms (which previously she hated) or if having the mattress down makes her feel caged in (or some combination of the two) but for the last 4-5 days that she has felt better enough to sleep on her own, she is absolutely refusing to be in her bed awake. She howls and squeals like she is being tortured. But here is the best part, she stands up and starts banging against the wooden rails of the bed so hard that she has actually left red marks on her palms and arms.
Everything I have read on sleep training says that this age is the worse to try to sleep train. That is almost never successful because it is the stage of the first and most intense separation anxiety. I know she has hit this stage because she has become very stranger shy and also for the first time gets very upset if she can't spot me in a room. But seriously people, I can see this good sleeper slipping away from me and it is very scary. I NEED Kara to sleep well. I need her to go to bed on her own and sleep through the night at a reasonable age (she has done it on somewhat consistent intervals between growth spurts in the past) I NEED to not get up with two kids multiple times throughout the night. But mostly I need to know that I didn't cause insecurity in my children.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Poor Babies
My kids have been sick. Not just your run of the mill runny nose, although it did start off that way. But to the doctor, antibiotics, don't put me down, miserable sick.
Caden go the cold first and had just a runny nose for a week. Since this is the first cold we have had since before Christmas, I thought I was getting off easy. After all, it is almost March, cold season is almost over and this particular cold seemed like it was going to be relatively mild. Then after a week of a runny nose he developed a nasty sounding cough. And then two days later he screamed in pain saying that his ear hurt (only 1 ear) and please Momma, please kiss it better. I was surprised, he had never had an ear infection before and he had no fever but he was in obvious pain so off to the Doctor we went.
I took Kara along really as a precaution. She had also developed the runny nose and nasty cough and just that morning had started to sound a little wheezy. She was napping when Rick got home so I could take Caden to the doctor but I though "Let's bring her, don't want to have to go again tomorrow if she ends up with the same infection". I must admit when I woke her, the wheezing was a lot worse and I was glad I had decided to take her.
Neither of them had a fever. So imagine my surprise when the doctor said not only did Caden have an ear infection (somewhat obvious given his level of discomfort) but that Kara had a serious case of bronchiolitis and a lung infection. That her left lung was a quarter full of fluid. When the Doctor pulled up her shirt to listen to her chest her little chest was rising and falling way too fast. I swear it wasn't doing that before we left home. That she need two different types of puffers for the bronchial infection and antibiotics for the lung infection. That if she got any worse I was to bring her back or to the ER right away.
How could I have missed her being so sick? As if on cue, from the moment we left the Doctor's office, she was miserable. I spent 2 nights with her sleeping in my arms in the recliner chair in her room, with a cool mist humidifier aimed straight at our faces.
Luckily the antibiotics and puffers are working and today she was herself for the first time in almost a week. Crawling and cruising the furniture. Into anything, especially the things she knows she is not allowed to touch. Despite telling her no a million times and patiently trying to distract her, it was heart warming to see her be herself again. God I love those kids and it is terrifying when they are sick and you can't help them feel better.
Caden go the cold first and had just a runny nose for a week. Since this is the first cold we have had since before Christmas, I thought I was getting off easy. After all, it is almost March, cold season is almost over and this particular cold seemed like it was going to be relatively mild. Then after a week of a runny nose he developed a nasty sounding cough. And then two days later he screamed in pain saying that his ear hurt (only 1 ear) and please Momma, please kiss it better. I was surprised, he had never had an ear infection before and he had no fever but he was in obvious pain so off to the Doctor we went.
I took Kara along really as a precaution. She had also developed the runny nose and nasty cough and just that morning had started to sound a little wheezy. She was napping when Rick got home so I could take Caden to the doctor but I though "Let's bring her, don't want to have to go again tomorrow if she ends up with the same infection". I must admit when I woke her, the wheezing was a lot worse and I was glad I had decided to take her.
Neither of them had a fever. So imagine my surprise when the doctor said not only did Caden have an ear infection (somewhat obvious given his level of discomfort) but that Kara had a serious case of bronchiolitis and a lung infection. That her left lung was a quarter full of fluid. When the Doctor pulled up her shirt to listen to her chest her little chest was rising and falling way too fast. I swear it wasn't doing that before we left home. That she need two different types of puffers for the bronchial infection and antibiotics for the lung infection. That if she got any worse I was to bring her back or to the ER right away.
How could I have missed her being so sick? As if on cue, from the moment we left the Doctor's office, she was miserable. I spent 2 nights with her sleeping in my arms in the recliner chair in her room, with a cool mist humidifier aimed straight at our faces.
Luckily the antibiotics and puffers are working and today she was herself for the first time in almost a week. Crawling and cruising the furniture. Into anything, especially the things she knows she is not allowed to touch. Despite telling her no a million times and patiently trying to distract her, it was heart warming to see her be herself again. God I love those kids and it is terrifying when they are sick and you can't help them feel better.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Happy Valentines Day
First I have a question for you.
I am excited to say that although Kara is 7 months old, we are still breast feeding!!!! She is obviously eating solids but she doesn't get any formula at all... But breast feeding is different these days. First of all, I never get that full, heavy feeling any more (I know there is lots of milk though because I can hear her swallowing of course and because it sometimes drizzles out her mouth). Second, it seems like every few weeks I feel (although I am not sure I am accurate) that she doesn't get enough milk. Once, she got constipated which is not at all a usual digestive concern for her. Is this normal? As they get older and add more nutrition from foods being added to their diet, is it harder for your supply to regulate? Should I be aiming for a minimum number of feedings a day? She still won't take a bottle and I have given up trying so I am hoping to continue to breastfeed for a while yet. Any suggestions or information welcome :-)
Happy Valentines Day! What a lovely Valentines Day it was here. We had special pancakes for breakfast, all got homemade cards and went on a fun Valentines Day hike.
I am excited to say that although Kara is 7 months old, we are still breast feeding!!!! She is obviously eating solids but she doesn't get any formula at all... But breast feeding is different these days. First of all, I never get that full, heavy feeling any more (I know there is lots of milk though because I can hear her swallowing of course and because it sometimes drizzles out her mouth). Second, it seems like every few weeks I feel (although I am not sure I am accurate) that she doesn't get enough milk. Once, she got constipated which is not at all a usual digestive concern for her. Is this normal? As they get older and add more nutrition from foods being added to their diet, is it harder for your supply to regulate? Should I be aiming for a minimum number of feedings a day? She still won't take a bottle and I have given up trying so I am hoping to continue to breastfeed for a while yet. Any suggestions or information welcome :-)
Happy Valentines Day! What a lovely Valentines Day it was here. We had special pancakes for breakfast, all got homemade cards and went on a fun Valentines Day hike.
Life seems to be moving at the speed of light lately. Both kids seem to do new things every day. At Christmas Kara was just learning to sit up. Since then she has learned, and in this order, to:
1) put her hands up to be picked up
2) say Dada and then Mama and intermittently Hi
3) clap her hands when we sing or make her happy (mostly when Caden is being silly for her which he does all the time)
4) destination rolling (followed very shortly by getting from her belly back up into sitting position again) so in effect she can be sitting in one spot, decide she wants a toy somewhere out of her reach, lay down, roll, and then sit herself back up when she gets there
5) pull herself up to standing (and once she did this she would not stop!)
6) crawl
She loves to eat and is right now snubbing my pureed or strained food in favour of eating finger foods. Unless there are cheerios or small pieces of fruit or well cooked veggies on her tray for her to pick at, she won't eat from the spoon. Frankly, sometimes she won't eat from the spoon anyway, unless of course she has the spoon, in which case, very little food goes into the mouth.
They are both in swimming lessons and loving every minute of it.
Caden is still in gymnastics and his coach thinks that he should start the next session without me (move up a level to the older kids who go independently). We are going to try it. I know he is ready physically but he is so shy, especially with other kids. But if he can figure it all out and cope well, it will be so good for him. Caden's imagination seems to blossom every day. Santa left a puppet stage here at home for him and Kara and he loves to play with it. Lately he has started making up his own puppet plays (which are strangely similar to some of his favorite books - I thought that was brillant of him :-) He and his Dad have also started making up stories at night instead of reading stories and I love to listen in on the monitor. A couple of nights ago Caden told a story about Tom the camel and it was quite hilarious. He loves to sing and will often sing and act out songs for Kara to make her laugh. His current favorites are Pop goes the Weasel, Ring around the Rosie, and The Wheels on the Bus. He also loves to sing along with Head, Shoulders Knees and Toes, but he can't quite keep up with the actions yet.
And perhaps the biggest news from Caden, we have started (and are making great success) with potty training!
And some recent pictures!
Playing hide and seek with Grandma
Taken today, Valentines Day, on our hike!
Oh how I love to stand up
Happy Girl
Monday, January 11, 2010
Home
I am home... having just returned yesterday from a 5 week visit to my parents. I am so pleased to say that my parents are doing better than I could have imagined. Which is not to say that everything is hunky dory in their world... far from it. But they can be genuinely happy on a day to day basis and that is more than I hoped for last Christmas.
Caden made Christmas happy for all of us this year. We missed Karen immensely and it was hard to spend Christmas in my childhood home. A place where I always fell her loss most. A place I never had been without her until her accident.
On New Year's Eve I realized that I was happy to see the back side of the past decade. Although some wonderful things happened in the last 10 years (mostly I got married- - 2000, and my children were born -- 2007 and 2009), mostly it has been a decade of heart ache and pain, most notably of course the loss of my sister but the brain tumour and six years of infertility certainly didn't help.
Despite this, I am happy on a daily basis. I love my children and am so pleased to see that they already love each other deeply. Today Caden spent a good 20 minutes doing the same action over and over because it made Kara laugh so hard she got the hiccups. She stares at him adoringly all the time and when he notices, he says "she likes me Mommy" and then "I love her too."
Caden is such a precocious two and a half year old. His vocabulary is astounding and if you say a word that he has never heard before, he will ask you what it means, think about it and then try it out in context. It is quite something. He is extremely focused and can and will spend hours doing something if it catches his attention. For example for Christmas he got a couple of L..ego kits and spent 3-4 hours a day for at least 4 days playing with them. When he gets focused like this, it is hard to distract him. He has a great imagination and can make up his own games or story lines. For Christmas Santa brought him a puppet theatre and I have been entertained ever since. He also has the memory of an elephant and you had better not tell him you will do something later or tomorrow unless you absolutely plan to do so.
He is also extremely cautious and easily intimidated. New people fascinate him, but he prefers to watch from a distance than to participate in anything they are doing. He takes it all in and then asks me questions about it later. Although he is quite happy to play with other children, it has to be other children that he wants to play with. He has a friend and a cousin that have similar personalities to him (sensitive, quiet, and polite - no grabbing or screaming) and he will happily play with them for hours and usually cries when it is time to go home. However, I have other friends with children who are more typical 2 year olds (loud and rambunctious and wholly unconcerned with other people's personal space) and Caden has no interest in going there or having them come here. In a rather embarrassing development, he has now taken to telling me so both before they get there or we arrive and after, in front of their parents. "No Mommy, I don't want to play with ....! I don't like ...... or ..... is too loud or snatches toys or is scary" Because he is sensitive and easily intimidated he finds many situations scary and often has nightmares at night. When he is not sure how he is feeling, he asks me in a slightly anxious and higher pitched voice "Am I scared Mommy?" It is the most adorable thing and of course I always take that opportunity to say no, this situation is not scary because .... Then whenever he runs into that situation again, he will say "I am not scare because ..."
He is my articulate, imaginative, intense little boy and I love him so much.
Miss Kara is now 6 months old (how the hell did that happen). She was exclusively breast fed until 6 months. She refused to take a bottle or eat cereal early, despite the fact that I needed her to do so in order to have a MRI with contrast dye. I did have the MRI in December (the results of which were no new or recurrent tumours!!!!) and in the 8 hour period that I had to discard my mild (new drug - much shorter half life) she drank a full 2 oz of formula. She nursed like a mad woman in the following 24 hours. Quite amusingly the day she turned 6 months she started eating solids and has been slurping it down ever since. It's like her body knew that solids weren't supposed to be introduced before. Although she only started on the 3rd, she is eating 2 different kinds of cereal, pears, blueberries, banana's, carrots, squash and prunes. She seems to favour the veggies over the fruit but so did Caden and now I have to trick veggies into him.
She can roll from front to back and back to front, sits independently and gets up on hands and knee's as if to crawl but has not actually moved those limbs in any kind of coordinated fashion yet. She has perfected the bum scoot though and can often be found several feet from where I sat her as a result of wanting a toy that was originally out of reach. She says da da , ma ma and raises her hands when she wants to be picked up. She is a dream sleeper and will go to her bed awake and put herself to sleep. In fact, she prefers to go to her bed awake and it takes a lot of work to get her to sleep if going directly into her crib is not an option.
For a long time she was sleeping through the night or only getting up once but in the last month she has started getting up several times a night to nurse again. Today while Caden was making her laugh I saw a tooth shaped white spot under her gum on the top. I am hoping that is the reason for the night wakings and once through, we can get some sleep again.
She is one of those children Caden doesn't like (although he loves her). She is loud and rambunctious and has no misgivings about taking Caden's toys or putting her fingers up his nose, pulling his hair or poking his eyes or ears. She is smiley and happy almost all the time but you can see the mischievousness in those eyes. When she is angry at a toy or a person she looks directly at it and yells at such a pitch and with such consternation that you can almost imagine the curse words. And when she laughs out loud it is with so much joy that you wonder what a six month old could be so absolutely joyous about. She loves to cuddle and give kisses and will stay with you to give and receive kisses and raspberries and tickles and whatever else you can think of as long as you can give it.
She is my loud, happy, loving baby girl and I adore her.
I am so in love with my family and I do truly hope that while the last decade brought them into my life, the next decade will be filled with my love for them and with treasured memories made as I watch and guide their childhood.
I'll post pictures soon.
Caden made Christmas happy for all of us this year. We missed Karen immensely and it was hard to spend Christmas in my childhood home. A place where I always fell her loss most. A place I never had been without her until her accident.
On New Year's Eve I realized that I was happy to see the back side of the past decade. Although some wonderful things happened in the last 10 years (mostly I got married- - 2000, and my children were born -- 2007 and 2009), mostly it has been a decade of heart ache and pain, most notably of course the loss of my sister but the brain tumour and six years of infertility certainly didn't help.
Despite this, I am happy on a daily basis. I love my children and am so pleased to see that they already love each other deeply. Today Caden spent a good 20 minutes doing the same action over and over because it made Kara laugh so hard she got the hiccups. She stares at him adoringly all the time and when he notices, he says "she likes me Mommy" and then "I love her too."
Caden is such a precocious two and a half year old. His vocabulary is astounding and if you say a word that he has never heard before, he will ask you what it means, think about it and then try it out in context. It is quite something. He is extremely focused and can and will spend hours doing something if it catches his attention. For example for Christmas he got a couple of L..ego kits and spent 3-4 hours a day for at least 4 days playing with them. When he gets focused like this, it is hard to distract him. He has a great imagination and can make up his own games or story lines. For Christmas Santa brought him a puppet theatre and I have been entertained ever since. He also has the memory of an elephant and you had better not tell him you will do something later or tomorrow unless you absolutely plan to do so.
He is also extremely cautious and easily intimidated. New people fascinate him, but he prefers to watch from a distance than to participate in anything they are doing. He takes it all in and then asks me questions about it later. Although he is quite happy to play with other children, it has to be other children that he wants to play with. He has a friend and a cousin that have similar personalities to him (sensitive, quiet, and polite - no grabbing or screaming) and he will happily play with them for hours and usually cries when it is time to go home. However, I have other friends with children who are more typical 2 year olds (loud and rambunctious and wholly unconcerned with other people's personal space) and Caden has no interest in going there or having them come here. In a rather embarrassing development, he has now taken to telling me so both before they get there or we arrive and after, in front of their parents. "No Mommy, I don't want to play with ....! I don't like ...... or ..... is too loud or snatches toys or is scary" Because he is sensitive and easily intimidated he finds many situations scary and often has nightmares at night. When he is not sure how he is feeling, he asks me in a slightly anxious and higher pitched voice "Am I scared Mommy?" It is the most adorable thing and of course I always take that opportunity to say no, this situation is not scary because .... Then whenever he runs into that situation again, he will say "I am not scare because ..."
He is my articulate, imaginative, intense little boy and I love him so much.
Miss Kara is now 6 months old (how the hell did that happen). She was exclusively breast fed until 6 months. She refused to take a bottle or eat cereal early, despite the fact that I needed her to do so in order to have a MRI with contrast dye. I did have the MRI in December (the results of which were no new or recurrent tumours!!!!) and in the 8 hour period that I had to discard my mild (new drug - much shorter half life) she drank a full 2 oz of formula. She nursed like a mad woman in the following 24 hours. Quite amusingly the day she turned 6 months she started eating solids and has been slurping it down ever since. It's like her body knew that solids weren't supposed to be introduced before. Although she only started on the 3rd, she is eating 2 different kinds of cereal, pears, blueberries, banana's, carrots, squash and prunes. She seems to favour the veggies over the fruit but so did Caden and now I have to trick veggies into him.
She can roll from front to back and back to front, sits independently and gets up on hands and knee's as if to crawl but has not actually moved those limbs in any kind of coordinated fashion yet. She has perfected the bum scoot though and can often be found several feet from where I sat her as a result of wanting a toy that was originally out of reach. She says da da , ma ma and raises her hands when she wants to be picked up. She is a dream sleeper and will go to her bed awake and put herself to sleep. In fact, she prefers to go to her bed awake and it takes a lot of work to get her to sleep if going directly into her crib is not an option.
For a long time she was sleeping through the night or only getting up once but in the last month she has started getting up several times a night to nurse again. Today while Caden was making her laugh I saw a tooth shaped white spot under her gum on the top. I am hoping that is the reason for the night wakings and once through, we can get some sleep again.
She is one of those children Caden doesn't like (although he loves her). She is loud and rambunctious and has no misgivings about taking Caden's toys or putting her fingers up his nose, pulling his hair or poking his eyes or ears. She is smiley and happy almost all the time but you can see the mischievousness in those eyes. When she is angry at a toy or a person she looks directly at it and yells at such a pitch and with such consternation that you can almost imagine the curse words. And when she laughs out loud it is with so much joy that you wonder what a six month old could be so absolutely joyous about. She loves to cuddle and give kisses and will stay with you to give and receive kisses and raspberries and tickles and whatever else you can think of as long as you can give it.
She is my loud, happy, loving baby girl and I adore her.
I am so in love with my family and I do truly hope that while the last decade brought them into my life, the next decade will be filled with my love for them and with treasured memories made as I watch and guide their childhood.
I'll post pictures soon.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
How I love these kids
Kara is going through a growth spurt and has gone from sleeping through the night to being up 3-4 times a night for a week!
Caden is sick... just a head cold but very congested and scary sounding. We haven't been letting him sleep alone.
As you can guess I am very, very tired. So imagine my surprise when my little boy (who fights sleep both at nap time and bedtime) looked at me this afternoon and said:
Caden: Let's have a nap together Mommy
Me: Are you tired sweat pea?
Caden: Only for you Mommy
Perfect.. let's go buddy. And nap we did.
At her appointment Kara was 15 lbs (75%) and 25.5 inches (80-90%)
Caden is sick... just a head cold but very congested and scary sounding. We haven't been letting him sleep alone.
As you can guess I am very, very tired. So imagine my surprise when my little boy (who fights sleep both at nap time and bedtime) looked at me this afternoon and said:
Caden: Let's have a nap together Mommy
Me: Are you tired sweat pea?
Caden: Only for you Mommy
Perfect.. let's go buddy. And nap we did.
At her appointment Kara was 15 lbs (75%) and 25.5 inches (80-90%)
Sunday, November 08, 2009
4 Months
My daughter is 4 months old. How exactly is that possible. Time is flying by.
Her 4 month appointment is this week so I don't have her height and weight yet but I think it is safe to say she is ginormous. Caden was so consistently in the 50th percentile or under and at 2 months she was in the 90% for height and 75% for weight and I feel confident she is still there.
Because this will also be my journal, I have not got around to doing a baby book for Caden yet, let alone Kara, I am going to record some facts:
Kara slept through the night, at least from 10:00 until 5:00 for the first time at 7 weeks. She has regularly done it since and in fact, often goes from 7:15 to 6:00 or later. She has very short daytime naps however.
Although she was colicky for the first 4-6 weeks of her life and there were times in those 6 weeks that I wasn't sure I could make it through a year if she continued to be colicky. She smiled for the first time at 5.5 weeks and she is now such a happy baby. She almost never cries and is ready and willing to smile at anyone who talks to her. She is such a flirt!
She started to "talk" coo and babble at 7-8 weeks and she has continued to do so. It is hilarious, she even pauses so that you can have a turn to talk back to her. This is not something Caden did (although he spoke real words really early, he never really babbled, he was always a happy but serious baby)
She laughed/giggled for the first time at 3.5 months and although she has not really started to laugh consistently yet, when she does it, it is the cutest sound.
She has not yet rolled over. About a month ago she was so close I thought she would get it any minute. In fact every time I put her down on her back, I watched closely, sure that it would be the time. She gets over to her side immediately, then almost all the way to her belly but could not figure out how to get her arm out from underneath her. However, she got really, REALLY frustrated and one day screamed (not cried or fussed) but screamed in frustration and then stopped trying. Literally she has not tried once since then! Boy I think I am in trouble, I am sure this child is going to have a temper!
She loves her big brother. If Caden is around, I do not need to entertain her at all. I put her in her exersaucer and she just will watch him for hours. Now when she is on her play mat, he picks up toy after toy and gives her. Unfortunately this has two problems 1) she will never roll over if he keeps handing her the toys and 2) he takes the one he has just given her and gives her a new one so quickly that she gets frustrated and the quick switch!
She loves the outdoors, a great thing because we spend a lot of time out there. And she rarely fusses if she is in the stroller and able to see things. Recently I tried her in the baby swing in our play set and she LOVED it. Caden loved it too, he loves to push her and also he loves that I can give her a push and then go play with him for 5 minutes without her in my arms!
She is losing all her hair. She was born with so much and it grew quite a bit and then all of a sudden in the last couple of weeks it is disappearing. I would think she was rubbing it off because it started in the back but it has happened most on the top of the back of her head. She does love to dig her heels in when she is on her back and push herself along but I doubt she puts that much pressure on the top part of her head. Any ideas about this, is it normal? She looks quite funny as the only part that hasn't come out is a triangle of long thick hair in the front so she looks like she has a comb over!
Breast feeding is fantastic however she absolutely refuses to take a bottle. Normally I wouldn't care but I already rescheduled my MRI (originally supposed to be Sept 28) because I would prefer not to feed her for 24 hours after the contrast dye. It is currently scheduled for Dec 1 but I have had no luck getting her to take any bottle. I have tried, Avent, Playtex, Nuby (the new breast like one) and Adiri (which I was sure would work it looks so much like a breast) and different flow nipples for each one but she just spits it all out. I have tried letting her get hungry and offering it to her before she gets really hungry. I have tried giving it to her myself and getting someone else to give it to her. I have tried formula, frozen breast milk and freshly squeezed stuff. She refuses, gags and urges if you keep trying. Interestingly, I have noticed that she gags easily now that she is gumming toys. I have tried giving her freshly pumped milk from a spoon but it was not that successful. Although she was very interested, she didn't really get the concept of swallowing and most of the milk drizzled out again. It would take forever to get much milk into her that way.
If anyone has any ideas on getting her through a 24 hour period without the breast please pass it along. And I do know that new research suggests that I could feed her after the contrast dye. My hospital recommends pumping and dumping for 48 hours, mother risk says you don't have to at all. I have done the research and read the science journals. Based on the levels of dye in the breast milk in 4 hour intervals after the injection, I would be more comfortable discarding for 24 hours. On the other hand, it has been 1.5 years since my last MRI (supposed to have them yearly) and I really don't want to reschedule again.
Here are some pictures of my beautiful 4 month old daughter:
4 months old today! well... not today.. on the 3rd, when this picture was taken
Her 4 month appointment is this week so I don't have her height and weight yet but I think it is safe to say she is ginormous. Caden was so consistently in the 50th percentile or under and at 2 months she was in the 90% for height and 75% for weight and I feel confident she is still there.
Because this will also be my journal, I have not got around to doing a baby book for Caden yet, let alone Kara, I am going to record some facts:
Kara slept through the night, at least from 10:00 until 5:00 for the first time at 7 weeks. She has regularly done it since and in fact, often goes from 7:15 to 6:00 or later. She has very short daytime naps however.
Although she was colicky for the first 4-6 weeks of her life and there were times in those 6 weeks that I wasn't sure I could make it through a year if she continued to be colicky. She smiled for the first time at 5.5 weeks and she is now such a happy baby. She almost never cries and is ready and willing to smile at anyone who talks to her. She is such a flirt!
She started to "talk" coo and babble at 7-8 weeks and she has continued to do so. It is hilarious, she even pauses so that you can have a turn to talk back to her. This is not something Caden did (although he spoke real words really early, he never really babbled, he was always a happy but serious baby)
She laughed/giggled for the first time at 3.5 months and although she has not really started to laugh consistently yet, when she does it, it is the cutest sound.
She has not yet rolled over. About a month ago she was so close I thought she would get it any minute. In fact every time I put her down on her back, I watched closely, sure that it would be the time. She gets over to her side immediately, then almost all the way to her belly but could not figure out how to get her arm out from underneath her. However, she got really, REALLY frustrated and one day screamed (not cried or fussed) but screamed in frustration and then stopped trying. Literally she has not tried once since then! Boy I think I am in trouble, I am sure this child is going to have a temper!
She loves her big brother. If Caden is around, I do not need to entertain her at all. I put her in her exersaucer and she just will watch him for hours. Now when she is on her play mat, he picks up toy after toy and gives her. Unfortunately this has two problems 1) she will never roll over if he keeps handing her the toys and 2) he takes the one he has just given her and gives her a new one so quickly that she gets frustrated and the quick switch!
She loves the outdoors, a great thing because we spend a lot of time out there. And she rarely fusses if she is in the stroller and able to see things. Recently I tried her in the baby swing in our play set and she LOVED it. Caden loved it too, he loves to push her and also he loves that I can give her a push and then go play with him for 5 minutes without her in my arms!
She is losing all her hair. She was born with so much and it grew quite a bit and then all of a sudden in the last couple of weeks it is disappearing. I would think she was rubbing it off because it started in the back but it has happened most on the top of the back of her head. She does love to dig her heels in when she is on her back and push herself along but I doubt she puts that much pressure on the top part of her head. Any ideas about this, is it normal? She looks quite funny as the only part that hasn't come out is a triangle of long thick hair in the front so she looks like she has a comb over!
Breast feeding is fantastic however she absolutely refuses to take a bottle. Normally I wouldn't care but I already rescheduled my MRI (originally supposed to be Sept 28) because I would prefer not to feed her for 24 hours after the contrast dye. It is currently scheduled for Dec 1 but I have had no luck getting her to take any bottle. I have tried, Avent, Playtex, Nuby (the new breast like one) and Adiri (which I was sure would work it looks so much like a breast) and different flow nipples for each one but she just spits it all out. I have tried letting her get hungry and offering it to her before she gets really hungry. I have tried giving it to her myself and getting someone else to give it to her. I have tried formula, frozen breast milk and freshly squeezed stuff. She refuses, gags and urges if you keep trying. Interestingly, I have noticed that she gags easily now that she is gumming toys. I have tried giving her freshly pumped milk from a spoon but it was not that successful. Although she was very interested, she didn't really get the concept of swallowing and most of the milk drizzled out again. It would take forever to get much milk into her that way.
If anyone has any ideas on getting her through a 24 hour period without the breast please pass it along. And I do know that new research suggests that I could feed her after the contrast dye. My hospital recommends pumping and dumping for 48 hours, mother risk says you don't have to at all. I have done the research and read the science journals. Based on the levels of dye in the breast milk in 4 hour intervals after the injection, I would be more comfortable discarding for 24 hours. On the other hand, it has been 1.5 years since my last MRI (supposed to have them yearly) and I really don't want to reschedule again.
Here are some pictures of my beautiful 4 month old daughter:
4 months old today! well... not today.. on the 3rd, when this picture was taken
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Happy Halloween
Maybe next year halloween will be exciting for Caden. He is not a kid that likes to dress up. He likes to play doctor but will not put on the doctor jacket. And the idea of wearing costumes is a no go. We finally convinced him to put one on by pretending it was doggie blankie (his most beloved stuffed animal a dalmation doggie).
However after one house, trick or treating was done. He didn't like to go up to other people's houses, even though it was houses of people we knew... And there are other kids in costumes.... And they are SCARY... And we have all that candy at home! Let's go get it Momma!! I want to go back to my house to trick or treat.
So here are a few pictures that I was able to get. The first three are from playing in the leaves last weekend.
I think Kara will be much more adventurous. She loved the leaves and watching all the kids in costumes!
However after one house, trick or treating was done. He didn't like to go up to other people's houses, even though it was houses of people we knew... And there are other kids in costumes.... And they are SCARY... And we have all that candy at home! Let's go get it Momma!! I want to go back to my house to trick or treat.
So here are a few pictures that I was able to get. The first three are from playing in the leaves last weekend.
I think Kara will be much more adventurous. She loved the leaves and watching all the kids in costumes!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Cadenism's
Here are some conversations and words I want to remember in future years!
At the swimming pool change room after a particular rambunctious swim for Caden
Caden: looks around at the other children getting dressed "that was a fun swimming lesson, don't ya think?
At the grocery store when we pass an area that someone has recently passed gas in
Caden: I smell something
Me: What do you smell Caden?
Caden: I don't know.... smells like you Mommy.
One night as he popped out of his room at 11:30 and Rick and I were still up watching TV
Caden: What you doing guys? Something fun?
Me: Caden don't stretch Kara's barrette like that you are going to break it
Caden: Continues to stretch the springs until it falls apart "Uh-Oh it broke"
Me: Caden, Mommy asked you not to do that and now it's broken and I can't fix it
Caden: Ummm... I think baby Kara needs a new barrette Mommy
Me: That's a good idea Caden, maybe we should buy her one with some of the money from your piggy bank
Caden: Not MY piggy bank Mommy, it's Baby Kara's barrette!
This kid cracks me up! And there are still some words that he mispronounces that I want to remember
Umbrella -- um-ber-ella
Einsteins - oun-steins
Yellow -- Lellow - although I am not sure why... he makes the Y sound just fine for words like Yak and Yankie Doodle
Oh and my new personal favorite from last night.
Caden: Mommy... Baby Kara is asleep
Me: Yes, she has finished drinking her milk and fell asleep didn't she. Should I put her in her bed.
Caden: Yes, and how about you cuddle me to sleep too.
Me: Ok
So we put Kara to bed and go cuddle in the spare room bed (Caden's bed is a toddler and I can't lie in it) We are in his favorite cuddle position, him with his back to my chest, my arms tightly around his belly and his head tilted back and uncomfortably pushed against my nose, when he suddenly flips over, puts a hand on each of my cheeks and says "I am glad you are so here Momma". I say "I'm so glad you are here too baby" I really, really am.... he has no idea!
****Flicka*** please email me if you read this post. My old computer crashed and my email addresses died with it.. I can't email you to ask for an invite to the new blog... but I would like one :-)
At the swimming pool change room after a particular rambunctious swim for Caden
Caden: looks around at the other children getting dressed "that was a fun swimming lesson, don't ya think?
At the grocery store when we pass an area that someone has recently passed gas in
Caden: I smell something
Me: What do you smell Caden?
Caden: I don't know.... smells like you Mommy.
One night as he popped out of his room at 11:30 and Rick and I were still up watching TV
Caden: What you doing guys? Something fun?
Me: Caden don't stretch Kara's barrette like that you are going to break it
Caden: Continues to stretch the springs until it falls apart "Uh-Oh it broke"
Me: Caden, Mommy asked you not to do that and now it's broken and I can't fix it
Caden: Ummm... I think baby Kara needs a new barrette Mommy
Me: That's a good idea Caden, maybe we should buy her one with some of the money from your piggy bank
Caden: Not MY piggy bank Mommy, it's Baby Kara's barrette!
This kid cracks me up! And there are still some words that he mispronounces that I want to remember
Umbrella -- um-ber-ella
Einsteins - oun-steins
Yellow -- Lellow - although I am not sure why... he makes the Y sound just fine for words like Yak and Yankie Doodle
Oh and my new personal favorite from last night.
Caden: Mommy... Baby Kara is asleep
Me: Yes, she has finished drinking her milk and fell asleep didn't she. Should I put her in her bed.
Caden: Yes, and how about you cuddle me to sleep too.
Me: Ok
So we put Kara to bed and go cuddle in the spare room bed (Caden's bed is a toddler and I can't lie in it) We are in his favorite cuddle position, him with his back to my chest, my arms tightly around his belly and his head tilted back and uncomfortably pushed against my nose, when he suddenly flips over, puts a hand on each of my cheeks and says "I am glad you are so here Momma". I say "I'm so glad you are here too baby" I really, really am.... he has no idea!
****Flicka*** please email me if you read this post. My old computer crashed and my email addresses died with it.. I can't email you to ask for an invite to the new blog... but I would like one :-)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Transformation
It's 5:30 in the morning and I awake with painfully full breasts. I listen to the monitor but there are only the sounds of deeply sleeping breaths. I go to the washroom... maybe if I pee I will be able to go back to sleep. Nope... I need to feed her.
I walk into her room. She wakes as soon as her door creaks. She smiles up at me.. she always smiles up at me... it melts my heart, just as it always does.
She latches on and it's sweet relief. I love nursing my baby. I love to watch her nurse and listen to all the little contented sounds she makes. I love the way her eyes rarely leave mine until they are so heavy she can't keep them open anymore. I love how when her belly is full she let's go and snuggles her cheek into my breast. I love the fact that often at night we both fall asleep that way and I wake up some time later and put her back in her bed and go to mine.
Tonight I am very alert. I should be, she has been asleep since 7:15.... I have been asleep since 9:30. I drink in the way she smells. I watch her and my heart melts more. Who could imagine I could feel this kind of love twice. I was unsure that I would be able to love her the same as my son, turns out your world can revolve around two kids in the same way.
As she's drinking she smiles up at me. She's so happy I think. And I start talking to God. Thank you for blessing me with two such wonderful children. Thank you for allowing me to experience motherhood. I am a good Mommy but more importantly for me I love having the opportunity to stay home with my children.
When she's finished, she's wide awake. After all, she's slept for just over 10 hours. In hushed voices we talk and sing and smile at each other. And while I am staring at her, my heart bursting with love, I realize that I feel differently than I have in a long time. It's not happiness... I have been happy lots and it's not contentedness... although I am truly content. It's more than that... it's something that's been missing.
Peace. I feel peaceful. I haven't felt peaceful since Karen's accident. All those years I prayed for a baby. All those years I was angry that those prayers weren't answered. Turns out, I needed these children to come exactly when they did. They were sent now for a reason. Turns out my prayers were answered... the answer was yes, but when you need them most.
I miss my sister like crazy. I talk to her all the time. But I believe I have an eternity to spend with her after this life. So I want to make the most of this life while I can. It's why I have decided not to have more children. I would love to have another.. in an ideal world I would have at least one more.... but I have two healthy children. Two beautiful precious children who need their mommy. With the brain tumour, it is simply to risky now to get pregnant again. I have too much to lose. They have too much to lose. Suddenly I realize that this too is a decision I am at peace with. When did that happen?
I put the baby back in her bed where she's sighs contentedly (she loves her bed). I go to my bed where my son has been sleeping with us. I move him back to the middle and lay next to him and cuddle him tight. I lean forward and kiss his little blond head and wonder when he got so big. Why time seems to be on turbo speed when you are finally at the point where you would like it to drag on and on. I drink in his smell and I think... I am so lucky. I cuddle him tight and go back to sleep.
I have two children. Even as I type that it amazes me. I never thought I would get here. And after Karen's accident, I never thought I would feel this contented and peaceful. I am awed by the miraculous transformation of my life.
I am ready to be a Mommy blogger. In the next little while I will change the look of things around here and have it reflect my chaotic, crazy beloved life. And then I will start posting regularly again. Because I can. Because my children make me laugh and cry on a daily basis. Because this is what I have always wanted and so it is time to celebrate it. Because this kind of love and joy deserves to be shared.
I walk into her room. She wakes as soon as her door creaks. She smiles up at me.. she always smiles up at me... it melts my heart, just as it always does.
She latches on and it's sweet relief. I love nursing my baby. I love to watch her nurse and listen to all the little contented sounds she makes. I love the way her eyes rarely leave mine until they are so heavy she can't keep them open anymore. I love how when her belly is full she let's go and snuggles her cheek into my breast. I love the fact that often at night we both fall asleep that way and I wake up some time later and put her back in her bed and go to mine.
Tonight I am very alert. I should be, she has been asleep since 7:15.... I have been asleep since 9:30. I drink in the way she smells. I watch her and my heart melts more. Who could imagine I could feel this kind of love twice. I was unsure that I would be able to love her the same as my son, turns out your world can revolve around two kids in the same way.
As she's drinking she smiles up at me. She's so happy I think. And I start talking to God. Thank you for blessing me with two such wonderful children. Thank you for allowing me to experience motherhood. I am a good Mommy but more importantly for me I love having the opportunity to stay home with my children.
When she's finished, she's wide awake. After all, she's slept for just over 10 hours. In hushed voices we talk and sing and smile at each other. And while I am staring at her, my heart bursting with love, I realize that I feel differently than I have in a long time. It's not happiness... I have been happy lots and it's not contentedness... although I am truly content. It's more than that... it's something that's been missing.
Peace. I feel peaceful. I haven't felt peaceful since Karen's accident. All those years I prayed for a baby. All those years I was angry that those prayers weren't answered. Turns out, I needed these children to come exactly when they did. They were sent now for a reason. Turns out my prayers were answered... the answer was yes, but when you need them most.
I miss my sister like crazy. I talk to her all the time. But I believe I have an eternity to spend with her after this life. So I want to make the most of this life while I can. It's why I have decided not to have more children. I would love to have another.. in an ideal world I would have at least one more.... but I have two healthy children. Two beautiful precious children who need their mommy. With the brain tumour, it is simply to risky now to get pregnant again. I have too much to lose. They have too much to lose. Suddenly I realize that this too is a decision I am at peace with. When did that happen?
I put the baby back in her bed where she's sighs contentedly (she loves her bed). I go to my bed where my son has been sleeping with us. I move him back to the middle and lay next to him and cuddle him tight. I lean forward and kiss his little blond head and wonder when he got so big. Why time seems to be on turbo speed when you are finally at the point where you would like it to drag on and on. I drink in his smell and I think... I am so lucky. I cuddle him tight and go back to sleep.
I have two children. Even as I type that it amazes me. I never thought I would get here. And after Karen's accident, I never thought I would feel this contented and peaceful. I am awed by the miraculous transformation of my life.
I am ready to be a Mommy blogger. In the next little while I will change the look of things around here and have it reflect my chaotic, crazy beloved life. And then I will start posting regularly again. Because I can. Because my children make me laugh and cry on a daily basis. Because this is what I have always wanted and so it is time to celebrate it. Because this kind of love and joy deserves to be shared.
Monday, August 17, 2009
My son the wonder kid
I think my son is the most amazing barely 2 year old I know. Of course I do... what kind of mother would I be if I didn't. It's been a while since I updated you all on his development.
At his 2 year check up he was 34 inches and 28 lbs. If I remember correctly that translated into 75th percentile for his height and 50th for his weight.
He is soooo... shy. It takes him 10-15 minutes to warm up to an adult that comes into our house (longer if we meet them outside his "turf") and even longer for a child. And he is a quiet, mild mannered little boy and doesn't like loud, boisterous children. Which has just now gotten embarrasing and he learns to talk so well and can voice his dislike. One of my best friends has a sweet little boy C's age. However, although he is a kind, sensitive little boy, he is loud and in your face with enthusiasm. C has decided he doesn't like him and will say No No No as we walk up to his door. Last visit, when his Mom answered the door, C said quite politely to her "I no come in, I no like son's name"
He is very polite. He almost always remembers to say please when asking for something (and only needs to be reminded if he forgets) and thank you when he receives something. He says excuse me when he burps, or passes gas, or sneezes (which by the way he thinks is hilarious) and bless you when someone else sneezes. When you do something he likes it is adorable to hear over and over in this cute little toddler boy voice "Again please"
He is one incredibly active child. He loves to climb and will climb almost anything if you will let him or if you are not looking. He took all of about 1 day to master the rock wall on his new playset that stated an age of 5. He will climb on the furniture, into and out of the van, up "ramps" and he tries to climb trees but really just ends up hugging them for a long time.
He also loves to jump. His favorite place to jump of course is on the bed but has been known to jump on the couch and my recliner chairs despite being told that he is not allowed to do so.
He loves to go for walks although much prefers to walk these days than go in his stroller much to my chagrin. While I enjoy walking with him sometimes, I really like using our walks as exercise and he cannot and will not (too busy exploring) walk fast enough for me to get a work out. While walking, he really likes to 1) walk on the "balance beam" which is really the curb 2) go on the curb on the inside of parked cars while I go on the outside of the cars and he asks "Where did Caden go Momma?"
He loves to go in his swing and you cannot push him high enough in his opinion. When the swing bounces because it has gone so high the straps have slackened he says excitedly "Good job Mamma, push me bigger again!"
He loves sports. Golf and soccer seem to be his favorite but he also loves to hit the baseball on his little T-ball and throw the foot ball. He used to adore basket ball but seems to be off that for now.
More than anything else he loves to throw rocks and sticks into the water and a walk to the neighbourhood park with a little stream is a real delight.
He has just started playing independantly (thank Goodness) and loves to play with his trains and his cars. He also loves to put together puzzles and is quite good at doing them on his own.
His favorite thing to do on his own or with me is still to read books. Now, while I am nursing baby K, we often sit in the recliner chair in her nursery and he climbs on the foot stool part and we read loads of stories. The simpler stories which had been put aside for the last while are now making a comeback as he loves to "read" them to me. He will climb into the chair in his room and read books for 30 minutes or more on his own (of course then, there are a dozen books on his floor because he is not so good at putting them back on the book shelf).
And his speech. It is incredible. He has been talking in complicated sentences and carrying on conversations since before his 2nd birthday. There are so many words that he used to mispronounce that I just loved, and now that he is saying them correctly, I forget how adorably he used to say them. The only one I can remember off hand is pic cooter for computer.
Here are a few of my favorite recent Cadenism's
1. Wake up in the morning and smile and say "hello Momma, what we going to do today" Or wake up from a nap and say "I had a good sleep Momma, what we going to do next"
2. If I look grumpy he says "What's wrong Momma, why you not laughing?"
3. He hides his spoon in the pocket of his bib and then asks where his spoon is. When you say you don't know he proceeds to ask you if it is in various locations.
4. Rick and toddler C were in the drive through line up for Swiss C to get take out for dinner. When they arrived in the line up toddler C asked what they were doing and Rick told him they were picking up supper. After waiting a few minutes C asked "Are we stuck Dadda?"
5. After a visit to the zoo in which we got to watch elephants parade to a lake to swim, C said to me one day on his changing table "How do the elephants get to the swimming pool Momma," I replied, I don't know, and he said "they hold tails and trunks and that was sooo... funny" and then cracked up laughing.
6. One Saturday morning, Rick said to C "Daddy has to go to work to pick up something he forgot, how about you go with me and we will go to Tim Hortons for breakfast" to which C replied, "Oh yes, that sounds like fun, and what will we do next" Rick laughed and said I don't know, to which C replied "that's ok Dadda, you'll think of something"
If he likes something we have proposed to do he will say "that's a great idea" or "yes, that sounds like fun" If he doesn't like it, he will simply say "No, I no like that" and he is 2 after all, so usually he promptly has a temper tantrum when you tell him he has to do it anyway.
A couple of weeks ago I took him to see T the tank engine, live and in person. We got to go for a ride and get our pictures taken and he saw Sir Topham H. He was very excited and on the way home in the van he said "You know what Momma" I said "what" and he said "that was a very fun day, I love you Momma" Melts my heart every time I think about.
I thought I didn't want him to grow up and yet every time he leaves one stage and I am about to mourn I find that I simply adore the new stage.
He is my saviour. The funny things he says and does cracks me up on a daily basis and it is true that laughter is the best medicine. He is my beautiful amazing C and I love him so much. Here are some of my favorite summer pictures.
At his 2 year check up he was 34 inches and 28 lbs. If I remember correctly that translated into 75th percentile for his height and 50th for his weight.
He is soooo... shy. It takes him 10-15 minutes to warm up to an adult that comes into our house (longer if we meet them outside his "turf") and even longer for a child. And he is a quiet, mild mannered little boy and doesn't like loud, boisterous children. Which has just now gotten embarrasing and he learns to talk so well and can voice his dislike. One of my best friends has a sweet little boy C's age. However, although he is a kind, sensitive little boy, he is loud and in your face with enthusiasm. C has decided he doesn't like him and will say No No No as we walk up to his door. Last visit, when his Mom answered the door, C said quite politely to her "I no come in, I no like son's name"
He is very polite. He almost always remembers to say please when asking for something (and only needs to be reminded if he forgets) and thank you when he receives something. He says excuse me when he burps, or passes gas, or sneezes (which by the way he thinks is hilarious) and bless you when someone else sneezes. When you do something he likes it is adorable to hear over and over in this cute little toddler boy voice "Again please"
He is one incredibly active child. He loves to climb and will climb almost anything if you will let him or if you are not looking. He took all of about 1 day to master the rock wall on his new playset that stated an age of 5. He will climb on the furniture, into and out of the van, up "ramps" and he tries to climb trees but really just ends up hugging them for a long time.
He also loves to jump. His favorite place to jump of course is on the bed but has been known to jump on the couch and my recliner chairs despite being told that he is not allowed to do so.
He loves to go for walks although much prefers to walk these days than go in his stroller much to my chagrin. While I enjoy walking with him sometimes, I really like using our walks as exercise and he cannot and will not (too busy exploring) walk fast enough for me to get a work out. While walking, he really likes to 1) walk on the "balance beam" which is really the curb 2) go on the curb on the inside of parked cars while I go on the outside of the cars and he asks "Where did Caden go Momma?"
He loves to go in his swing and you cannot push him high enough in his opinion. When the swing bounces because it has gone so high the straps have slackened he says excitedly "Good job Mamma, push me bigger again!"
He loves sports. Golf and soccer seem to be his favorite but he also loves to hit the baseball on his little T-ball and throw the foot ball. He used to adore basket ball but seems to be off that for now.
More than anything else he loves to throw rocks and sticks into the water and a walk to the neighbourhood park with a little stream is a real delight.
He has just started playing independantly (thank Goodness) and loves to play with his trains and his cars. He also loves to put together puzzles and is quite good at doing them on his own.
His favorite thing to do on his own or with me is still to read books. Now, while I am nursing baby K, we often sit in the recliner chair in her nursery and he climbs on the foot stool part and we read loads of stories. The simpler stories which had been put aside for the last while are now making a comeback as he loves to "read" them to me. He will climb into the chair in his room and read books for 30 minutes or more on his own (of course then, there are a dozen books on his floor because he is not so good at putting them back on the book shelf).
And his speech. It is incredible. He has been talking in complicated sentences and carrying on conversations since before his 2nd birthday. There are so many words that he used to mispronounce that I just loved, and now that he is saying them correctly, I forget how adorably he used to say them. The only one I can remember off hand is pic cooter for computer.
Here are a few of my favorite recent Cadenism's
1. Wake up in the morning and smile and say "hello Momma, what we going to do today" Or wake up from a nap and say "I had a good sleep Momma, what we going to do next"
2. If I look grumpy he says "What's wrong Momma, why you not laughing?"
3. He hides his spoon in the pocket of his bib and then asks where his spoon is. When you say you don't know he proceeds to ask you if it is in various locations.
4. Rick and toddler C were in the drive through line up for Swiss C to get take out for dinner. When they arrived in the line up toddler C asked what they were doing and Rick told him they were picking up supper. After waiting a few minutes C asked "Are we stuck Dadda?"
5. After a visit to the zoo in which we got to watch elephants parade to a lake to swim, C said to me one day on his changing table "How do the elephants get to the swimming pool Momma," I replied, I don't know, and he said "they hold tails and trunks and that was sooo... funny" and then cracked up laughing.
6. One Saturday morning, Rick said to C "Daddy has to go to work to pick up something he forgot, how about you go with me and we will go to Tim Hortons for breakfast" to which C replied, "Oh yes, that sounds like fun, and what will we do next" Rick laughed and said I don't know, to which C replied "that's ok Dadda, you'll think of something"
If he likes something we have proposed to do he will say "that's a great idea" or "yes, that sounds like fun" If he doesn't like it, he will simply say "No, I no like that" and he is 2 after all, so usually he promptly has a temper tantrum when you tell him he has to do it anyway.
A couple of weeks ago I took him to see T the tank engine, live and in person. We got to go for a ride and get our pictures taken and he saw Sir Topham H. He was very excited and on the way home in the van he said "You know what Momma" I said "what" and he said "that was a very fun day, I love you Momma" Melts my heart every time I think about.
I thought I didn't want him to grow up and yet every time he leaves one stage and I am about to mourn I find that I simply adore the new stage.
He is my saviour. The funny things he says and does cracks me up on a daily basis and it is true that laughter is the best medicine. He is my beautiful amazing C and I love him so much. Here are some of my favorite summer pictures.
A new sling
I am looking for suggestions for a new sling.
I bought a hot-sling while I was still pregnant and it worked fabulous for the first 4 weeks. I probably should not have bought it while I was pregnant because it meant I could not try it on (the big ass belly was temporary after all). I think I bought it too small, although I followed their sizing guide. In the first few weeks baby K fit in the cradle hold lovely and fell right to sleep every time I wore her. No small feat since this girl rarely sleeps during the day. However, now she doesn't fit in the sling. I know she has gotten bigger but my guess is that I bought the sling too small and didn't account for my new nursing breast size.
So... I am going to have to buy a new sling since the only way this kid sleeps more than 20 minutes at a time during the day is if I don't put her down. I have a Snuggl..y, which she is asleep in right now but the sling was more comfortable for me and if I am going to wear her the majority of the day I would like it to be comfortable.
So tell me.. did you have a sling and if so did you love it and at what age did it seem to work best for you? I hope you are all very opinionated on slings because I will want to buy a new one fairly quickly and I don't want to buy blind again.
Want gratuitous children photo's...? Of course you do, if you are still reading this blog you are clearly reading it for the babes!
I bought a hot-sling while I was still pregnant and it worked fabulous for the first 4 weeks. I probably should not have bought it while I was pregnant because it meant I could not try it on (the big ass belly was temporary after all). I think I bought it too small, although I followed their sizing guide. In the first few weeks baby K fit in the cradle hold lovely and fell right to sleep every time I wore her. No small feat since this girl rarely sleeps during the day. However, now she doesn't fit in the sling. I know she has gotten bigger but my guess is that I bought the sling too small and didn't account for my new nursing breast size.
So... I am going to have to buy a new sling since the only way this kid sleeps more than 20 minutes at a time during the day is if I don't put her down. I have a Snuggl..y, which she is asleep in right now but the sling was more comfortable for me and if I am going to wear her the majority of the day I would like it to be comfortable.
So tell me.. did you have a sling and if so did you love it and at what age did it seem to work best for you? I hope you are all very opinionated on slings because I will want to buy a new one fairly quickly and I don't want to buy blind again.
Want gratuitous children photo's...? Of course you do, if you are still reading this blog you are clearly reading it for the babes!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Yes I had a baby even though no one has seen her
I do apologize for the length of time between little Kara's birth and my posting of her. My parents were here and they still don't know about this blog. And since the previous computer room is now a little girl's nursery, the computer is completely out in the open in the living room. Doesn't make for a whole lot of privacy.
So, Kara Riley was born on July 3, 2009 weighing exactly 7 lbs. She had a shocking head of dark hair (especially shocking given that her brother was bald until he was at least 15 months old).
Here she is the day she was born.
And here is the two of us having some cuddle time in the hospital
I thought breastfeeding was going great in the hospital, Kara only went down to 6 lbs 13 oz and my milk was in like gang busters. Unfortunately a couple days at home and I was howling in pain every time I fed her. Turns out the little princes has a higher arched palette and my nipple was getting sucked up there and re-shaped. I was cracked and bruised and tortured. However a few days with a breastfeeding clinic and 4 days with a nipple shield and we were both ready to go again. Since then feeding has been great!
So great that today, 1 day before she turns 1 month old, Kara is already weight 8 lbs 15 oz.
Here is a more recent picture
Caden adores her, although he is still adjusting to not having all my time. Mostly though, he takes that out on me. With her he is so gentle and loving and always wants to "take her" or touch her. And every morning when he wakes up he insists on cuddle time with his little sister.
Here is my favorite cuddle time picture.
I must admit that between trying to find active time for my busy little boy and breastfeeding a little girl, who will sleep decently at night but during the day wants to be fed or comforted always is a challenge and by dinner time I am pretty damn exhausted.
I am looking forward to a couple months from now when there is some routine. There will be some routine again .... right?
So, Kara Riley was born on July 3, 2009 weighing exactly 7 lbs. She had a shocking head of dark hair (especially shocking given that her brother was bald until he was at least 15 months old).
Here she is the day she was born.
And here is the two of us having some cuddle time in the hospital
I thought breastfeeding was going great in the hospital, Kara only went down to 6 lbs 13 oz and my milk was in like gang busters. Unfortunately a couple days at home and I was howling in pain every time I fed her. Turns out the little princes has a higher arched palette and my nipple was getting sucked up there and re-shaped. I was cracked and bruised and tortured. However a few days with a breastfeeding clinic and 4 days with a nipple shield and we were both ready to go again. Since then feeding has been great!
So great that today, 1 day before she turns 1 month old, Kara is already weight 8 lbs 15 oz.
Here is a more recent picture
Caden adores her, although he is still adjusting to not having all my time. Mostly though, he takes that out on me. With her he is so gentle and loving and always wants to "take her" or touch her. And every morning when he wakes up he insists on cuddle time with his little sister.
Here is my favorite cuddle time picture.
I must admit that between trying to find active time for my busy little boy and breastfeeding a little girl, who will sleep decently at night but during the day wants to be fed or comforted always is a challenge and by dinner time I am pretty damn exhausted.
I am looking forward to a couple months from now when there is some routine. There will be some routine again .... right?
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Baby Kara's imminent arrival!
We are scheduled for a C-section tomorrow morning at 8:00. Hopefully by this time tomorrow we will be all back in a private room (first come first serve, so I can only hope) and breastfeeding will have been successfully started!
Wish me luck!
Wish me luck!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Still alive and pregnant
Well........ it seems this blog has really been neglected.
Life has a way of taking over sometimes, you know. April was a tough month. It was the 1 year anniversary of losing my beloved sister. My brother and Caden and I went to my Mom and Dad's (a 4 hour flight). My brother was only there for the actual anniversary and the weekend, approx 4 days... Caden and I stayed for 5 weeks.
It is amazing to me to think that she has been gone a whole year. On the other hand, it is amazing to me to think that it's only been a year. Life marches on, sometimes even if we think we can't handle it. I still miss her every day and there are days that I am still in shock and can't really comprehend what has happened. On the other hand, my life has and will gone on and I see that it is how it is supposed to be (my life going on, not her loss). I have a son to live for, to enjoy, to protect, and to cherish. I am about to have a daugher. I don't want them to grow up with a depressed Mommy, they may not know it, but they have already lost far too much. Not just an Aunt who would have been the highlight of their holidays (we didn't live in the same province and would not likely have ever lived in the same province so we were limited to seeing each other 3-4 times a year). But let me guarantee you that she would have crammed so much into those visits that they would have been left begging for the next visit. They have also lost the Grandparents they would have had. Don't get me wrong my Mom and Dad love Caden and they will love the little girl. And frankly I think that Caden may be the only joy my Mom and Dad have experienced in the last year. But they are not, nor will they ever be the same people they were. They cannot possess the same energy, the same "love of life", of the same carefree spirit they had before last April. It has taken me some time to accept that these things can never come back. That my Mom and Dad can never be the same people. It is like I lost more than my sister that fateful day, although they are still here.
I have decided on a name. I said in my last post that I wanted a connection to my sister. What I really wanted was to know what she might have called a girl but although her and I surely discussed it, just as she surely discussed it with some girlfriends who were pregnant at the time of her accident, we cannot remember. We had no reason at the time to think that a casual conversation was worth remembering. We had no idea what the future held. Anyway, my sister and I loved simple names that were not overly common or popular but that were also not unheard of, or totally made up. My sister's name was Karen. I have decided to call my daughter Kara.
I don't know what I didn't think of it earlier but I am really quite attached to the name and have been since the moment I thought of it.
And Kara, will make her way into our home 2 weeks from today by C-section if she doesn't come of her own free will before then.
I am today finished 36 weeks and starting 37. The section is scheduled for 1 week before my due date. Given the prior brain tumour, and given that I have declined to have an MRI during my pregnancy the Neurologist and my OB are much happier with a repeat section. Despite the fact that last April there was no sign of any recurrent or residual tumour, I am actually fine with another section. I don't care how she get's here, as long as she is healthy.
Here are some pictures of me 3 weeks ago. I am aware that these are the first "belly shots" I have posted for this pregnancy. Truly, I feel so guilty that I get to do this twice when some of you have yet to experience it that some of the magic of it was lost when I came here. But as you can see, I am truly enjoying it. Even if I am significantly larger that I was last time.
And my baby boy turned 2 at the end of May!!! Isn't that unbelievable. I will do a whole post on the amazing person that he is becoming but for now, let me just leave you with this stunning image which really does represent his disposition and demeanor about 95% of the time.
Life has a way of taking over sometimes, you know. April was a tough month. It was the 1 year anniversary of losing my beloved sister. My brother and Caden and I went to my Mom and Dad's (a 4 hour flight). My brother was only there for the actual anniversary and the weekend, approx 4 days... Caden and I stayed for 5 weeks.
It is amazing to me to think that she has been gone a whole year. On the other hand, it is amazing to me to think that it's only been a year. Life marches on, sometimes even if we think we can't handle it. I still miss her every day and there are days that I am still in shock and can't really comprehend what has happened. On the other hand, my life has and will gone on and I see that it is how it is supposed to be (my life going on, not her loss). I have a son to live for, to enjoy, to protect, and to cherish. I am about to have a daugher. I don't want them to grow up with a depressed Mommy, they may not know it, but they have already lost far too much. Not just an Aunt who would have been the highlight of their holidays (we didn't live in the same province and would not likely have ever lived in the same province so we were limited to seeing each other 3-4 times a year). But let me guarantee you that she would have crammed so much into those visits that they would have been left begging for the next visit. They have also lost the Grandparents they would have had. Don't get me wrong my Mom and Dad love Caden and they will love the little girl. And frankly I think that Caden may be the only joy my Mom and Dad have experienced in the last year. But they are not, nor will they ever be the same people they were. They cannot possess the same energy, the same "love of life", of the same carefree spirit they had before last April. It has taken me some time to accept that these things can never come back. That my Mom and Dad can never be the same people. It is like I lost more than my sister that fateful day, although they are still here.
I have decided on a name. I said in my last post that I wanted a connection to my sister. What I really wanted was to know what she might have called a girl but although her and I surely discussed it, just as she surely discussed it with some girlfriends who were pregnant at the time of her accident, we cannot remember. We had no reason at the time to think that a casual conversation was worth remembering. We had no idea what the future held. Anyway, my sister and I loved simple names that were not overly common or popular but that were also not unheard of, or totally made up. My sister's name was Karen. I have decided to call my daughter Kara.
I don't know what I didn't think of it earlier but I am really quite attached to the name and have been since the moment I thought of it.
And Kara, will make her way into our home 2 weeks from today by C-section if she doesn't come of her own free will before then.
I am today finished 36 weeks and starting 37. The section is scheduled for 1 week before my due date. Given the prior brain tumour, and given that I have declined to have an MRI during my pregnancy the Neurologist and my OB are much happier with a repeat section. Despite the fact that last April there was no sign of any recurrent or residual tumour, I am actually fine with another section. I don't care how she get's here, as long as she is healthy.
Here are some pictures of me 3 weeks ago. I am aware that these are the first "belly shots" I have posted for this pregnancy. Truly, I feel so guilty that I get to do this twice when some of you have yet to experience it that some of the magic of it was lost when I came here. But as you can see, I am truly enjoying it. Even if I am significantly larger that I was last time.
And my baby boy turned 2 at the end of May!!! Isn't that unbelievable. I will do a whole post on the amazing person that he is becoming but for now, let me just leave you with this stunning image which really does represent his disposition and demeanor about 95% of the time.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Home Again
Caden and I had a fabulous time on our trip. There was lots of splashing water, digging in the sand, and strolling in the sun.
And because he was sharing a room/bed with Mommy, he went to bed every night at 7:30 and slept until 6:30 without stirring. Honestly... I could do co-sleeping. I have not felt so rested in a long time. And lots of afternoons I napped with him as well. It was delicious.
It was also fantastic to reconnect with an Aunt who I used to be quite close to but who moved away many years ago and whom I have only seen periodically since then.
Here are some pictures of our trip:
I wish I knew how to post a video. I have a cute one where Caden decided in a pub named "Margaritaville" to climb up on the table and dance to the song "Wasting Away Again In Margaritaville". While normally I would discourage such behaviour, trust me it fit right in with this cruise ship laden, 18 year old March Break crowd.
Now I am home and I am in nesting mode. I am researching cribs and double strollers (I would love your opinons on double strollers) and cleaning out my old home office so that it can become a nursery! I am really feeling the need to be organized. I spent just over $1000 dollars today on furniture that will make our two main living areas (living room and family room) more organized, especially now that we will be moving the computer in there.
There is still no name for this little girl. All of my favorite names have become so popular in the last several years, and I like strong names but not "out there" names so I am finding it very difficult. Any suggestions?
I feel like I have an abundance of energy for the first time in a year. And it almost is a year. April 11 with be the anniversary of my sister's accident. Caden and I and my brother will fly to my Mom and Dad's on the 8th.
And because he was sharing a room/bed with Mommy, he went to bed every night at 7:30 and slept until 6:30 without stirring. Honestly... I could do co-sleeping. I have not felt so rested in a long time. And lots of afternoons I napped with him as well. It was delicious.
It was also fantastic to reconnect with an Aunt who I used to be quite close to but who moved away many years ago and whom I have only seen periodically since then.
Here are some pictures of our trip:
I wish I knew how to post a video. I have a cute one where Caden decided in a pub named "Margaritaville" to climb up on the table and dance to the song "Wasting Away Again In Margaritaville". While normally I would discourage such behaviour, trust me it fit right in with this cruise ship laden, 18 year old March Break crowd.
Now I am home and I am in nesting mode. I am researching cribs and double strollers (I would love your opinons on double strollers) and cleaning out my old home office so that it can become a nursery! I am really feeling the need to be organized. I spent just over $1000 dollars today on furniture that will make our two main living areas (living room and family room) more organized, especially now that we will be moving the computer in there.
There is still no name for this little girl. All of my favorite names have become so popular in the last several years, and I like strong names but not "out there" names so I am finding it very difficult. Any suggestions?
I feel like I have an abundance of energy for the first time in a year. And it almost is a year. April 11 with be the anniversary of my sister's accident. Caden and I and my brother will fly to my Mom and Dad's on the 8th.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Funk no more
So a few things have happened in the last two weeks to turn this funk around.
First, I started feeling the baby. Almost immediately after posting that I wasn't feeling the baby. I was 18.5 weeks when I wrote that last post. I had said that I was 16 weeks at my last check up two weeks ago and I think that is why everyone thought I was 16 weeks. Anyway... within days of posting that I was feeling movement every day.
Second, I booked my self a trip down south. Caden and I are going to spend a week haning with family and playing in the sand and surf. I need some sunshine. This snow and cold weather and staying indoors all the time is getting to me. We leave next Tuesday.
Third, I had my ultrasound today and found out first and foremost that the baby is ok and second that it is a little girl! If you know me, you know that my expressed preference for this pregnancy was a little boy. I really wanted Caden to have a brother, a same sex sibling. Someone to play with and bicker with and wrestle with and share his life with. I had a brother and sister and I was so close with both of them but there is something about same sex siblings, some kind of bond that is indescribable but quite amazing. So you can imagine my surprise when the tech pointed today to her head and her heart and her hands and feet and then between those feet, her vagina and I started bawling.... tears of joy.
I am actually overwhelmed by how excited I am for a little girl. I love my little boy so much. Right now it is impossible to quite imagine that I could love any other child as much.... But right now it is impossible to be in a funk. I have a growing, healthy life inside of me. I am going on a lovely, fun filled vacation with my son, and I am having a daughter!
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