Sleep training sucks!

I should never have posted that last post. I guess I was hoping that things were going to work themselves out, even though my gut told me this would not work?

Anyone out there have any success with a method other than the modified CIO.


I hate CIO. I hate to hear my son cry and not comfort him. I hate that he goes to sleep upset. I hate that he wakes up upset. I hate that while he now goes to sleep awake and fairly quickly, his sleep habits have gotten worse, not better.


Boo now hates bedtime. Hates it with a passion. Cries his eyes out at the mention of bath times. Starts to throw a temper tantrum when we go up the stairs (even though it is a good 30-40 minutes before bedtime). Cries through his bath, through being dried off, refuses to play or have stories before bed (and this was his, and my favorite time before). Basically after two weeks he is still crying every night although now he only cries 10 minutes or less once he is in his bed, but he cries for a long time before bed, basically through his whole bedtime routine.


And he is waking up more at night. Waking up more and taking a long time to get himself back to sleep, like sometimes up to 45 minutes.


I know it's only been two weeks but people I am not sure I have the emotional strength to keep this going. And the three books I have read on this method all say that significant improvement should happen by day 4 and sleeping should be vastly improved in 2 weeks.


I welcome all advice. But please remember, co-sleeping is not an option (as much as I may want it to be) because I also enjoy sleeping with my husband and he is NOT ok with co-sleeping. And besides, Boo moves so much at night I don't get much sleep that way either.


Before we started CIO a good night looked like this.


Bath - Boo really enjoyed
Drying off and lotion - I did massage with lotion and we played games like this little piggy or round and round a circle. Boo really enjoyed
Play time - 5-10 minutes of quiet play. Blocks or this abacus like bead toy.
Stories - anywhere from 2-5 stories depending on the length
Bottle and asleep in my arms - anywhere from 10-25 minutes


Middle of the night he woke up at 3:00 and I gave him a bottle and he went back to sleep right away.


Unfortunately right before we started CIO he was getting up more than once and sometimes 3-4 times a night, taking a significantly long time to go back to sleep and really wanting to sleep with me.


For the first week I did nothing else except take away his night time bottles. He now gets a bottle before we go up to bath time and if he wakes up during the night I was putting him back to sleep without a bottle. This change didn't seem to faze him at all. He clearly didn't need the night time bottle.

It has now been two weeks on the go to bed awake and the last three nights have been total hell from 6:50 on. So much so that tonight I skipped bath, got him dressed for bed downstairs and then let him fall asleep in my arms.

It is NOT OK for my son to be so upset every night!

I would like him to sleep better but the current situation is worse. I don't want him to hate his bedtime routine. I want him to enjoy his bath and our massages and his playtime and reading. I don't want him unsoothably upset for 45 minutes before bed. I trust my instincts and that just screams wrong. I just don't know what else to do.

The loss of something magical

Boo started out as an angel sleeper. As an infant he would get up every 2.5 to 3 hours to feed and then immediately go back to sleep. By 3 months he was only getting up once a night and by 6 months he was sleeping through. And the best part was that he would go into his crib awake and put himself to sleep.

I prided myself on instilling good sleep habits. I never gave him a bottle right before bed (usually at least 45 minutes before bed) and I started putting him to bed drowsy but awake at an early age.

But.... then he learned to pull himself up to standing. He did it with gusto and pride all over the house, including his bed. The problem was he couldn't get himself down again. So the cycle started. He'd go to bed, before I got down the stairs he would pull himself up and within minutes be screaming because he couldn't get down. I would go in and lay him down and before I closed the door again, he would pull himself back up. I started giving him his bottle right before bed with his lights down and voila he would fall asleep and then I could put him in bed without the 50 curtain calls to lay him back down. I knew it could be a bad habit but I highly value the 2 hours or so I get with my husband in the evening and I didn't want to be still putting the baby to bed when it was my bedtime. In the beginning it seemed to have no ill effects. He still slept through the night.

Then my sister died and our lives turned upside down. We were in a new house for almost a month. He had his own room and his own crib but it was unfamiliar and if I put him in there awake he would cry his "I'm very afraid" cry. I was an emotional wreck and needed to feel a strong connection to him. And to top everything off he got sick. Throwing up and diarreah. Could of been a bug or a stressed reaction of all the changes in his life (new place, very upset mommy, etc)

I started letting sleep with me, sometimes for naps, almost always when he awoke in the middle of the night. I KNOW!!!!!!! I even knew at the time it would come back to bite me in the ass. But the thing is, I needed it. I was very good at being strong when he was awake. After the first 2 weeks I refused to be upset in his presence. But when he slept.... well when he slept the enormity of my loss would hit me like a tonne of bricks and I couldn't control myself. Sleeping with him both kept me from losing it and also focused me on the precious gift I had been given.

And I learned that I love co-sleeping. LOVE IT. I love feeling his breath on my face, or having his back cuddled against my stomach and feeling the rhythm of his breathing. I love that in the deepest sleep if he stirred I could kiss his forehead and he would smile in his sleep. I love that sometimes he would cuddle into me and with his eyes closed and a big smile he would say Mama, as he drifted off to sleep. I loved the smile of anticipation as we headed to bed with his blankie. I found myself taking him to my bed for naps, even when I had no intention of napping, just to be close to him. I am so aware that he is growing at lightning speed. That I will never have this cuddly, affectionate toddler again.

The problem is two-fold. First and foremost, co-sleeping has actually decreased Boo's sleep. He not only wants to sleep in my bed, he wants me to sleep there with him. And I don't want to go to bed at 7:30. And I don't always want to nap for 3 hours in the afternoon. And I don't feel safe leaving him there alone. It is a long way to the floor and no soft surface for him to land. And he is a squirmer, so I am awake a lot at night, even if I can smile adoringly at him during that time period.

The second problem is that co-sleeping is not a legitimate option for Rick. He is a deep sleeper who has often in the past clunked me in the head with an elbow as he violently moves about in his sleep. He is difficult to wake. And he knows that he is a danger to Boo. So he barely sleeps when Boo is in the bed and often moves to a different room when I bring Boo to bed with me.

As a result last week I started sleep training, using the modified CIO method. It sucked but it was effective (sort off). The books suggested that I didn't need to use it at nap time and if Boo awoke in the middle of the night. That once he learned to go to sleep on his own at bedtime that he would automatically use that skill at other times. This however is not the case for Boo. Or perhaps it would have been if I hadn't sabotaged my own effort but rebelling against losing my precious baby time by still napping with him and letting him sleep in the reclining chair with me for long periods of time at night when he woke up.

So I have resulted in making it more difficult for him. He cried for almost 45 minutes the first night, only 24 minutes the second and only 11 minutes the third, subsequently he has cried for 5 minutes or less at bedtime. However, he now wakes up 4-5 times a night.

So tonight I bit the bullet and decided that the modified CIO has also got to be used in the middle of the night. And he has to nap in his crib and go in there awake, even if that means shorter naps for a while. It's what Boo needs. He needs the consistency to get the amount and quality of sleep he needs to continue to develop and grow into the amazing toddler he is becoming.

And really he is a quick study, he awoke and cried. I went in and told him it was bedtime that I loved him and that he had to stay in his bed and sleep. I rubbed his back and said good night. He cried for 3 minutes, whimpered for a minute or so and has been asleep ever since.

I however, have cried for much longer. Because I can't comfort my baby the way I want to. It is my job to be a parent, to teach him the things he needs to know in life, even if those lessons are sometimes hard. I want my son to be a good sleeper. I know that it is incredibly important to his ability to learn and develop. I also want him to be independent, it is also incredibly important and a huge factor in developing self-esteem. But I don't have to like it. And I am going to really miss the magical moments of waking up next to my snuggled in son and breathing in his scent and knowing with 100% certainty that we are both safe and exactly where we want to be.

Stressed!

I am a stress eater.

I do not deny it. In fact, most of the time I am aware that I am stress eating and choose to continue to do so because.. well.. because I am stressed.

I have been this way all my life. But for the most part it has not caused huge weight fluctuations. I have never been skinny or tiny (certainly never had a flat belly) but I have never been overtly overweight either. Because I am short, it only takes an extra 5-7 pounds to change clothing sizes.

Last year when I came home from my brain surgery I was depressed. I was depressed and anxious (bordering on neurotic) and boy did I eat. I gained about 10 pounds and it took most of the winter to get it all off. But since my sister's death I have had absolutely no control. I know what I am doing to myself. I know what a health risk it is. I know that my sister likely died because of her weight and yet I feel powerless to stop myself for reaching whatever I have grabbed.

I have gained a few pounds. More importantly though, I have blown up like a beach ball. It seems that I may have gone back to my pre-pregnancy weight but my skin most certainly did not go back to it's pre-pregnancy elasticity. I have gained less than 10 pounds and look bigger than I ever have in my entire life.

Again I have known this for a while. But it is one thing to know it and quite another to have it in print right in front of your face . A few days ago, my sister-in-law posted this picture to a popular social networking website.

Tonight at 7:30 I am joining Weight.Wat.chers. Because this cannot continue. Especially if I want to try to get pregnant again.

Edited to Add

Tonight's meeting informed me that I have to lose 18 pounds to be my pre- ttc weight (which in fairness was 7-8 years ago) or 14 pounds to the top of the goal weight range, a BMI of 25. My goal is 1 pound per week so I should either be 18 pounds lighter or pregnant by Christmas, any bets on which is more likely to happen first! To make it a fair bet I should tell you that we have already had several opportunities for a suprise, your no longer infertile baby and it hasn't happened. And that I already have an appointment with my clinic for the end of the month but I will have at least one month of re-testing before I can actually do a treatment.

Back in the Saddle

Thank you to all who emailed (through My Reality) with condolances, thoughts and prayers on the loss of my sister. Even with the monumental birth of my first child, this year has totally sucked. It has been the best and the very worse year of my life.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster. And although I generally love roller coasters, I can tell you that I wish I could get the hell off this one.

My sister K was a bright and shining star in our family. A very close family. A family that is always there for each other. A family that has never ever missed spending a christmas together despite the fact that the children were 34, 32, and 26 and lived in 3 different provinces.

She was a teacher who was beloved by her students (and she taught junior high!), she was a sister who despite loving her job, left in the middle of the year last year when I was diagnosed with a brain tumour and said fuck the consequences. She was a sister who stayed home the day I had brain surgery (although she cried when I asked her too she so wanted to be at the hospital) because I trusted her with the baby and it would be the only person I wouldn't worry about. She was a sister who did night duty over and over again as I recovered from surgery and was simply too spent to be up all night. She was a sister I was supposed to spend 5 weeks with this summer, 1 of which was supposed to be a week in the States, wedding dress shopping.

She was..... she was everything a sister should be. And now she is gone. Suddenly... without a good-bye.. without a final "I love you", without even being able to see her one more time or kiss her face or stroke her hair.

I will never again be the first to hear her most exciting news (like when she started her period, had her first kiss, lost her virginity, got engaged and a week before her accident got accepted to do her masters). I will never again kiss away her tears and promise her that life will be ok. I will never get to the first to hear of her pregnancy or be there when she had children of her own. I will not be the matron of honour at her wedding this Christmas.

My poor son has probably lost the most. K was the Aunt we all want to have. She would the one to make every visit fun. From making and painting pottery, to baking to trips to the Zoo, the amusement park or the swimming pool, there never would have been a dull moment with Aunt K. He will never know her. Never remember the love she felt for him. Never remember that 2 days after she went home last summer she called me bawling because she couldn't remember his smell and she was so sad that he would smell differently when she next saw him at 4 months (we saw each other on web cam several times a week so she got to see him growing). He won't remember that when we travelled to my home province when he was 4 months old that she drove 2.5 hours after school to be there when we arrived even though she had to drive 2.5 hours back the next morning before school started because she couldn't possibly wait 2 days until the weekend.

I have lots of pictures and video's. Pictures of her looking at him the first day she saw him when he was 4 days old. Her face shows a love that usually only a mother feels. But I don't have her. I shall never again melt into the hug that made me know that she loved me as much as I loved her.

I am doing ok. Much better than could have been expected I believe. Mostly because of Caden. It is impossible to be sad around a little monkey who can now walk and climb and make faces and give hugs and kisses. Besides nothing would dishonour my sister more than allowing my son (her baby she would argue) to grow up with a Mommy who is sad all the time. But still... life will never be the same. I will never be the same. I will always know what I have lost. I will always wish that I could call my sister when Caden does something new.

I am going home on Friday. It is my sister's birthday on Saturday and we need to be together as a family. My Mom is devastated and I am not sure she will ever be ok again but I know the only time I have seen her smile in the last 3 months is when she is around Caden so I am hoping a couple of weeks with him will do some good.

I am able to return to blogging now. Until now I could not have written this post. Could not talk about her being gone. When I come back I will tell whoever wants to listen how we are also back in the saddle with regards to infertility. How we are not one of those couples who blissfully "fall" pregnant with number 2 and how before I go on Friday I will have an appointment with the clinic for the fall. But before I continue on with blogging about my life, I wanted to share some of my sister with you.

On a sister's road trip in 2004

Us visiting our 5 year old "photographer"

Karen and her fiance in 2004 (before they were engaged)

K and Mom and Dad at her graduation.

One of our annual Christmas Eve, new pj's family pictures

Her engagement photo

The first time she saw his face

Pretty damn excited that her sister came home from having brain surgery but not prepared to give back the baby just yet!

In tears because she received a birthday card from her nephew!

She loved staying up with him (she said I don't feel like I'm hogging him in the middle of the night when everyone else is sleeping) even when he was sleeping she found it hard to put him down.

Can I take him to the beach, please....?

Our first trip to Newfoundland - 2 months after she left

I Love you Aunt K

Christmas -Could not believe how big he had gotten since his last visit 2 months ago

So happy that they were together for Christmas

The three amigo's and their baby

The last time my sister and I were together

There are no words.

This is My Reality posting on Krista's behalf. It has been almost a year since I posted here for Krista. At that time, Krista was in the hospital with a brain tumor and about to give birth the the most beautiful baby boy, sweet little Boo. It is with a heavy heart that I am back here again.

I posted on my own blog a short while ago about a dear friend who lost her sister. What I didn't post at the time was who the dear friend was.

Krista lost her sister, K, in a tragic car accident two and a half weeks ago.

I never had the privilege of meeting K, but I can tell you many things about her. She was only 27 and engaged to be married in December. She was beautiful inside and out, and her smile lit up a room. She was a sister, a daughter, a fiancee and a friend. She was so much to so many. She was a teacher and her students loved her. She made a difference in the lives of everyone who knew her. She loved ladybugs and had a passion for life. She was the kind of sister we would all be lucky to have. When Krista had Boo last year and was recovering from brain surgery, K was right there beside her and helped her with everything from around the clock feedings to helping Krista get back on her feet. K had a fierce love for her family and would do anything for them. She had an incredible connection with Boo and you could clearly see her love for him in all the pictures I saw of them together.

I spoke to Krista this week and she is doing as well as she can in this situation. She knows she has to be strong for Boo and she is trying to keep her focus on him right now. Devastated isn't a strong enough word to express what Krista is feeling right now. Her sister was everything to her. They shared everything and had an unbreakable bond. Their family is dealing with such intense pain right now and trying to get through things one day at a time. I haven't met the rest of Krista's family, but feel as though I know them all by the way Krista talks about them. They are a wonderful, loving, supportive family. They stick by each other through everything. They are an incredible family and I am so very sorry they are dealing with such a tragic loss.

Krista asked me to post on her blog to explain her absence from the blogosphere. Krista is going to take a break from blogging for a while to focus on getting through this.

I know what kind of devastation a loss like this does to a family. Krista's family has been through so much this year and I just can't comprehend why they have had to loose K. My heart goes out her whole family and to K's wonderful fiance right now.

K - you are gone, but will never be forgotten. Your love for your family and your passion for life will never be forgotten. You are loved more than words can say and you have changed the world in such a positive way in your short time here.

I have turned the comments on this post off. Krista needs all of the love, thoughts and prayers we can send her way right now. If anyone would like to send her a message, please do so through my email address and I will be sure to get them to her. I can be emailed at disenchantedreality at hotmail dot com.

Krista - I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much you love K. I know how hard this loss is for you. You are not alone. I am here if you need anything. Much love, my friend.

Two Years

Two years ago today I wrote my very first blog entry. I wasn't exactly new to blogging. I had been reading other peoples blogs for well over a year before I started my own. But I hadn't commented. I left my first comment the night before I started my own blog. Looking back on it, I'm not sure why I waited so long to comment on blogs. I used to think it was because early on I emailed a blogger that I felt I had a connection with and she never emailed me back. Now, I'm not so sure that was the reason. I think I was overwhelmed with the knowledge you all had. Overwhelmed with how opinionated some people were. Overwhelmed with my situation. I think I had a little big of ostrich syndrome. If I don't comment, if I am just an observer, then I don't really belong to this community. I'm having trouble but surely I'm not INFERTILE.

Looking back on it, I wish I had been blogging when I went through my miscarriage. I think I would have recovered more quickly, felt better about myself if I had support from people who had been through it.

When I was trying to conceive, it seemed that life had stopped. It seemed that that part of my life had been there forever. I remember thinking that I had been reading blogs (and then writing my own) for SO long. And now, when I look back on it objectively, 3.5 years. That's not so much in the course of 34 years. Not so much to get the bliss I have now. But then.... then .... well there were times I really wasn't sure I could endure one more day. Really wasn't sure I was going to survive.

So thank you all! Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for helping me through the most difficult part of my life so far. I can't express what a difference it made to me.

Tagged and an Update!

My Reality has tagged me. And because I heart My Reality I have happily complied. You may not be happy I complied however, I am a very boring person.

The rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged you.

2) Post the rules.

3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.

4) Tag at least three people.

5) Be sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

Here goes:

1. Although I love to get dressed up and go out, I am not a glamour girl. Most days I don't "do" my hair or put on make-up if I am running errands, such as grocery shopping or shopping in general. I try to make myself look presentable for church but even that is ify some Sunday mornings. Lot's of days, if Boo and I don't have to go out, we spend the entire day in our PJ's.

2. I am cheap by nature. Although I like my spa days as much as the next girl, I am usually stingy with my money when it comes to consumerism. We only own 1 TV (a 27 inch beast that was bought at Crappy Tire for $200 in 1996) and neither of us have an I-Pod or a lap-top or any of the latest gadgets. Although I sometimes long for these things, when it actually comes to spending the money on them, I choose not to.

3. I am a saver. Boo already has an RESP and a nice bank account (although to be fair most of that came from gifts given to him). I built up some debt to do IVF but re-financed our mortgage last year and paid it all off. Although I am totally psyched about my trip, it freaks me out that we are spending over $10,000 on travel.

4. I make all of Boo's baby food. It's not hard and I love to know exactly what he's eating. Plus, although I shouldn't feel this way, somehow it seems that it is the least I could do given that breastfeeding didn't work out for us. And I don't just make the usual, Boo has had some exotic food (for a baby) and I love knowing that he is eating such a variety of foods early in life. I want him to be exposed to as much as possible.

5. I am a very touch/feely person. I love to snuggle with my husband and my Mommy and my son. I love to give hugs and get hugs. I love to have my hair played with. I am very tactile and I think I have passed that on to my son.

6. I am fiercely loyal to my family. I may complain about them from time to time, but anyone else is ill-advised to do so. I know how lucky I am to have such a close connection to them all and it is the bain of my existence that we live so far apart.

Ok, a quick update on me.

The trip

We are going to Italy for 8 days, to India for 2 days and to France for 6 days. I am so very excited. I would have loved to explore India but I just feel safer exposing Boo as little as possible. He can't have his shots, I have to take all his food and water (which is not easy with the new security restriction on fluids in carry-ons and the propensity to loose your luggage on international flights!) and he is still so small that getting severe diarrhea or vomiting could be very dangerous for him. I know that we will have other chances to explore India when he is older and I feel safer about it. Hopefully the two days will be enough to get a small flavour of the local area and spark my desire and commitment to return. Artblog I would love to take you up on your offer and meet you but I am very cognizant of the fact that you will likely have a 2 month old who is still not sleeping through the night! You may not be up for company.

Our Boy

Boo is amazing. He is crawling and pulling himself up on furniture and racing around the house if you will hold his hands and saying words and eating us out of house and home (well... maybe not but what an appetite). He is a happy, good-natured little boy who loves to play and laugh (and be rough housed. He loves airplane rides and being tumbled around and turned upside down, etc). My one very minor complaint is that he is very dependant on me or his Dad to entertain him. He will only play by himself for short periods without us there. Of course, I know this is my fault as I was so anxious to spend all my time with him, I never allowed him to build his independent play.

My Marriage

Rick and I went through a rough couple of months last spring and summer. He was amazing when I was diagnosed, and terrified. And he was a rock for my family. But once the surgery was over and I was home, he wanted our life back, he wanted his wife back. Which means he wanted my family to leave. I was pissed. I was scared. Scared that I couldn't take care of myself on my own. Scared I couldn't take care of Boo on my own. I had only had brain surgery 7 weeks earlier and I admit, I made my family a crutch. But still, it was my crutch and I was terrified to let it go. It caused a rift between us that took a couple of months to get over. On top of that, it took a while for Rick to get into Boo. As Rick once put it "All he does is sleep, eat and poop, he's not much fun" I was furious about that and the little help he provided unless directly asked. He would come home from work, hold the baby for 20 minutes and then go downstairs to watch TV. As soon as Boo became interactive (at about 3 months or so) it changed immediately and now he is the involved, loving father that I always pictured. In fact, I love to watch Rick and Boo interact. They have such a special bond and Boo lights up the minute Rick comes into the room. I know Rick loves it too. He has admitted to me that he had no idea that having a family could be like this. So all is good with our marriage again, but it was a rough couple of months.

More later, but for right now I have to try to get my house cleaned. Boo has gotten two teeth in the last little while and they are really interrupting his sleep. Even his naps are shorter and he is still so tired when he wakes up. I have taken to napping when he does again, and it is making for one messy assed house! So I will leave you with a few of my favorite more recent Boo shots.